Worried about a child

[LeafyLou]

Hello all.
This is my first time posting and my first time asking for help outside my own immediate family.
My sister has a high conflict personality, we believe. She was diagnosed with autism a few months before my neice came along. She's three years old now. My sister doesn't know our family have started looking into high conflict personalities or personality disorders to explain her behaviour. The back story is a little long but I feel I need to get it out, so thank you in advance for baring with me.

Around the time I* (my sister) was diagnosed with autism she was in crisis. She has just come out of a short but intensively abusive relationship. He had coersed her into being away from me and our parents and everyone else. He was physically, emotionally and verbally abusive - and probably more that I don't know of. She came to live with me when it ended. She was very depressed and lots of difficult conflict started between us. We only lasted a couple of months living together before I asked her to leave. She ended up living in a hostel and getting diagnosed with autism. She started having some very rigid beliefs (about her being a certain character from a book) and some extra-sensory experiences ("seeing entities" in her words). I truely believed she had undiagnosed psychosis. The autism diagnosis came as a shock for us all, but she resonated with it hugely and it has now formed her identity.

She started another relationship. This time someone more vulnerable - lots of mental illness and homelessness. They had my niece straight away. She is three years old now.

A few months ago I* told me that her partner was sexually abusing her. He was physically abusive towards her and my neice a few months before where she had to call the police and he was banned from seeing her or the child for a month or two. They got back together after this.

When she told me he was sexually abusing her me and my partner decided we were going to "scoop her up". At this time we believed all her differences were explained by autism, we had never considered BPD. So we drove across the country to help her pack, end her relationship, offer her physical protection and move her stuff. She moved in with us after two weeks staying with her and supporting her.

Our one boundary, that we were very clear about, was that there was not going to be any shouting in our house. This was broken on day two when we got to our house. Believing she is unable to regulate her volume due to autism I let it go. So did my partner, reluctantly.

She verbally abused me on lots of occasions. With increasing intensity and no awareness of it afterwards.

One time she's in a rage and is trying to discipline by niece about something really small. Usually she doesn't use any discipline whatsoever so I was aware it was unusual. I intervined because it looked just like the verbal abusive she was giving me. Until this happened I truly believed that she treated her daughter differently to how she treated everyone else. Of course, she turned on me after I intervined.

It was around this time that a psychiatrist work colleague of my mums suggested BPD and Randi's book. Everything in the book made sense for me!

Out of fear me and my partner retreated in the relationship and in the house. My neice became REALLY clingy of her mum, she would cry when someone else made eye contact with her, etc. I* would discourage her from going too far away from her in the house, she would sort of comfort her even before she started crying. It seemed like she wanted this clinginess.

I confronted I* about the verbal abuse in a letter, which wasn't received well at first, but weeks later she wrote a letter back apologising and explaining. She also decided to find her own place. Of course, conflict still continued to some extent and I* had very fixed ideas about what was happening. She sent me some messages expressing lots of paranoid ideas about me, then forgetting all about them a day or so later when she needed someone to look after my neice or just decided to cook me dinner.

They have no friends, very little contact with family, I* wants to home school her. I* won't take her to visit anyone and acts very controlling over how anyone interacts with her daughter. She will literally tell you want to say and 'translate' what she says in response. My neice as a significant speech and language delay, delay in her walking and she doesn't interact with other children very much. I* hopes she has autism, like her.

The thing is, I* asked me to look after my neice lots of times when she needed rest or to go to appointments or something. I* would always prepare it like a disaster was about to happen and my neice would be distraught the whole time and I would have to contain this wailing child for hours on end. She would cry when her mum left but as soon as she was out of view she became a different child. She was independent, going off and playing in the other room, asking me for things she wanted, she wanted to go and explore the field outside so we did, she was confident to talk to new people, she was laughing and smiling. Other people around me who saw her away from I* would comment about what a happy mood she was in or that she had never spoke to them before.

I'm not trying to position myself as a better parent. I know I'm the 'fun aunty'. But I am noticing something like co-dependence that is impacting my neice.

I* switches between knowing that her daughter needs new and stimulating experiences and seeing me as giving them to her and then wanting to control every word that is exchanged between us and seeing me as trying to "bring them down".

Most recently an issue has come up that I want to specifically talk about. It's our mums 60th birthday this weekend. Me and I* planned to drive up to see her for the weekend. But as its got closer she has pulled out of the plans (this is totally normal for her - she has never visited anyone since my niece has been around and I didn't ever really exact this time to be different). Her reasons are that she doesn't have the energy and is worried about harming her relationships with us. I can empathise with that, she knows she's done some harm but doesn't really know what or how to resolve it, but at the same time everything is our fault.

In all the chats we've had about it she has conflated her needs with the needs of her daughter. I know that my niece LOVES her Nana and would relish the visit, but my sister doesn't want to go. I don't know what to do about my sister preventing my neice from having relationships with us or anyone else. I* regularly video calls me to speak to my neice but she kind of translates everything she says or ignores me through the call. I always feel very 'controlled' during those calls.

So I want to protect my neice but I really don't know what to do. I'd love to hear from adult children of people with BPD about what you wish an aunt could have done at the time things were difficult.

I also just want to add that there is a lineage of conflict and high conflict personalities in my family that I am certainly part of. I don't think of this as she's a bad person and I'm a good person. It's complex and nuanced and I'm learning how to deal with it all in my family and in myself. But what troubles me most is this little girl who clearly loves the world and wants to explore but her mum keeps her close because she emotionally depends on her.

If you have read all of this, you are an absolute star! Thank you. Please let me know your thoughts.

 Lou x

[pursuingJoy]

LeafyLou, first, welcome!   We're glad you're here.  

Second, kudos to you for enduring what you shared and more, I'm sure. It is not easy to unpack family trauma the way you are AND play a role in your sister's life, AND look out for your niece. I have 3 bio girls and 3 stepkids and it's hard to hear how your niece is being suffocated to serve her mom's emotional needs. Nothing as severe, but I've had to navigate it too. My stepdaughter was 9 and at our house, her mom called her on the phone at 11 pm, drunk, and the 9 year old had to coach her up her own front stairs, in the door, and reassure her mom as her mom was crying. The saddest part is that she's been conditioned to serve this role and she thinks it's normal.

Does your sister see a therapist of any kind? She seems open to her autism diagnosis. I believe CBT can be used to treat the emotional dysregulation symptoms of autism in adults.

How is this affecting your home life and your relationship with your partner? I know you're focused on your niece and sister at the moment, but take care of you so you have the energy and emotional bandwidth to help them.  

There are great articles and discussion here re: boundaries and radical acceptance, both tools that are really meaningful and helpful to those of us dealing with BPD family. You'll also want to read stories on the son/daughter board. Grandparents often face alienation from grandkids when there is a BPD son or daughter involved and they share so many of your concerns about the wellbeing of the children.

I know there are adult children of BPD parents here that will have great advice for you. In the meantime, read and keep talking. We're glad you found us.

[khibomsis]

Hey, LeafyLou! Welcome to the family! My aunts were great, just great. Even those who had children of their own adopted me and took time out to make me feel special. Along with my father, I often think this was the critical element keeping me from insanity. I mean, I have plenty issues but not BPD which, with a uNBPD mom might have easily happened. I recognize in myself some BPD traits which I believe  were acquired simply by seeing them in my mom and coming to think of them as normal. Thanks to my aunts I was able to see that there were other ways of being, and encouraged us siblings to police each other when it came to BPD behaviour. 
 I'm with PJ about putting on your own oxygen mask first. Your niece needs to see that modelled too. Wishing you well and hope this has helped.