Thank you for your detailed and well thought out response Notwendy!
Maybe it would help for you to decide where you want the relationship to go in terms of romantic or not. Your GF's emotions ( and possibly yours too for a while) will be all over the place.
Yes, I agree. I am hoping we can use the next 4.5 months to determine if we want to stay together as a couple or not. I think for her part, her mind is already made up that she doesn't want to. She misconstrued a statement I made exactly a week before the moving truck arrived. I said, "I'm getting to the point where I feel like I don't want to get back together." This was after two days of her sending me nasty text messages. She was blaming me for leaving, and forcing her to raise the boy alone. She seems to have forgotten, that she called 911 on me and the police came. They took me to the hospital in handcuffs. That day she told my mother I needed to find somewhere else to live. If I thought we could get back to where we were in the fall of 2019, I would say let's work things out. I can only do so much self improvement in this situation and I need to be careful of my own mental health.
I'm not sure what she means by sending you this idea of equality. My guess is you both made mistakes in the relationship. The benefit is for each of you to examine your own, on your own, rather than looking at each other's. Looking at someone else's issues doesn't fix them. If you discover you need to aplologize for sojavascript:void(0);mething on your part, you can do that. FF is correct in that the two of you are co parenting, and if you can make this as stable as possible it will benefit you both and the child.
This was in response to a question that I asked her the morning after our last couples therapy session. She has had a habit of sending me a nasty message every morning around 7 a.m. starting about April 29th. It happened after the baby rolled off the bed and fell on his head under her care. She sent me a nasty message on Friday, May 7th, once again explaining that my earlier statements caused her to pull the baby away from me when I was watching him. I apologized to her for hurting her so deeply by my earlier statements, wishing I could take them back and lamenting our current situation and that I never intended to hurt her. That I wanted to be the first man in her life to stay with her.
She replied, "I think that's the difference between us. I don't really want and am not looking for someone to right the wrongs of my past. All I want and have ever wanted was an equal and a partner. But I appreciate the sentiment."
I found the statement pretty hurtful at first, but I chose not to follow my amygdala hijack. Instead I took the time to really process her statement and read into what she was telling me. So early in the evening, I asked, "What would make you feel like an equal and a partner." She replied that she would get back to me.
Yes, I want to make things as stable as possible. For my part, I think I managed to respond to all of early morning nastygrams with kindness and understanding. It's a lot easier to do this remotely via text than in person.
I don't know what kind of visitation schedule you have worked out, or if she's even a safe parent for the child. I am not a lawyer but you may need some kind of legal arrangement to have this schedule. The emotions on both your parts might make a schedule and sticking to a schedule difficult.
Confirmed, since he fell on his head, I have been having the same question. I realize this is a fairly common home accident. So I am doing my best not to fall into the blame game with it. I would really prefer to keep this out of the courts, if we can. Due to my initial suicidal ideation, and a suicide note I gave her in October, a custody battle will be expensive for us. I started taking medication and am seeing things much more clearly, now. My depression has largely subsided. I have a history of depression, so given everything that has transpired in the past year, it's not surprising it's managed to creep its way back in. I'm doing my best to keep my emotions out of it. Our current agreed schedule has been visitation on Saturday and as requested on weeknights. It's sort of fallen into a schedule of Wednesday nights. Last week I made the mistake of packing for my move on Wednesday. This caused a considerable amount of drama. She felt slighted that I chose to pack instead of take responsibility for the baby. I understand her point of view. However, when she tried to discuss it with me she went into a total rage and screamed at the top of her lungs. I responded via text that moving forward if she chose to scream at me, that would be the end of the conversation. She liked that even less and went into a total tirade about me being controlling and abusive. Fortunately for me, I now can see where the real problem exists.
"Equal" in the perspective of someone with BPD might not really be equal. It maybe actually be uneven with you doing the larger part. Rather than consider this as unfair to you, look at this from the perspective of the child- what is best for the child.
I agree. For a week or two prior to the blowout, she started going down this thought path that I wasn't doing enough. I was consistently grocery shopping, cooking, watching the boy any time she requested me to. When we were considering having a child she promised me that she would take care of everything. She really didn't understand what she was talking about, though. I questioned it at the time, which lead to more fighting.
I think it's important to acknowlege your feelings of resentment that having a child changed things for you. When we become parents, our lives do change in many ways. We can't spontaneously join friends to do something fun. But that doesn't mean we can't ever do something fun with friends- we can if we plan and arrange for a sitter first.
This has not been the case in the pandemic. Also her hate for my mother impacts our ability to have access to affordable childcare. The babysitter we have on week days is great, but costs $20 an hour. Also, when I tried to schedule fun things for the two of us to do, I was met with a lot of hostility about hiring a baby sitter for the above reason. Maybe after the pandemic has ended, and children under 2 or whatever are approved for a vaccine, this will be reality. Unfortunately, at this time, it is not.
I do hope you can overcome these feelings by staying focused that your child isn't at fault for this and he needs unconditonal love from you, and to feel wanted even if his beginning was out of ambivalence. The time of infancy is challenging as he's completely dependent and doesn't "give" a lot back. He can't toss a ball with you, or interact with you, but this time is temporary. This relationship will be your greatest source of joy, if you nurture it and allow it to be. Years ago Kenny Chesney wrote "There goes my life" song about this.
The baby is absolutely not at fault. I feel terrible that he does not get to have a stable family like I grew up in. I would do anything that will not impact my own well being to make this happen. At almost a one year old, his smiles, giggles and general excitement and enthusiasm about his surroundings are starting to give a whole lot back.
Last, I would caution you about starting another relationship with someone else at this vulnerable time. It's documented that if someone leaves a dysfunctional relationship and gets into another one without processing their part in it, they risk recreating the same dysfunction with someone else. Best to work on your own recovery first.
I have no intention of forging a new relationship until I own a permanent residence and have settled into a full 50/50 custody arrangement. I took a long time getting myself prepared for this current disaster. It took me seven years before I felt confident I was ready for a new relationship. I just have trouble picking stable mates. I'm realizing now, that I definitely fall into the codependent category, once the honeymoon stage of the relationship starts to falter. I was so prepared to separate early on in this relationship. I'm really annoyed at myself for letting her suck me into her guilt trips. Hopefully, I've learned a few things for the future, assuming she continues to refuse to accept that she needs help.
I'm writing from the perspective of a child of a BPD mother. My father did overtime in terms of parenting. I am very grateful for this. I know that it "wasn't fair" and it wasn't equal on his part, but our welfare depended on it. We don't always see the immediate reward from parenting, but you will in time. You may be giving up some fun things now, but the rewards can be greater.
Thank you again for your heartfelt perspective! This is absolutely the dad I want to be. I hope that I can work through my own shortcomings and bring this goal to fruition. I realize that as the boy becomes older and asserts his individuality and independence from his mother, that it will most likely bring out new and difficult symptoms for her. Hopefully you continue to post here, so I gain the perspective of the adult child, and prevent myself from falling into similar cycles that you experience.
Did your father stay with your mother as a romantic couple, or did they separate? If they separated how young were you and what impact has it had on you, good or bad.
