Feeling Torn

[billydylan]

This is my first time on a community site.  I learned for the first time today that my mother and possibly sister have BPD.  Its not that I never realized something was wrong before.  I realized that a while ago.  But I always felt conflicted, and still feel conflicted, about my relationship with them.  My wife would be more than happy to never see my family ever again.  That's a hard thing to do.  I don't know if that's healthy, or if I'm just withdrawing instead of dealing, or if I'd just be a bad person.    But I'm tired of it all. And its hurting my marriage.  I don't want to lose the one good thing in my life for all this.  But how does one leave their sister and mother behind? Any thoughts?

[Turkish]

Can you tell us about the conflict more? What are your mother and sister doing that is resulting in conflict with your wife and stressing your marriage?

[Siblings123]

I know your dilemma well. I have gone up and back over the years with levels of contact and backing away when needed to. To find myself back in it.  This IS the struggle for sure. I’m not married, but always worried about how would ever bring someone in to this dynamic and struggle with my handling of things. And do worry about how it does effect other relationships. I’ve had to compartmentalize my life and keep friendships separate. It’s really hard. I’ll be back here to see what guidance you get. Take care of yourself and protect what you have that’s good. All my best!

[billydylan]

Thanks for the replies.  I realized that I was pressuring my wife to cope in the same was I had, by excusing, by going along and being nice, because I was fearing my family's reactions.  To me, their behavior is "normal" in the sense that I'd already experienced it all.  It was expected.  I had lost perspective on what was healthy and not healthy.  To her, it was all scary: the hours of fighting, the criticisms, imputing motives, warping of reality, the guilt-trips, the sometimes physical abuse, etc.  It has taken me 13 years of marriage to realize this. 

I've been reading this book, 'walking on eggshells.'  It seems that a lot of the things recommended are coping and mitigation strategies.  To be in a relationship with someone that has bpd seems to mean dealing with it for life, at least in many cases.

[beatricex]

hi billydyan,
Your posts really resonated with me.

you said "to her it was all scary..." 

Kind of a bitter sweet wake up call, huh?  Your wife is basically telling you "I wouldn't put up with this" and you are basically asking yourself "why am I putting up with this?"

really great insight and I hear and feel a lot of wisdom in your posts

b

[Methuen]

My wife would be more than happy to never see my family ever again.  That's a hard thing to do.  I don't know if that's healthy, or if I'm just withdrawing instead of dealing,

This is insightful, because it gets to the crux of the matter in a hurry ("withdrawing vs dealing with).  I am an only child with a geriatric 85 yr old mother who opted for the "dealing with".  I don't think I could walk away from her, because she has no other family apart from me.  I would call "dealing with" a journey of self-discovery.  It's been hard, time consuming, and at times painful.  It also takes a lot of time and genuine effort, which I had because I am semi-retired.  In my case, I learned a completely new set of "tools" for communicating, relating and problem solving when it comes to my uBPD mom (SET, not JADEing, asking validating questions...all on this site). I also practice mindfulness now, and have learned the skill of self-care.  I also got a new therapist, and spend a lot of time on this site.  When things get out of control, I have shorter periods of low or no contact, and give her time to self-soothe, instead of feeling obligated to fix her bad feelings and make her feel better (which I can never achieve anyways).  Other's on this site, have to go no contact to save themselves.  Each situation is so different, and you will find a full spectrum of people here.  The beautiful thing is, the community is respectful, supportive, and solution based. 

But I'm tired of it all. And its hurting my marriage.  I don't want to lose the one good thing in my life for all this.

It sounds like the current status quo isn't sustainable, and change of some kind would be helpful moving forward.  Let us know how we can help.