When will the distortion stop?

[StillStuck]

I had a long affair with a woman with BPD who was much younger than I was. The whole relationship was chaos, and I was manipulated to the point where I lost everything important to me.

Fortunately, the relationship ended more than 2+ years ago. After years of whiplash back and forth, she finally began to see me as all evil. She ended it and I haven’t contacted her directly or indirectly since.

For more than 2 years, though, I have dealt with a distortion campaign, targeting me primarily online. I’ve ignored it completely and not engaged her at all, even as I’ve lost contact with friends and acquaintances. I just started to feel like my life was back on track and was feeling hope. New job, new city, and my relationship with my wife back on track. But the woman with BPD just ramped up her online assault more than she ever had before. She sent private DMs to a bunch of people we both know accusing me of grooming her, abusing her, and stalking her. I lost 74 Twitter followers in one day, but I’m not sure all were because of her. Some confirmed she contacted them, but only 1-2 didn’t fall for it.

I have been no contact for more than 2.5+ years. She apparently got married. When will this all finally stop? I’m so sick of it and I just want to move on, but I have a public profile because of my job — and the more her lies and rumors spread, the more vulnerable I feel and the bigger the risks become.

[MeandThee29]

I'm sorry, but when it does.

One time I sat at my attorney's huge conference table and asked this. He answered the above and added that most of his clients did find that the partner eventually gave up. I found with mine that responding only as necessary and sometimes not at all was best. I never blamed and only responded when I had to. I never hinted at an ongoing connection at all.

Now it's been six months, and maybe?

[Mutt]

Hi StillStuck,

I’m sorry that you’re going though this. As you probably already know a pwBPD will split people as either all white or all black. The r/s starts as most r/s do with seeing the other person as perfect with no faults because everything in the r/s is new and eventually the imperfections start to show and eventually this type of r/s a pwBPD will see the person that they held up high on a pedestal at on point not being able to distinguish the good and bad qualities and only see bad qualities - split black.

They split people that they care about most.

She’s married now - splitting doesn’t happen all at once. If she’s not getting help for herself she’ll continue with the same behaviors with a new person. Eventually her husband will go through the exact same experience as you went through and he’ll be split black. The splitting that you’re going through right now is going to shift eventually. I can relate with what you’re going through. I was split black for a couple of years after my marriage failed with a upwBPD eventually the splitting shifted to her affair partner and the negative attention that was on me shifted to him and it was quiet after that for a long time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey StillStuck, All you can do is keep good boundaries and avoid engaging with her.  In an effort to pre-empt the distortion campaign in the early stages of our divorce, I let close friends and family members know that they might hear from her, in which case they should disregard any drama or exaggerations.  My family and friends got the picture and basically ignored her attempts to paint me black.

LuckyJim

[EyesUp]

I am struggling with this now.

I want to stay on the high road, but I have concerns about how my stbxw's smear campaign to our kids' friends parents will impact our kids.  I'm not sure that engaging will help.

So I remain detached, stay on the high road, and document what I can - both for my sanity, and for potential reference re: custody dispute.

In these circumstances, it seems that the best option is to take a long view, and hope that your x will eventually move on to new supply.  Ongoing contact when kids are in the mix is a particular challenge.