I Am Done

[Sylfine]

After over a year of being away from my FOO due to COVID, I finally came back to visit.  When I got here Friday, my uBPD mother was the first I saw and hugging her was like hugging a dead fish.  Nothing was said though, and the weekend went mostly uneventfully.  Then last night, she decided she wanted to talk.  I was expecting this, so mentally I was prepared.  The flood gates opened:
Everyone else is wrong.  She must have made a mess of everything.  She pointed out issues with everyone else in the family, and her friends, but not one single thig about herself.  Said I don't care about my father or her.  She "can't" get over her parent's deaths.  She's dealing with so much stuff but has no one.  Most people have friends and/or family when they retire; she doesn't.  She prays that God takes her because she has nothing to live for.  Everyone she's "done so much for" has turned their backs on her.  Since she never "said" she didn't like my husband and his family, she doesn't know where we got that idea.  When I pointed out things she did that made my him feel unwelcome, she had excuses for everything/reasoned it away.  Maybe she's right - maybe I don't care anymore.  It's hard to care about someone who refuses to accept any responsibility for her own life.  I just needed to vent and hear from others going through similar situations.  Thanks for listening.

[Sylfine]

Update:  She came to me this morning to tell me to apologize to my husband for her.  Claims she never meant to make him feel unwelcome.  Turned it into that supposedly she felt *he* never wanted to be around them, which made her defensive and that's possibly why she came across that way.  I told her I would tell him.  What do I do with this?  She always finds a way to twist things so she is never the "bad guy" and now she can claim "she apologized".  How would you handle this?

[yamada]

she should apologise to him herself

[pursuingJoy]

Maybe she's right - maybe I don't care anymore.  It's hard to care about someone who refuses to accept any responsibility for her own life. 

What does she mean when she says, "you don't care?"

What do YOU think it means to really care about someone? Is it different from her idea?

[Sylfine]

Yamada - I agree and my husband was really upset that she didn't.  But she refuses "Why should I be the one to reach out to him?  I'm hurt".  Now she's come up with a story of things he has supposedly done to hurt her.

PJ - the supposed not caring on my part is because I didn't come up here last year during the pandemic.  My dad had a few surgeries during that time and it was scary.  She expects me to drop everything and race up here - even though there was nothing I could do. Not like I could go to the hospital with all the restrictions.  My idea of caring about someone means respecting their choices, making sure they are ok, not yelling, not getting physical, doing things for them with no expectation of receiving anything in return but love and appreciation.  I don't know what hers is - she would claim it's the same.  But she doesn't act that way.  She seems to think of her kids as extensions of herself and if they don't do and act exactly the way she wants, then she gets "hurt".  She does lots of "nice" things, but it seems like she expects unwavering devotion, loyalty, and the right to control in return.  (She threatened when I was in college to make me pay her back for my high school if I didn't do what she wanted.  She holds all the times my sister had to go to the hospital over her head as well).

My husband is coming up here today to get me to a hotel for the rest of my stay.  That's going to cause a blow up too.  But I need to protect myself and my daughter.  

Further update:  she hit my father yesterday because he was yelling at my brother, then justified it.  And my father's mind isn't always there so he doesn't even know she did it. They all justified it because "she put so much pressure on herself and them to not fight while I'm here".  Oh, and she claims that when she went to counseling, the counselor said her problem was that "she cares too much".  Ugh there's just so much and I can't type everything.  It seems everyone is against me taking care of myself, my marriage and my daughter.  She said "I wasn't taught to turn away from my family".  They don't even realize how toxic how they act is.  They're old and won't change (dad's words).  He says I let things get to me too much.  I spent 2 hours crying last night.  I'm sure my mom did too.   I don't want to hurt her but my daughter and my husband are my priority - right?

One last update - my dad came to me this morning and said she told him to set her up for counseling.  Not sure how to take that or how it will go.

[Need2Heal]

Sylfine

I can relate to this on so many levels.  My mother is never at fault (according to her).  She alienates every friend she makes and I've had to hear all the reasons why "they" were wrong.  I just wanted to shake her and say "can't you see the problem is you"!  I have not spoken to my mother in almost 5 years after she displayed her typical behavior to my then 2 year old daughter.  I decided that my daughter would never be subject to her abuse and I cut ties.  While I'm happier without her in my life, I still struggle with the fact that I don't have a mom, that mom who should love their childr unconditionally.  I plan to start therapy to help heal.  I have carried so much into my adulthood and have not always dealt with the pain in the healthiest of ways.  I also recognize how much of what she did to me is spilling into my own relationships.  Bottom line, take care of you because honestly a BPD will never take care of you like you deserve.  Hugs

[WoofMeow]

      I had to reply because my interactions with my mother were the same. First, yes, your husband and daughter are your first priority. Second, your father is correct and they are never going to change. You need to emotionally protect yourself. You seem to see the manipulation your mother is carrying out. That's a good start. I never went no contact with my mother but I did watch what I told her. Anything you say can be used against you (or your husband, MIL, etc). I learned to never talk about my in-laws as they were an especial threat to her. Your life with your husband is going to be a trigger for her. As you transition from dependent daughter to wife and mother she loses control and that drives BPD's into worse behavior.
      If you can find strategies to help with interacting with your family fine. If not, it may be time to contemplate a more restrictive relationship. My mom died last April so I did not have to deal with quarantine guilt but I'm sure I would have been subjected to it. It is really difficult to not take on her emotional burden. We have been doing it our entire lives. I never mastered it but I hope you do.

[Cait]

I am sorry you are going through this, I know how hard it is. One of the things I struggle with the most about having a loved one with BPD is the lack of accountability on their end. As you say, they never seem to take responsibility for their role in the dysfunction of a relationship. It's always a victim mentality. My therapist provided insight into this recently - she said that people with BPD often times have a very tiny internal locus of control - everything is a reaction to something that is done externally to them (ie, a person or situation). It's always, "well I only behaved this way because you/he/she did this to me and I had no choice." I struggle with this element of the disorder and knowing whether they can help this or not. Still, I believe fundamentally that each and every person in this world, regardless of their circumstances, are responsible for their own behavior at some level. We can empathize and try to understand, but we cannot control someone else's actions.