Have always been the stable figure of the family - need support and guidance

[inshock]

Hi, I posted here several years ago after suffering from losing my sister to BP. My sister and mother moved to my city ten years ago, and four months later, my sister left and stopped speaking to us. She has a phone and texting relationship with my mother now. Fast forward to the present. I am now the sole caretaker of my 86 year old mother who has a tremendous soft heart when it comes to my sister's antics. I now realize that my mother is not stable either. My mother and sister gossip about me. I have heard lies and exaggerations about my family and me. The gossip has undermined what relationship I have left with my sister. I cannot say anything to my mother without it being inaccurately reported back to my sister. My mother fabricates that I am paroling her bank accounts, falsely reporting my moods and things I say, making snide remarks about my husband (who does everything for her). My mother is a trouble maker and a backstabber. I have asked my mother numerous times to stop gossiping abut me but she will not. My sister recently visited. Despite three days of nice conversations over coffee I am called names like icequeen and bully. She is calling it quits after my mother told her I said something derogatory about my sister's friend (which didn't happen).
I know about triangulation. I cannot figure out my situation though. I provide my mother with all care. I offered to move her to my sister's city or get 24/7 care in her house because it is hard for me to be around someone that lies. I just don't know what to do. Basically I am the Cinderella for these two women. My reputation with my sister is important to me. I do care about what she thinks. I don't want her to think poorly of me based on lies. I have always been the strong, problem solver, and reliable one of the family. It hurts my feelings that I do everything for my mother and she treats me this way. It makes me wonder if I have never been loved. I know that sounds heavy but I don't know how else to interpret it.

[inshock]

I want to defend myself. I want them to know I know. I want my sister to know the truth. Do I defend or do I walk away letting my mother cloud my sister's perception of me. I don't think there is a future friendship between my sister and me because we are so different. The betrayals from the past when I posted here have faded but lack of support in caring for our mother is a new betrayel. Please, I need to decide. I turned to this community because they were so helpful before

[inshock]

My sister has never asked about our mother welfare even when she is sick, never thanks me for caring for her. I have a cooking service making my mom food that she keeps in the freezer. That way I knew she had food during the pandemic if my family got sick and had to stay away from her. Recently my sister said I should do the cooking and my husband and adult son should help also. Right now my husband cares for my mother's car, her yard, manages her technology, minor household repairs, arranges extensive home repairs, invests her money, prepares her taxes, helps with doctors, entertains her for holidays, birthdays and cares for her like a queen when she sleeps at our house. And he is suppose to cook too?

I can't even begin to think like my sister and I can't even begin to understand my mother's backstabbing ways.

I don't get it. I don't understand

[Siblings123]

Wow! I’m so sorry for what you are going through! I feel for you!
Bu the way, I’m with my Mom too, my sister is not. She recently questioned me about why my Mom is taking out the garbage. Ohhh, that angered me. That’s amazing that you have a cooking service for her. That’s great. It’s something  when family  who isn’t there, can try to dictate what happens and what you should be doing.

 I had to smile when I read “Ice Queen” because my BPD sister frequently tells me I’m cold. And I used to question that in myself. But came to see that as her not being able to manipulate me. So. When I hear it now, it’s a gauge that I’m being perfectly strong for myself in that moment.  . I don’t know that I will ever let my guard fully down. And she’s done work on herself where I can be around her. Have a conversation.   I’ve worked a lot in therapy at trying not to get hooked in. But it’s still challenging. Especially when your close in proximity. I’ve started reading the book about not caretaking the borderline or narcissist and it explains the dynamic so well, so intricately. The very sad thing is, if this is the sister with BPD, you may not  get an acknowledgement from her. But you know the truth the dynamic can be crazy making.  I went through that for years trying to show what kind of person I was then realized it doesn’t matter. When she feels like she’s drowning, she’s spouting and latching on for someone to be there for her.  It’s got to be really hard also with the added dynamic with your Mom. 

Take care of yourself!

[Methuen]

I cannot figure out my situation though. I provide my mother with all care. I offered to move her to my sister's city or get 24/7 care in her house because it is hard for me to be around someone that lies. I just don't know what to do.

My first thought, and maybe it's not a helpful one, is that part of the problem is "you are still trying to figure out the  situation".  Instead of this rational thinking, which will get you no where with a pwBPD, I would suggest radical acceptance, and facing that "it is what it is".  This is kind of a shift in thinking.

I have always been the strong, problem solver, and reliable one of the family. It hurts my feelings that I do everything for my mother and she treats me this way.

I get it.  You are helpful and supportive, but none of that seems to matter or count for anything with her.  I can relate.  With my mom, the "harder I tried", the worse she treated me.  It was a process, but I have  transitioned to "letting her" do more (she's 85 and fragile in every way).  Despite her telling me what she can't do, it turns out she can do a lot more than she convinced me she wasn't capable of.  I had to learn that I didn't have to do everything for her (even though she has a long laundry list of serious health issues).  Now that I'm giving her the opportunity (i.e. being less available to do it for her), she's got more confidence.  But to get here, I had to suffer through some extinction bursts.  Your situation may be very different.

I want to defend myself. I want them to know I know. I want my sister to know the truth. Do I defend or do I walk away letting my mother cloud my sister's perception of me.

It feels impossible to give advice, because we just haven't lived your situation, and don't have the facts or feelings of your lived experience.  Having said that, are you familiar with JADEing?  Justifying yourself and your actions?  Arguing your case?  Defending yourself against judgement or attacks?  Explaining your reasoning or actions?  Generally speaking, JADEing is a good thing NOT to do with people with BPD, because they find this very invalidating, which triggers more intense negative feelings for them, resulting in nastiness and reactions to our JADEing, and then the conflict escalates.  I avoid JADEing with my mom now.  I use other techniques instead.  But in your case, it sounds like a bunch of lies have been told about you, and you would like to set the record straight.  Do I have that right?  It sounds like your sister is BPD.  Is your mother also BPD?  That is a consideration, as is the quality of your lifetime relationship with her.  If she has trusted you in the past, that is worth something.  I think it is pretty normal to want to share your truth with her.  The thing is, if you do that, it would be a good idea to prepare yourself for all possible responses, including a negative one.  That would be the worst case scenario, but you would still have stated "your truth".  To have the best chance at success if you decide to move forward with that plan, it is best to craft your message carefully, choose your words thoughtfully, state the facts, be sure to stay calm, and keep the message simple.  Google BIFF - brief, informative, friendly, firm.  Keep in mind that whatever you say will get back to your sister, and twisted against you.  In the end your truth may make no difference. They are going to think what they want, and you can't control it.

In the end, what can guide you best, is to think about your own values, and be guided by your values.  Do what is most likely to support your health, because actions and reactions that support your own well-being is the only thing you can control.

Recently my sister said I should do the cooking and my husband and adult son should help also. Right now my husband cares for my mother's car, her yard, manages her technology, minor household repairs, arranges extensive home repairs, invests her money, prepares her taxes, helps with doctors, entertains her for holidays, birthdays and cares for her like a queen when she sleeps at our house. And he is suppose to cook too?

I can't even begin to think like my sister and I can't even begin to understand my mother's backstabbing ways.

I don't get it. I don't understand

Right. So stop trying to understand what can't be understood maybe?  For me, this was radical acceptance of the situation.  The temptation is to JADE, but this will escalate, and make the conflict worse.  I very slowly and deliberately began to withdraw from doing the things my mom could do herself.  It was a process, and took a long long time for her to adjust.  A question I have for you: why is it so important to you what your sister tells you "you should be doing"?  What if a stranger off the street said this to you? Would you be more likely to dismiss it?  If yes, why is it different with your sister?  Should it be different?  Maybe change things up a bit, and see if you can react less to some of the things she says - so give less importance to what she says.

My mom used to say things which I referred to afterwards as "barbs" with my H.  She was always shooting barbs at me, trying to suck me into some conflict.  Conflict was her norm.  That's when she's dysregulating, which it sounds like your mom and sister are both going through.  Maybe try not to react to the "barbs"?  See what happens if you don't react...  

Not sure if any of this is helpful.  Sometimes just doing your best, is all you can do. If it blows up, they will blame you.  That doesn't mean it's your fault. Just do your best.  Then reflect, and keep learning.  

[Mommydoc]

I can completely relate to your situation, inshock. I was the primary caregiver for my father before he died and now for my mother, who is 91 and has advanced Parkinson’s with dementia.   My uBPD sister lives across the country, criticizes and tries to block every decision I make even though I am the health care POA. 

I want to defend myself. I want them to know I know. I want my sister to know the truth. Do I defend or do I walk away letting my mother cloud my sister's perception of me.

When I read your posts, I see myself.   Before coming to this site and beginning therapy myself, I made a lot of mistakes. I tried to explain and justify, to include her, and to appease her.  It doesn’t matter what the issue “du jour” was, the harder I tried, the worse things were. My family objectively saw how it impacted me, and were amazed at how my sister would hurl insults and false accusations at me, and walk away completely unscathed.

Only you know if you need to walk away and/or when. But as methuen says, don’t JADE.   Defending yourself or explaining yourself, consistently adds fuel to the fire. 

I recently read the book, Emotional Blackmail.  The author offers an exercise in which you write down on post its or small pieces of paper all of the horrible things your “blackmailer” has said to you.  You package them and label them “ return to sender”... You can put the package under the bed, you can burn it in the fireplace, or run over it with your car... what ever allows you to let go of them, reject them, and embrace your truth and values. I haven’t done the exercise, but I now try to mentally “ return to sender” the ridiculous things my sister says to me.   

You  are an amazing daughter.  You are modeling for your family and living your values.  You are stronger than you know and you are on the right path.  Keep coming back here for support. 

[Notwendy]

It makes me wonder if I have never been loved. I know that sounds heavy but I don't know how else to interpret it.

I can relate to this as well. I too have been the stronger and more stable one in the family. I don't think that the reason my parents leaned on me was due to not loving me initially. I am pretty certain my BPD mother hasn't ever loved me but it's not because of me, I don't think she can love anyone. I think my father did love me ( he is deceased) but became ovewhelmed and enmeshed with my mother and assumed I could handle it.

Like you, I have basically been the Cinderella to my BPD mother. I also have empathy for my father and wanted to help.  I think it wasn't intended to be hurtful but was out of the need to just get by as a family. He needed to work to support all of us and BPD mom's issues took center stage for the family.

My BPD mother treats me like a servant. It's easier to not have any expectations of her beyond that. I still help when it's possible but only if I am willing to help. I have to have boundaries with her. I hope you will be able to have them too with your family and also realize it's not personal to you. It's how they are