Stepmom who is moving on

[beatricex]

I had a conversation with my husband about how when I met him almost 7 years ago, all the problems his kids currently have were present then.  I said, I came into this family and everyone expected me to be this superhuman person that was going to save this family...Well, I am not.  I have my own problems! (bpd mom, high anxiety, it's starting to affect my health, like my cortisol comes up high in bloodwork.  Also triglycerides).   No one has ever gotten along with your youngest daughter (she hates everyone) but somehow, I was going to do it. 

I said "thanks for thinking I was somehow superhuman, but I am not!" 

It took me a whole year and going through all the stages of grief, but I feel like my heart has moved on.

Thanks for listening

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Oh beatricex!...I attest to the fact that being a birth mother can be hard...but stepping into the role of step-mother can well be another can of worms...so many different layers of relationship issues from pasts and presents.

Sounds like you are preparing to work on more boundaries and the sooner the better.
Anxiety is not to be ignored.  Your body is sending you a message.   Start pampering yourself...doing whatever it is that brings a smile to your face.  Until you feel a footing, make it all about YOU.

Good that you had that conversation with your husband.  What has been his reaction?

((HUGS)...and encouragement...from Huat

[Kaylynn]

What a relief you must feel having said that to your H. I recently said the same to my H and have felt a huge weight off of my shoulders. I have disengaged from my 17 yo SD and she has also chosen not to come to our house for 3 weeks as of yesterday.

Interesting that your cortisol levels were high because mine were too! I was getting sick so often and my chiropractor suggested a test for hormone and cortisol levels. Apparently the stress in our household was contributing to my system getting out of balance.

I hope your husband and mine will be able to accept that our boundaries are not against them, but the kids who break through boundaries. I'm proud of you...it takes a lot to stand up for the family and yourself!

[jordan_bg]

These messages have been so reassuring to read. My 20yo Stepson lives with us full time and is more and more hostile towards me and my 7 year old daughter all the time(I have been his step mom for 13 years). He is also abusive towards his GF (we hear hi raging on the phone regularly saying the kinds of things I'd hoped my kids would never hear) and he has broken nearly every peace of furniture in his room in his fits of rage. Needless to say, it's been hard. He recently went into a fit of rage aimed at me, in front of my two younger kids. I was concerned for my physical safety. He went too far and I told him he needed to go, stay at his mom's or soemwhere else for awhile (gtanted I said this screaming and sobbing). His dad (also BPD) initially objected but fianlly agreed. But, now he says his son is gone temporarily and will be moving back in soon. I'm not comfortable with that. AT all. His son is diagnosed but refusing treatment and in the meantime we are all subject to his moods and violent behaviors. He is an adult AND has another parent and I don't feel this is my job to put up with anymore. BUT OF COURSE, my husband is making me feel so guilty and also like i don't even have a choice...
All that to say, I'm new to this website and it is helping so much to see that there are other solutions and that so many other people have been there. The role of stepmom is super hard in the best of circumstances but this is just too much.

[LostInPlace]

BeatriceX, I came here many months ago, my only post, and you were so gracious and helpful. Today I came back for the first time and this is one of the first posts I am seeing. I am sad and relieved for you at the same time. I don't know how you've done it for 7 years. My SD (14) has only lived with us for 8 months and I'm already wondering if I can stomach this. Her therapist won't officially diagnose her until she is 18, but has acknowledged that he is treating her as though she has the diagnosis. I don't have any words of wisdom on this. I have been through one hellacious divorce 5 years ago, and really don't want to go through any type again. I do know that the strength you've shown or gained over the last 7 years is preparation for whatever your future will bring you on your own.