"Trial" separation from my husband

[jordan_bg]

Hello,
This is my first post here. I discovered the site through SWOE. I've been reading a lot of messages and haven't seen any (yet) that are similar to my situtation and I would love some perspective.
A quick rundown :
I am american living in france and married to a french man with BPD. Married for 13 years, we have two small kids together and I am step mother to his son, 20 years old, also recently diagnosed BPD.
The conflict in our relationship has been going on since the beginning (to varying degrees depending on his stress levels) and intensified dramatically the past 5 years. The BPD diagnosis is recent but he's been in traditional therapy for almsot 4 years which IMO has done us more harm than good. His first year in therapy his T seemed to focus on his self-image/self esteem and (i now know because of B/W thinking) he spent most of that year taking me down at every ocassion for making him the "bad guy" all these years when really I am the bad guy. Things calmed down a bit briefly after that first year in therapy but i felt like that set off an even more intense cycling of abuse/guilt/denial etc. The roller coaster just became non stop. I think this was also set off by other life changes around the same time period but honestly, before there used to be longer periods of calm between the storms.

Anyway, all that to say that, without knowing about the BPD, i was able to manage more or less (using very unhealthy/codependant coping staretgies), but the avalanche of the past few years has just been too much for me. I asked for a trial separation two months ago after my physical exhaustion started overtaking me ( i broke out in a horrible painful rash over 60% of my body).

Obviously, for someone who is terrified of abandonment and exists in a black and white world, this has mostly made things worse between us. He can't stand living in the grey area and is constantly pushing me either with declarations of love or tirades about what a selfish hateful person I am.
TBH, I only see him in person once a week so regardless, I'm still appreciating the moments of peace in between and feeling like I'm FINALLY saying what I need, not spending my time trying to anticipate his every need and ignoring my own. I'm also, for the most part, not engaging in arguments with him.

The thing is, in theory this separation was supposed to be a breather for me but i think we have both realized that things cannot go back to the way they were and also that we don't really know how we can move forward.
He knows he has BPD and seems to accept it, but goes back and forth between blaming it all on BPD and saying BPD is not who he is. He is on a waitlist for a weekly program to start in January (DBT). I don't know what I can really expect from that but I also don't know if it's fair to put any expectations on him. It is definitely not an ultimatum. I am also in therapy and trying to focus on what i want/need out of my life in general.  He wants to do the therapy, but I don't know how much he really wants to change. Aren't most people with BPD doing everything to avoid change? To validate their own behavoir? Thats what it feels like most of the time...
I guess it comes down to I just don't really trust him right now, I don't feel like I can do all of the things the book says... I'm all for setting boundaries and such, but really, am I just supposed to accept FOR LIFE that he can start raging at me and any moment and I should just shut up and take it (not engage, take a break, etc) ? I don't know if i can get on board with that...
Am i supposed to accept abusive behavior? Not accepting it is really not an option if I can't control his behavior and he can't control his behavior... I just don't get it. It's so frustrating and confusing.
Now that I'm no longer living through his mood swings every day and I'm alone in my house with my kids in peace I just can't imagine going back to that, but at the same time, I don't want to abandon him and I do want to support him...
It's all just really, really hard. I feel like not knowing about the BPD all these years I just walked into so many traps, everything you're not supposed to do, and now we have kids in the middle of it all.
When he's being verbally abusive (I'm sorry if that is triggering, i saw a lot of posts where people seem to tiptoe around calling it abuse but i don't really understand why). I think of my own daughter seeing that and eventually being treated that way in her own adult relationships some day and I think i would just never forgive myself.
So, to summarize, married but separated with no clue how to move forward and no solutions in sight, also woried about his mental state as he is cycling through so many extreme emotions, trying to protect my kids from all this, and feeling like BPD is a no win situation. It's a lot.
If you've made it to the end, THANK YOU for reading. This site seems like areally great resource and I'm so glad to have found it.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

There’s a lot to unpack here...

Good for you for taking care of yourself and creating a peaceful refuge. As you’re well aware, you need to be strong and healthy to be your best for your children (and yourself).

That’s s great step forward to not engage in arguments with him. It’s definitely a challenge, since people with BPD are very good at pushing our buttons.

We frequently remind people not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain) as that seems to ramp up BPD behaviors. As much as it would be nice to feel understood, we’ve got to remember that is not always possible with a BPD partner, and definitely impossible when they’re dysregulated.

Can you not personalize the insults? That is a very difficult thing to do. However you know you’re not “a selfish hateful person,” that is him projecting his own self loathing on you.

It doesn’t really matter if he thinks he’s BPD or not. What matters is how he behaves. Just because someone gets a diagnosis doesn’t give them a “get out of jail free” card to behave however they please.

Abuse is not to be tolerated. Period. Full stop.

You can’t control his behavior, but you can control yours. You need options to remove yourself from an environment when he’s behaving abusively. It’s not something to put up with.

You’re right to be concerned about your daughter seeing verbal abuse and becoming “normalized” to it. You can remove yourself from the situation where it’s happening without pointing fingers and casting blame by saying something like, “I’m going to take a break and when I return we can resume this conversation and speak kindly to each other.”

It will take many repetitions to break the cycle of him thinking it’s ok to speak to you with abusive language, but if you respond this way consistently, you can change the pattern.

[alterK]

Are you supposed to go on accepting abuse? No. If you accept it, it will never stop. Any time you make a change in your accustomed responses, though, don't expect your H to say Thank You. You are more likely to get an escalation, or a switch to another abusive/manipulative strategy. For someone like that change is frightening, and he will struggle to regain control of you.

It's nice that he accepts the diagnosis of BPD, but some people with a mental health diagnosis use it as an excuse--a variation on the alcoholic's "The liquor made me do it!"

I'm not a psychologist, but I have a wife with moderate BPD and a step-daughter with severe BPD, so over the years I have been forced to make many observations. I suspect that a huge part of BPD is fear. Not only fear of abandonment, but a kind of floating fear that can attach itself to anything.

I think most of us who have continued in long-term relationships with BPD-ers are sensitive to that all-pervasive fear, and no matter what harm they do us, we don't want to add to their agony. The sad truth is, we can never fix it.

In my case I am trying to learn to deal differently with my W's BPD behavior. I'm hoping that although that may be difficult for her, it will eventually be reassuring, since my acting in accordance with her fear-inspired behavior ultimately reinforces that fear, while if I can alter the cycle she may eventually learn that the world isn't as terrible a place as she often believes. This may be wishful thinking on my part, but I intend to try.

Actually, it sort-of did...once. The last time she became verbally abuse I kept my cool and kept repeating quietly that I wouldn't talk with her while she was treating me that way. Her response was to escalate, calling up one hurtful thing from the past after another. I answered that I felt all she was doing at that point was trying to hurt me. Finally, I went out for a walk, she standing in the doorway yelling at me as I left.

When I came home 20 minutes later she was sitting calmly at her computer, and when I re-introduced the question that had started the explosion, she responded rationally and after a few minutes things were more or less settled. I'm not certain whether my masterful handling of the situation was the cause of this, or whether her improvement was just a phase of the BPD roller coaster, but I am willing to give myself a tentative pat on the back.

I dunno if I can pull this off consistently. This explosion was set off by something relatively minor, and we have much more difficult problems to resolve in the future. Maybe something like this will work for you. Hope it helps!

[jordan_bg]

Thank you both for your replies and understanding. I think (know) what I'm having trouble with is just breaking the habit of making every life decision based on his possible reactions. Example, we are separately but I'm still renting the same house. Its out of my price range and too big for the kids and I. I could downsize (obviously that means that if in the next year we are back living together we would have to eventually get a bigger place, but that's a question for another day) but I worry that if I go for something smaller he will interpret that as "we are never getting back together/i hate you and i'm doing this to hurt you".
So, instead we are just spending over our budget every month. Also, if i move he would most likely need to get an apartment as well because he's staying with his mom and I know he's trying to avoid any major changes at all costs.
I feel like I'm still not able to just make the decision that is best for me right now without torturing myself about how he will feel about it AND wanting to then find solutions and take care of his situation for him. It's been 13 years so it's hard to break those habits.
I definitely hear what both of you (and everyone here!) is saying about not trying to control the other person or their reactions, being consistent, it's just really hard when my brain is always thinking of all the possible outcomes.

[Cat Familiar]

The problem with trying to please a BPD partner, or at the minimum, not “hurting” them, is that no matter what you do, there will be some little detail that you’ve not foreseen, that they will hone in on and suddenly you’ve done a horrible thing.  

Because they have no solid sense of themselves, it’s very difficult to do something to make them feel assured. And often it feels like no good deed goes unpunished.

Since you have children, you’re energy is better spent thinking of what is the best option for them, rather than trying to assuage your husband and fend off any possible bad reaction.

Yes it will take some time to change your habit of trying to coddle him and prevent him from acting out in an unproductive way. And in doing so, you will have to cope with accusations and recriminations. Best to learn to not take these things too personally, but it certainly is difficult when it’s directed at you.

Over time, you’ll find that your self confidence and sense of purpose has strengthened and you are not easily unmoored.

[Ventak]

Hi Jordan,

I can't offer much more advice than what you've already seen... but I can offer experienced based empathy.  Your post is very close to my current situation with my W.  Main difference is that I stayed long enough for the violence to escalate to multiple instances of assault, once while I was holding our 2.5 year old twins.  Our "separation" is court mandated, and contact is not allowed between us until the court is convinced she is taking responsibility for her violence and is moving forward towards accountability.  Having the court involved is both blessing and curse, but it forces me to do what I should have done months ago, but didn't have the strength...

I find myself missing her terribly, wanting to help/comfort her, and leaning towards my old patterns...  I know I have to be stronger than my love for her, because the twins deserve a safe home.  And that "conflict" is devastating.  I have definitely reached the point of knowing that this can never happen again, and that it will be months of her being in therapy before there is any chance of her being "safe" to herself, me or our children.  Taking a "long view" and going weeks without communication has really helped me focus on how dangerous my situation is, and how sick she has become.  Hopefully your current separation is helping you see things from a more realistic lens as it has me.

Just know that you are not alone, that there are many of us here going through the same cycles, and that it is not your fault.  As others have said... you and your children should be your highest priority.  For me, that is excruciating, having been her caregiver for over 10 years.. but it is critical to accept and understand.

[jordan_bg]

Thank you for your advice and empathy. Yes, it's true that no amount of "reassurance" can really convince them or change things and doing what is best for me and for my children is obviously the best bet. It's also so true that not falling into our same patterns is so so hard.
Today we had a "talk" after which he told me (by text, not raging) that separation wasn't possible for him and either we all move back in together (including my 20 yo BPD stepson) or he will divorce me.
I haven't replied. Knowing how quickly his moods cans cycle its hard to know what to say. Tomorrow he could tell me of course he wasn't serious... I also don't want him to feel like I'm completely disregarding his feelings. A rock and a hard place (as usual!).
For me moving back in together right now is not an option because I know that I don't have the strength to respond lovingly and hold on to my bondaries. Even separated boundaries are a huge issue (he can't respect them and i struggle and feel guilty all the time) and I know that living together I am too tuned in and sensitive to his moods. I still have so much I need to work through on my own, the biggest part being ACCEPTANCE and also letting go of my resentment...I'm far from ready to be a partner and an emtional support to him and I have my kids who need me as well.
I hate that he's putting me in this position.

[Ventak]

There are a couple of books you might find helpful if you haven't read them yet:
Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist
Walking on Eggshells

And I encourage you to take a "break" if you feel you can.  A few weeks might be good, but even a few days.  Be kind, let him know you are doing it, and take responsibility for it ("I'm in a bad place and just need to isolate myself from the world for a while").  Then block him on your phone, and don't look at emails...  For me it was like the air had been heavy and a weight on my shoulders that all cleared and lifted within 24 hours.  I can't even describe the feeling.  Then I really became aware of all the horrid things I have been excusing, and their negative affect on our children.  I still don't know why I absorbed it for the past 10 years, other than that it slowly got worse and worse until it became overwhelming.  I'm finally reaching the point six weeks later where I understand what my therapist means about setting boundaries, why they are critical, and how they can be used to maintain my personal space and life happiness.

I really hope you work through this, I know how VERY difficult it is.  Feel free to DM if you ever need someone.

[jordan_bg]

Thank you, Ventak.
This morning my husband called and said as I didn't respond to his barrage of messages yesterday he has decided to divorce. He talked "at" me for 30 minutes, I said little to nothing but told him that last night after the messages all day I didn't know what to reply, that I hear that the separation is hard on him and that do not agree that today is the time to decide on divorce.
He was in a very intense emtional state (since yesterday morning actually) and I still don't know if he will go forward with it but he seemed convinced. Unfortunately, we have an appointment this afternoon for our 7 yo daughter with a therapist so I will be seeing him in a couple of hours and of course i have no idea what to expect...
I completely hear what you are saying about things getting worse little by little until suddenly you're overwhelmed. That's how it was for me, too. It started getting steadily worse after the birth of ours son 5 years ago with the highs being not so high and more short lived and the lows being very mow and very frequent. Eventually i just cracked under the pressure. I just asked for some time, but he's so angry with me now for causing all this pain by "choosing" to separate... he would rather divorce and have someone to blame than dela with the discomfort and uncertainty of our current situation. It's not what i wanted but i won't try to change his mind.

[Ventak]

Yes, we are in very similar situations.

I have received 3 messages the past couple months that she had hired a lawyer and I would hear from them within the week... but I still haven't heard from one.  I found years ago that what she says has almost no meaning, only what she does.  So I prepare for everything and respond to what actually is.  It's an odd life.

You may want to get the book "Splitting".  It has very good advice for people married to high conflict individuals that are at or near the point of divorce.  Much of the advice I gleaned from that book was things I was already doing, or advice I received on this forum.  It has helped me get into a position where I can protect the children from the legal system here.

Ours has gotten worse since the birth of the twins as well, 2.5 years now.  I know that stress increases BPD episodes, so that is probably a big factor.  For us, when she would get violent before the kids I would just absorb it and not defend myself in any way.  Twice she has gotten physical when I was holding one of the twins and had to push her back.  This "push" left bruises (she bruises very easily), which has created a narrative for her that I can't control my anger, I'm violent, I hurt her, I'm physically abusive.  My "inability" to "admit" to being abusive is what caused her to break my toe, destroy $5k of personal property and get arrested...  all of which she blames me for even though she admits she blacked out and doesn't remember most of it... It's an odd life ;)

We are here for you.

[Cat Familiar]

How does it get to that point of being overwhelmed by their aberrant behavior?

I like to think of the analogy of the frog in the hot water.

From Wikipedia:
The boiling frog is a fable describing a frog being slowly boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is put suddenly into boiling water, it will jump out, but if the frog is put in tepid water which is then brought to a boil slowly, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of people to react to or be aware of sinister threats that arise gradually rather than suddenly.

While some 19th-century experiments suggested that the underlying premise is true if the heating is sufficiently gradual, according to contemporary biologists the premise is false: a frog that is gradually heated will jump out. By changing location, thermoregulation is a fundamentally necessary survival strategy for frogs and other ectotherms.

I have some unfortunate personal knowlege about frogs and hot water. A frog I named Freddy regularly greeted me when I went to the tea house on my property to feed the cats.

We hadn’t used the hot tub there for some time, so we took the cover off and began heating it up. Though it didn’t get much more than 105 degrees, we found Freddy dead in the water.

Don’t be a Freddy.

[WhatToDo47]

The problem with trying to please a BPD partner, or at the minimum, not “hurting” them, is that no matter what you do, there will be some little detail that you’ve not foreseen, that they will hone in on and suddenly you’ve done a horrible thing.  

Because they have no solid sense of themselves, it’s very difficult to do something to make them feel assured. And often it feels like no good deed goes unpunished.

Beautifully said

[Tuxedo Cat]

The problem with trying to please a BPD partner, or at the minimum, not “hurting” them, is that no matter what you do, there will be some little detail that you’ve not foreseen, that they will hone in on and suddenly you’ve done a horrible thing.  

Because they have no solid sense of themselves, it’s very difficult to do something to make them feel assured. And often it feels like no good deed goes unpunished.

Since you have children, you’re energy is better spent thinking of what is the best option for them, rather than trying to assuage your husband and fend off any possible bad reaction.

Yes it will take some time to change your habit of trying to coddle him and prevent him from acting out in an unproductive way. And in doing so, you will have to cope with accusations and recriminations. Best to learn to not take these things too personally, but it certainly is difficult when it’s directed at you.

Over time, you’ll find that your self confidence and sense of purpose has strengthened and you are not easily unmoored.

This here is so true.  It is a source of amazement for me continually in this space how similar our experiences are, even down to words said.  I remember my husband’s birthday this year.  I spend two weeks ordering gifts, asking him what he wanted to do (nothing, he’d be working, he never gets a good birthday, on and on).  I didn’t wish him a happy birthday first thing, and *BOOM* I’m the most horrible person ever and should beg forgiveness.  At the time, I scrambled to find a way to “fix” it. 

I’ve been separated since June, my husband initiated with LOTS of drama, suicide threats, etc.. With therapy and the books mentioned here (haven’t gotten to Splitting yet), my sense of self and purpose has definitely strengthened.  I still have moments of uncertainty and grief.  However, similar to what you mentioned about your experience, my house is quiet and peaceful.

[WhatToDo47]

I agree, so mind blowing  how even the words can be exactly the same. I had the same birthday struggles every year, same words even. Helps so much to see the stories on here and realize that a disordered mind should not be the foundation of our sense of reality.