Early red flags you ignored?

[Sappho11]

What were some of the initial "red flags" which you missed/chose to ignore at the time? Odd, inexplicable situations, or early hints at BPD?

Would greatly appreciate your stories and wisdom. (Easier to avoid another relationship dumpster fire if you know what you're looking out for.) --

My exBPD was my piano student (we're the same age) for two years before we started dating. He was the only student with whom I'd ever had proper arguments during a lesson. It started early, the first time we butted heads was in the second lesson. I remember thinking how odd it was how a minor correction (for which he was paying me, no less!) could escalate in this manner. At the time I thought he was either a quarrelsome character, or perhaps merely stressed.

Once, after another minor difference, he told me he would have to find a different piano teacher. I wasn't happy but told him that was fine by me. It was shortly before Christmas and my mind was elsewhere, anyway. Barely a week later, he asked for one more lesson, and turned up at my rehearsal space, arms full of gifts, champagne, chocolates, being deeply apologetic, asking me to take him back as a student. I was flattered and pegged his exuberance to his emotional personality.

At that time I had no idea that this was probably the first mini-recycle.

[grumpydonut]

- Turning up at places she'd know I   would be, despite me never inviting her.  

- Turning up to my house  at 8am when I didn't respond to her text from 12am the night before (abandonment fear).

- Wanting me to go clubbing with her in her small hometown so she could "show [me] off and prove to everyone that they were wrong". I didn't know her friends, they didn't know of me, and I wasn't from her country. This was insight into her burned bridges (dichotomous thinking).

- Getting angry at me for wanting to have her drop me home when she agreed to pick me up from a night out and drop me home (rejection sensitivity).

- Writing me 50 (yes, 50) letters and giving them to me all at the same time about her love for me (idealization).

- The fact I referred to her as "Disney Princess" right from the beginning our time together, due to her ridiculous fantasy-like view of love (idealization).

- Immediately sleeping with someone else - and crying mid-way through it - when she thought I was ending our friends-with-benefits relationship (abandonment fear / impulsivity).

- Continual and increasing snipes at my masculinity because I didn't want to dominate and control her (devaluation, and dependency).

[brighter future]

There were many red flags in the relationship with my uBPD ex-g/f of nearly two years. I chose to ignore them for the majority of the relationship because she said things like "This is not the person that I want to be" and that I was the "man of her dreams" along with many others.

1. She slept with 7 guys in a period of two years before she met her ex-husband. One of those 7 guys was the father of her now teenage child. This guy never had anything to do with her daughter.
2. She was married to her ex-husband for over 9 years and had left him and went back to him and handful of times only to leave for good in the Spring of 2018.
3. Soon after leaving her husband and before filing for divorce, she hooked up with an old high school friend who is the identical twin brother to her high school boyfriend. Their relationship immediately turned sexual. He was an alcoholic and had no job or car. She admitted to me that this relationship was unhealthy and meant nothing to her.
4. We knew each other for 20+ years, but we started talking regularly. I knew she was separated, but I didn't know she was fooling around with the friend from high school until about a month before we'd started talking and just before our relationship turned serious. She stated that she broke things off but said he kept texting and calling her even though she said that she was involved with me.
5. Also admitted to me that when she was fooling around with the high school friend, she was sexting with another former classmate from school. Supposedly her ex-husband saw these text messages shortly after they separated and even caught her texting him even while they were still living together. There were also two other men she was talking to during that period of time, and she admitted that all 4 men including the one she was sleeping with all wanted sex. She said that she did not want to live like that and wanted to set a good example for her kids.
6. Told me that she's used people for sex in most of her past relationships "For temporary comfort" but admitted that she usually felt terrible about it later. Also stated to me that when she was intimate with me it was because she loved me, and that she "wanted to keep things like that so our relationship doesn't become like all of the others."
7. Had a severe drinking problem in hear early 20's before she got pregnant.
8. Had attended 6 colleges/universities over many years while amassing massive tuition debt that she'll probably never be able to pay off. To this day, she still has no degree to show for it.
9. She's had multiple jobs and has said that she has difficulty getting along with co-workers and that a lot of her supervisors "didn't like her."
10. Early on in our relationship, she told me that she didn't want my family "to get their hopes up about me (her)" when I told her that they liked her "because when people really get to know me, they end up not liking me and they leave me."
11. About 2.5 months into our relationship, she sent me an email telling me that she was falling in love with me and that spending time with me and being and close to me "was like an addiction for me (her)."
12. After an argument about her changing goals, opinions, and values frequently I told her that I'd just like some consistency in our relationship. Her reply was, "I'm not consistent, nor do I want to be. I want to grow and change every day."  This was the ever moving goal post, and it literally drove me crazy and made me anxious. I did not know if I was coming or going in the relationship.
13. Both of her children have severe emotional issues just like she does. She would take ownership of this at times and say they are this way because of me. Other days she'd say they were fine and blame something or someone else for the kid's issues.
14. She always had financial issues and just worked odd jobs for people as a source of income.
15. I got her a temporary work from home type job through my place of employment. She did well for 5 months but then her hours started to fall off. My employer asked me to speak with her about her lack of hours stating that her work quality was still good but just not enough quantity. Her reply was that she'd "try harder but just didn't have the mental energy to do more right now."
16. I was ghosted several times over the course of our relationship. Sometimes I'd rarely hear from her or see her for a handful of days at a time. Her reply was usually similar to the one about her lack of work through my employer. It was usually "I don't have the emotional/mental energy to go get together or talk right now."
17. She told me several times, "You put so much more into this relationship than I do. I feel bad." When she discarded me because I wouldn't get engaged right when she wanted to (because she wouldn't address her emotional issues) she told me that I "dragged her down" and that I "didn't do enough" for her.
18. Frequently told me "please don't ever leave me. I'm terrified that one day your just going to get tired of my craziness and just leave one day." Told me 1-2 months before the breakup that she "would never give up" on me and said "please don't give up on me."  
19. Early on in our relationship (maybe 6 months in) she told me that there was a side to her that was "hard to explain." I should have been listening really close when she told me this.  She said, "I love you so much and want so much to be with you. But, there's this side of me. It's a side that wants to just step in and mess it all up. I am terrified that one day I'm going to just shut down and do that to you and our relationship and that you won't be able to bring me back." She did just that in April 2020 when I wouldn't get engaged to her. She was back with that drunk high school  friend (two weeks after discarding me) that she had the affair with after she left her ex-husband. They are still together but I started hearing from her again about 5 months after our breakup (text, social media, and in person visits). She's also walked into my yard twice over the last two weeks (her parents live next door to me and she visits them regularly). It was awkward, but I remained very matter of fact with her so she doesn't get the wrong idea. Odd thing is, I looked at her when we spoke. However she would never make eye contact with me either time. Same for the time that she walked over last November.
20. In the last six months of our relationship, I ended up loaning her money on occasion to pay rent, etc. She did pay this money back, but I loaned (and gifted some)  money to her because she was short  for groceries, gas, and other expenses. I never saw any repayment for that. I ended up paying our way for the biggest portion of our dates, vacations, and outings. She paid for very little of that but covered some of the expenses on our two out of state vacations.
21. Told mutual friends after our breakup that I was a "great guy" but "nearly two years was too long to date and not be engaged." Also told these same friends that I "wasn't a risk taker" (she's highly impulsive). When they asked why she hooked up with her rebound guy again so quickly after me, she stated that she did it "because I don't want to be alone and miserable." At least she didn't trash me to our friends and her family and say that I was an abuser, however, it probably would have happened if we would have married and or lived together. To this day, our mutual friends say that she still gets on social media from time to time to say how her ex-husband abused her emotionally and physically and that she's thankful to be safe and out of that relationship. Apparently, she hasn't moved on from that relationship either even though it's been a little over 3 years.

I'm just trying to avoid another dumpster fire like this in the future just like you said. I certainly can't handle another relationship like this. Probably the best thing I did was cut off all contact with her a month after the breakup. No contact with her really helped me see what was wrong with this relationship after I'd stepped away from it. It gave me a completely different perspective. However, I will admit to missing her terribly, but I now believe that I was spared a lot more pain by not marrying her. I even had a family member of hers tell me in secrecy, "I know you loved her. I love her as well, but until she gets herself some help, this is going to keep happening to her over and over again in her relationships. She's taken advantage of me and has treated me poorly, too. Some days I never know how she's going to treat me when I see her.  She would have made your life a living hell if you would have married her."  

I wish you well on your journey.

[Red22]

- Continual and increasing snipes at my masculinity because I didn't want to dominate and control her (devaluation, and dependency).

I understand how this is devaluation, but how does it connect to dependency?
I have the same problem and need to figure it out.

[grumpydonut]

She wanted to be "controlled" because that's how she understood attachment. She expected me to make all the decisions, tell her what to wear, dominate her in bed. I wasn't comfortable with that, and so I tried to teach her how to make decisions for herself. She didn't like that.  

Quite ironic, as later I was made to feel like I was oppressive.

[Red22]

She wanted to be "controlled" because that's how she understood attachment. She expected me to make all the decisions, tell her what to wear, dominate her in bed. I wasn't comfortable with that, and so I tried to teach her how to make decisions for herself. She didn't like that.  

Quite ironic, as later I was made to feel like I was oppressive.

Got it.
Thank you.

[grumpydonut]

There used to be a poster on this forum who delved more deeply into this sort of phenomena.

I believe the hypothesis was that BPD people want super close attachment, but are also really prone to feeling engulfed.

So if you saw these behaviours in your relationship, it's likely that your partner saw control as love, but then felt engulfed by it. You can't win as a partner, because they have conflicting desires that are everchanging.

[Vincenta]

Now in hindsight, yes there were many signs that I overlooked. But I was in love. He even told me that he have had (!) some ‘ mental problems in his early twenties -I thought, ok - so long time ago, everyone can have mental problems, how nice that he admitted that...and when I met him, he was almost 50 yrs old, successful in business, seemingly loving father of two ( troublesome) kids...

Sappho, I would like to know why exactly you are asking this?


Warmly

Vincenta 

[Vincenta]

Hi again Sappho,

Just to clarify my question:
Do you want to learn about red flags in general?

Or do you want to ponder why in your relationship you did not see them immediately?
I understood that your relationship was very intensive, but short ( altogether 8 months? Am I right?). If so, it is a quite short time to know anyone really
. Definitely not a sign of a monogamous ‘ red- sign’ looser!

[Couper]

Had to think about this one a bit.  That was a while ago.  One night before we were married we were in her room discussing beliefs. I can't remember the specifics of it, but I stated some belief of mine (nothing anyone would consider outlandish, nothing extreme) and like a switch flipped, she got very condescending and belittling, dumped all over whatever my belief was, and went off on this tangent about how when she was a kid her parents pursued several different off-the-wall narratives (beliefs, conspiracies, etc.) and that she just wouldn't have it.  She wanted a normal life.  At the time I thought the "wouldn't have it" part was reassuring to differentiate herself from her parents and I tried to convey that to her, which was just met with more arrogance.  I was so put off by it that I told her I wouldn't be talked down to that way and that I was going home, picked up my stuff, and left.  I remember on the ride home thinking that getting blindsided by her over-the-top response to something that seemed like a nothing-issue was wrong and considered dumping her.  She went into damage control mode to get me back and, wanting to see the best in a situation, I believed whatever it was that she cooked up as an explanation.

What I didn't realize is I should have defaulted to the safe assumption that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.  Both she and her parents are way out in left field, but after my response she made a concerted effort not to raise any of that stuff again until after we were married.  Today, what I believe about that incident is that whatever conventional belief I stated ran counter to one of her extreme beliefs and rather than debate me on an equal footing, she projected on to me as a defensive measure.  All the things she was belting out at me were really an acknowledgement of her own kookery.  

  

[IntoTheWind]

We had an argument and we resolved it and 'bounced back' as she liked to call it.

Her: "Wow, I'm so impressed with us, look at this glow up"
Me: "What do you mean?"
Her: "Well, normally after an argument like that, it's over"

[Sappho11]

Hi again Sappho,

Just to clarify my question:
Do you want to learn about red flags in general?

Or do you want to ponder why in your relationship you did not see them immediately?
I understood that your relationship was very intensive, but short ( altogether 8 months? Am I right?). If so, it is a quite short time to know anyone really
. Definitely not a sign of a monogamous ‘ red- sign’ looser!

Thank you for the food for thought, Vincenta. I suppose I'm just trying to avoid running head-first into a wall again.

My ex and I knew one another for two years before we got together, so I thought I knew him (or else I would never have jumped into a relationship with him so fast). I fell in love with the intensifying highlight reel he had presented to me for two years, thinking that this was grounded in his actual character. In short, I was very naive and I'm only now getting around to the fact that I probably fell in love with a facade, his tailor-made personality just for me, which in reality likely never existed.

So I'm looking for a pattern in other people's stories to avoid a reprise of the same debacle.

[Duped_312]

The more I acknowledge the red flags the angrier I get at myself for not seeing them. It is something I’m working on — this self forgiveness thing. But…

1) financial problems: within a few weeks of talking/flirting/couple dates, he asked to borrow $400 for a truck payment. This was close to 7 years ago now at this point and I actually no longer remember if I gave it to him. But I remember being like RED FLAG…. And then promptly did absolutely nothing about it

2) was living essentially nowhere. He’d left his wife and two children Bc he wasn’t in love w her, and never was, as she got pregnant when they were both very young and he tried to do the right thing, but in the end he had to leave. He was very upset to leave the children and I think a part of that haunted him forever and triggered a lot of additional issues. He “moved in” with me only like a month in but there was really was no move in, he just sort of slept over and never left. There was no furniture or bedding or even really many clothes. He literally had nothing.

3) he had a giant seizure one night like two months in. I didn’t know what the mother f*ck was going on. I knew it was a eizure but like wtf. He was super out of it afterwards he ended up cracking a bunch of teeth and had to get a bridge and spent days w like no teeth and  I’m telling you I did stayed and helped and did nothing about any of this. But I was beginning to feel like I was regretting things about now. And this was only a few months in.  He really did a number on me right away. He didn’t even try to hide it.

4) After many more months of truck payments upwards of $700-$800 each, that he wouldn’t pay snd then the truck would get remotely shut off, costing him his job as he asked them to front him money, his truck finally got repossessed Bc we both said just let them effing take it. He saw the truck as bad luck. He never took care of it. Never an oil change, always something wrong. He was incredibly irresponsible with things and possessions. He eventually got some POS car that he got taken for and ended up crashing it

5) we couldn’t get an apt of him. His credit non existent and whatever was there was torpedoed. I found out his previous house w the wife was foreclosed bc they stopped making payments. Destroyed his credit and that will never ever go away. I knew we were effed forever bc of that. And then the truck payments, and credit cards he’d gotten. Everything defaulted or not paid. I got us our first apartment together together, and paid every dollar of rent for a year. I worked 12 hours a day, paid for all groceries made all meals. I did nothing about any of this.

6) if you can believe it we actually started talking about kids. I was excited to try and thought I was really moving onto a milestone in life. I didn’t get pregnant right away and he questioned me. It only been two months of trying and he suggested that if it doesn’t work again I should go get looked at. We got pregnant right after that and I was so happy everyone was ecstatic my parents had no idea how bad things were how much I was allowing to go on. I just sort of made the decision that from this point is just so everything for myself in case we ever didn’t work out. I already was anyway. Our little son ended up being born very early and critically ill.

7) he wanted to take me away. I always wanted to move away from NY, so I wouldn’t say he took me away against my will but I say it to me he wanted to isolate me. He saw how close my parents were w me, he was beginning to get vibes from my father that he couldn’t jive w or live up to, so the best thing to do was take a pregnant me and run off to start a new life. His jobs were dead ends, I knew I’d be hired immediately as a teacher. So we made the decision to move to FL. I was excited and got a job before even moving there. I was pregnant and we gave away just about everything we owned, packed my Subaru and drove down.

8) as I mentioned our son was born early. At some point in NY right before we left I had a test done and the day we got to FL they called to say that the test didn’t go well and that the baby may have a chromosomal disorder. He was gutted. He couldn’t focu he couldn’t accept it he made insensitive remarks he did not consider how the pregnant woman might be reeeling from the possibility. He only cares about what he felt and making me feel guilty for not ending the pregnancy if the test ends up being right. I felt very very very alone.

9) when we moved to FL, the first week we were there I was running around like a crazy person getting the house right (that I worked really effing hard to get us), and he tells me that since the very beginning he’s been addicted to pain pills. And that he is deciding to stop cold turkey and that for the next 2 weeks he will be incapacitated as he withdraws. That was my big welcome package. I was gutted. So while he sat upstairs in a bedroom by himself for two weeks, I ran around working, getting him a leased car, for which I would pay for the next three years including the insurance, going to dr appointments and hoping the baby was ok. I would generally say that his stopping the pain medication really made him worse in a lot of ways. I understand why he took it.

10) he worked at a little job and seemed to like it but it was a dead end. Like always. He never paid for the house for rent or any utilities no matter how many lists or spreadsheets I came up with that he greed to. He somehow applied for a credit card and got it and within 6 months defaulted on it and it’s no another bad grade on his credit report. Every single thing that happened in NY was happening here. I was beginning to realize that there was no new life. There was never going to be.

11) he tried to buy weed and was so intent on it he put himself in really shady situations in FL ‘hoods we had no business being in, dragging me along, pregnant. He had no regard for me.

12) I worked easily 12-14 hours 5 days a week on my feet teaching profoundly autistic and disabled children. Lifting children into wheelchairs, toileting, being hit, making everything from scratch. While cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping and paying for everything. Somehow I did nothing about any of this.

13) my son was born early. And while he did not have chromosomal disorder the test had picked on something Bc he was gravely ill and had many unidentifiable features of something that no one could put their finger on. He was extremely sick. We spent the next 9 months in various children’s hospitals in FL. I quit my job. He worked a few days here and there but it was fairly useless. He would guilt me for staying at the hospital or going too frequently. Eventually we had to move it another city in FL. He would drive up and down while I lived with my son in the hospital or in hospital housing. He would drive down on the weekends and we’d just drink snd binge and smoke 60 million cigarettes to get through it all. All the whole he guilted me for coming back late or staying to late or whatever else. He thought it was a f*cling vacation. He wanted sex all the time, it was just horrible. I really wanted him to just stop coming down each weekend. It also turned out that during this time he was texting a family friend asking for money every week. He’d go to the local bar place and sit and have food and drink beers, while I was witnessing our son code, or studying NIH reports on certain illnesses or stuff the doctors talked about. We had very different experiences during this tragic time. He was anything but the supportive husband. My parents will never forgive him letting me down so badly.

14) our son passed away when he was 9 months old after a very complex battle with several overlapping conditions. In the end chemotherapy did him in. He died w both of us there. And my ex sobbed for the first time I’d ever see him emote anything even remotely human. But it was short lived. He was rushing us out of the hospital within hours of our sons death. Normally the child life team tries to make things nice, they bath the baby, dress them in a favorite outfit and give the family time to grieve and offer them resources. He wanted nothing to do with it. Kept going outside to smoke. All the nurses knew he was sh*t and some I still talk to to this day snd they e never forgotten how rushed me out of there. I regret every moment.

15) honestly there are so many more red flags… we were together 6.5 years and probably every 6 months or so there at least one more red flag or the continuation of previous flags still waving high and bright. We went on to have to two more children. They are the lights of my life. I miss my first son terribly. I’ve never received any kind of therapy for any of this.

The last year w covid took a very weak foundation and sandblasted it. Everything fell apart so quickly. Everything from the last 6 years just all fell onto the table. The jig was up. Everyone knew now. The veil had been lifted off my eyes. I woke up from my 7 year stupor. He is now off living in a rented room in a strangers house. He is still very sick. He is supposedly on Prozac. But I see no improvement. He doesn’t believe he has BPD and his dumb family doesn’t either despite them being the reasons he is the way he is. There is tremendous backstory. Which is probably why I stayed— I felt bad for him. I knew he had nothing w me. Absolutely nothing. I was in too deep.

Within a week of the relationship ending due to a cataclysmic cascade of destruction, that ultimately the universe put in motion in order to save me, a had a great little house rented for myself and the kids. All of my friends have never even acknowledged what I’ve been through since it happened. No one checks up on me. I have my loving parents who feel so guilty for not protecting me all those years for not seeing it for not sensing it. They make most decisions for me now. I am not strong enough to do it right now and I can’t be trusted.  It’s all done lovingly I’m not mad about any of it they are my saviors and I’m lucky to have parents like them. He did not and his mother is one of those people you just want to go away.
Since then we have texted but not seen each other. He manipulates me continuously and if anything has gotten worse. Now there is nothing to euphemize his condition anymore. So instead of an a*shole in a nice guy’s blanket, the blanket is gone. He is terrible. He will have moments of clarity but generally they’re not real. Everything he says or does is a manipulation and/or entirely self serving. He does not see the children as I will not allow it yet. He was supposed to be giving me money for them but he ghosts for weeks at a time. This month was particularly hard for me financially and I really needed his part. And he bailed.

I truly wish I never had to communicate with him again. No one in his family will help me out they call it “getting in the middle” and refuse to relay messages or come to my defense to him ever. I’m forced to deal with him and it is extremely traumatizing snd triggering and I hate him and he ruins my entire day. My brain is processing a LOT of stuff I let slide for so long that I am getting hit w massive amounts of resentment and anger. He brings me to such a low level. I turn verbally abusive towards him and just spit hot fire. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say I say I don’t care what it is. Bc I know he doesn’t care either. So it’s not for him, it’s for me.

Not seeing the red flags …. Well… I saw them… so I’ll say “disregarding” the flags, “excusing” the flags…. It’s very dangerous and very important to recognize. Simply seeing or kissing the flags is one thing, but it’s how you handle them that matters. He stole so much from me. Time, money, emotions, stress, love, trust, kindness.  I hate myself so much for being so stupid. I’ll eventually get to the place and forgiveness but for now it is still very fresh and very raw. This idea of red flags is still very much something I’m dealing with realizing. Even writing this made me remember things I hadn’t yet.
If you’re ever unsure of something just ask a sane person if it’s a red flag. If it is, keep it moving.

Sorry so long but your question triggered a self-therapy moment for me and I had to just get it all out. 

[LovelyRita50]

TONS of red flags! I was taken advantage of because I tend to believe the best of people and take them at their word.

She was constantly in financial crisis - bills in collections, running out of money before her next pay period - despite making high five figures (when employed). She'd blow her paycheck on clothes and tech, then want loans from me.

Always seemed to bounce from crisis to crisis.

Black-and-white thinking - people were amazing or the most terrible people ever.

Wanting to see and talk to me ALL THE TIME, to the point that me going into another room to read or nap would induce separation anxiety.

Sending me constant texts about some crisis or other when I was in classes for my masters program.

Seeking my validation and approval for every small decision she made or idea she had.

A seeming inability to improve her own mental health. Put off seeking a therapist or following up with resources because of "social anxiety" or "no energy."

Responded to my attempts at problem solving and setting boundaries either with 1) anger, accusing me of attacking or triggering her, or 2) a self-loathing spiral, "I am awful, you should leave me, I wish I were dead," from which I would have to rescue her.

Had dozens of ideas for starting businesses and becoming financially independent. Responded to any questions about the feasibility of such ventures by claiming I was "invalidating her" or "destroying her dreams."

Got involved in new relationships very quickly (we're poly). Would proclaim undying love within weeks and be absolutely gutted when short-term relationships ended.

[Turkish]

We were "friend-dating." I took her away for a weekend to the mountains to stay with my friends. We slept in separate rooms. Later, she told me that she told her friends where she was going and contact info which I thought was smart.

On the drive up, my glasses fogged. I held them in front of the heater. She told me that she liked that I was confidant and sure of myself that I would do that in front of her (?).

Later, apropos of nothing, she kind of looked into the distance and said, "with me, you'll get both heaven and hell..."  

In the end, I judged it as Purgatory.

The young guy she left me for got both heaven and hell.

Yet our great kids are that, and despite much drama, it was worth it.

That being said, I sometimes think how it would be if I had chose differently at key junction points... but life is as it is. The day is the day. The world is the world. No one is going to rescue us.

Make your own application.

[Sluggo]

The large Red flag was when her brother told me after I confided with him about my intention to marry her was...  'I love.my sister but don't marry her.  There is something wrong with her and she gets really mad and goes crazy.' 

After I filed for divorce 18 yrs later, I told him I still recalled our conversation and so did he
 
A 2nd red flag was a letter that I worte.my sister and which she kept, where I told her that we fought a lot while we were dating.  I reread it after divorcing her.

3rd flag, on my honeymoon we spent 2-3 days in silence with her raging silence at me.  I just remember sitting on the bed in hotel by myself crying.  I was not really sure what I did or how to fix the issue

  There were other red flags also.

Sluggo

[Red22]

Right after we got married, her mum said to me, "I hope you like fighting".

[Sappho11]

3rd flag, on my honeymoon we spent 2-3 days in silence with her raging silence at me.  I just remember sitting on the bed in hotel by myself crying.  I was not really sure what I did or how to fix the issue

That is such an infinitely sad picture! Sorry you had to go through this  

The large Red flag was when her brother told me after I confided with him about my intention to marry her was...  'I love.my sister but don't marry her.  There is something wrong with her and she gets really mad and goes crazy.'  

Right after we got married, her mum said to me, "I hope you like fighting".

Thank you, making a mental note of: "When family members warn you about your partner, believe them."

[Turkish]

When I asked for her hand, her parents sat me down to list her faults. She warned me ahead of time and that it was typical in Mexican culture. They all emigrated to the US. The only thing that really jumped out at me was when her father said, "it's good because you can handle her." What, like a horse? It turned out that I finally couldn't. In retrospect, a partner shouldn't need to "handle" another.

[once removed]

In retrospect, a partner shouldn't need to "handle" another.

before we got together, my ex told me i couldnt handle her 

[grumpydonut]

@once

Yep, me too.

[Cromwell]

Its interesting because this was her complaint to me 'I can't handle you'

I didn't know what to make of it. Now i take it as a compliment.

[brighter future]

before we got together, my ex told me i couldnt handle her 

That jogged my memory about something my ex said to me within the first few months of the relationship, which was: "Are you sure you want in on all of my crazy?"    I think I was more concerned about all of the non-stop affection, compliments, and wonderful sex that she was giving me at the time.

[Sappho11]

My ex didn't tell me he was crazy, but he used the more "acceptable" masculine variant:

"I'm not good for you."

I thought it was a matter of low self-esteem and tried to encourage him, build him up. Few weeks later his tenor changed to:

"We're not good for each other."

And finally:

"At the moment we're only harming each other."

[grumpydonut]

It's great with hindsight, but I am surprised how easily I believed that her change from "normal" to constantly depressed and negative was simply due to the loss of a pet. Now I know, it was the real her.

[Ventak]

After dating about 4 weeks she asked me to promise her I would "be in love with her forever".  That was probably a red flag in and of itself, but when the best I could do was promise that I would "love her forever" and she had a two day rage... that should have foretold the next 10 years...