The little things that are annoying :)

[johnsang]

Now that I've just recently learned about BPD, I am way more empathetic to my husband - but I'm noticing the little things that are just so annoying

Like, when I was talking to him this morning at the dining room table, and he just looks away - mid-conversation - turns his head away.  Am I boring you? I assume this is some sort of punishment or rage for a discussion we were in 2 days ago (where I stool my ground about calling out his intense, inappropriate reaction in a family conversation with our children) but this gets really, really, really annoying - these micro aggressions on a mostly daily basis. And it is a little crazy making - because it is just turning of a head - but when this behavior happens to me day in, day out - I feel very invalidated and then start to question what is wrong with me? Why am I so sensitive?  Why do I always feel so aggrieved - but it's because he is rude!  And so the cycle of crazy making continues.

I guess the other thing I've been experiencing with this new understanding of BPD is grief - feeling sorry for myself that this is the man I chose.  Feeling jealous of other friends who don't have to deal with partners with such tricky personalities. Although I don't want to leave him, I feel sad for myself at the road I've travelled (what a road) and on some level, the road ahead.  I feel like I have to be the emotionally intelligent superhero to make this relationship work, and I wish this wasn't the case.

Anyway, just venting.  Can anyone else relate to these feelings?  And what about the micro-aggressions?  Is this part of BPD, or just my husband being a jerk.

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[Couper]

Anyway, just venting.  Can anyone else relate to these feelings?  And what about the micro-aggressions?  Is this part of BPD, or just my husband being a jerk.

Oh mercy, yes.  I've experienced precisely what you described as well as other similar instances.  "Micro-aggressions" is a good word for it.  Perhaps they are even "passive-micro-aggressions", if there is such a thing.

I can't tell you how many times we have taken the kids somewhere and she'll get one unbuckled and take off while I'm still working on the other one and then I'm either forced to catch up to her or we wind up getting separated.  As if the big episodes aren't bad enough, having all these little ones sprinkled in-between is exhausting.

As to whether or not it's part of the disorder or jerkiness, I am not qualified to say, but it seems to be a common denominator.  I still have trouble wrapping my head around this seemingly double-standard of how they behave vs. what we are supposed to tolerate.  I totally understand the basis of your grief / jealousy / regret and am sorry that I do not have a solution for that.  Except to say that it has opened my eyes to a world that previously I didn't know existed and has caused me to extend patience and compassion to others, because you never know what any one individual is subject in the privacy of their own home, I'm still trying to sort through all of the same things that you are.  I'm sure someone more experienced in this will come along with a better answer.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s difficult to discern what is BPD and what is being a jerk, but the outcome for the receiver of these *microaggressions* (that word says so much ) is the same.

My husband will occasionally pick up his iPad or look at the newspaper when I’m talking to him. It’s unlikely due to any lingering feelings from a recent disagreement, since we seldom have those anymore.

I find it really disrespectful and if I’m mindful enough, I’ll immediately quit talking. Then he will quickly return his gaze with a fleeting expression of embarrassment.

I think that for people with BPD that their minds are tracking on numerous other pathways so it can be difficult to exclusively focus on what their partners are saying.

My husband is high functioning but it seems like there’s always an undercurrent of shame, self doubt, insecurity, anger, victimhood, blame, or something else that’s running through his head. Consequently he has to distract himself through having the TV, radio, or stereo on, while being on the computer or reading a book, and needing to have lots of visual stimuli; he has art, pictures, and photos all over the walls of his studio—more than he can display at once, so he rotates it.

I’m more of a one-track thinker. I focus on one thing and then I shift my awareness. I like blank space on some of the walls in the house and silence so I can listen to the sounds of nature.

Obviously our minds work very differently and what is comfortable for me is not for him.

[johnsang]

I can't tell you how many times we have taken the kids somewhere and she'll get one unbuckled and take off while I'm still working on the other one and then I'm either forced to catch up to her or we wind up getting separated.  As if the big episodes aren't bad enough, having all these little ones sprinkled in-between is exhausting

I literally laughed out-loud when I read this, because this has happened to me so many times - he literally will just walk away and not wait for me/us - even if we are walking the dog or something - or he will sit in the car while we are all still in the house - it's so unsocial!  It's like my husband hasn't been taught the social niceties and needs to be reminded that when you are on a walk together, you stay together - or you say goodbye when you leave the house - for example.  With my husband, however, it is always a loud, silent way of letting me know how angry/hurt he is. The only bother is... he is always angry, so these things happen all.the.time.

Just annoying.

Anyway, hang in there too, and it is so nice knowing that other people are here to support us.

[johnsang]

My husband will occasionally pick up his iPad or look at the newspaper when I’m talking to him. It’s unlikely due to any lingering feelings from a recent disagreement, since we seldom have those anymore.

I find it really disrespectful and if I’m mindful enough, I’ll immediately quit talking. Then he will quickly return his gaze with a fleeting expression of embarrassment.

I think this is an excellent point - if I literally just stopped talking this morning when he turned away from me, he would understand how he is impacting me.  I'm not sure how well that would have gone over, but it definitely gives me boundaries for not tolerating this unsocial behavior. It would definitely change the dynamic - it calls the behavior out.

And my husband also has tracking issues and difficulty focusing on one topic.  From the reading I've done, lots of people get misdiagnosed with bipolar instead of BPD, but my husband, I believe, has been misdiagnosed with ADHD and it has been the "reason" for many of these behaviors - the impulsiveness, not being able to track.  Maybe he has both, but it is interesting to hear that your husband has the same thing.  

[Couper]

I literally laughed out-loud when I read this, because this has happened to me so many times - he literally will just walk away and not wait for me/us - even if we are walking the dog or something - or he will sit in the car while we are all still in the house - it's so unsocial!  It's like my husband hasn't been taught the social niceties and needs to be reminded that when you are on a walk together, you stay together - or you say goodbye when you leave the house - for example.  With my husband, however, it is always a loud, silent way of letting me know how angry/hurt he is. The only bother is... he is always angry, so these things happen all.the.time.

Just annoying.

Anyway, hang in there too, and it is so nice knowing that other people are here to support us.

There's no making this stuff up, right?  Glad it got a laugh because when you get past the point that you can't laugh anymore, all seems lost.  It's eerie how they all behave the same, like they all subscribe to the same newsletter or something.

There's a whole list of actions like this that are hard for civil people to digest, like holding the door for the person behind you instead of dropping it in their face.  The list goes on-and-on.  The worst part is that it comes across as intentional, or if you say anything later you get told that it didn't happen.  I have actually said to her "wait up" and she'll take off faster.  It's hard to see that as not being intentional.

Another thing is many times I will get asked how to do something (something that I know how to do and she doesn't) and as soon as I produce an answer, I'm told all the reasons I am wrong.  I used to get baited into no-win situations like that and in no time flat I'd find myself defending something that I was just asked how to do.  Now I'll just say something like, "It sounds like you already knew the answer before you asked.  I learned something new today" and just walk away.  It sucks to have to be that way with someone that is supposed to be your "partner".  None of this is what any of us signed up for.