Set a boundary, it went okay I guess

[Depression = 72% of members]

As I had been discussing in an earlier post, I have been struggling with setting, and more importantly, sticking to boundaries.  My pwBPD and I live in separate houses. I have my kids at my house 5 days on, 5 days off, so the 5 days off I am expected to stay at my partners house, which is fine.

The issue is that during the five days when I have my kids, the expectation is that I am still with my partner 3 or more times a day, running back and forth, while still trying to maintain my house, give attention to my kids, and take care of myself a bit. This has been going on for five years, and it is exhausting. I have tried to ask if maybe one or two nights a week I could have evenings at my house to run errands, or take care of things, or just feel like I am not running around all the time. It has always been met with the idea that if we don't se each other every day, the relationship will fall apart. My pwBPD also thinks that if I am at my house it is because I want to spend time with my kids and not her.

So, today I finally resolved to say and stay firm that I wasn't coming over at night. We had already been together for an hour before work at the gym, and went to a yoga class in the evening. I had already told her clearly before that I wanted Monday and Tuesday nights to just stay at home and rest, but she asked when I was coming over to hang out.

I said very calmly that I needed a night of rest. I tried very hard to follow the suggestions from earlier posts to just state the boundary and don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

It is so hard because she got so angry right away. I mean, I had made time for her multiple times that day, but she accuses me of wanting to make time for my kids and not her. She tells me, "Fine, but then you are never to see or speak to your kids on my days."  it doesn't matter that in five years there has been only one occasion where I have seen the kids when it is my "partner's Days".  It doesn't matter that I made time to be with my partner several times, all that seems to matter is she thinks I am choosing someone else over her this time.

It is all very frustrating. It is like I am always having to prove my dedication, but it is never enough. If I do one thing for myself or someone else, all I have done for her is forgotten and I have to make up for doing something for myself or someone else.

On a positive note, I did defend myself a little, but held pretty silent while she went off. Venting here because I knew venting there would be pointless. My partner hasn't spent all evening texting me, and telling me to come over, and so on. Just one text saying, "Are we going to the gym tomorrow?" I am going to take that as a win.

[Dad50]

As I had been discussing in an earlier post, I have been struggling with setting, and more importantly, sticking to boundaries.  My pwBPD and I live in separate houses. I have my kids at my house 5 days on, 5 days off, so the 5 days off I am expected to stay at my partners house, which is fine.

The issue is that during the five days when I have my kids, the expectation is that I am still with my partner 3 or more times a day, running back and forth, while still trying to maintain my house, give attention to my kids, and take care of myself a bit. This has been going on for five years, and it is exhausting. I have tried to ask if maybe one or two nights a week I could have evenings at my house to run errands, or take care of things, or just feel like I am not running around all the time. It has always been met with the idea that if we don't se each other every day, the relationship will fall apart. My pwBPD also thinks that if I am at my house it is because I want to spend time with my kids and not her.

So, today I finally resolved to say and stay firm that I wasn't coming over at night. We had already been together for an hour before work at the gym, and went to a yoga class in the evening. I had already told her clearly before that I wanted Monday and Tuesday nights to just stay at home and rest, but she asked when I was coming over to hang out.

I said very calmly that I needed a night of rest. I tried very hard to follow the suggestions from earlier posts to just state the boundary and don't Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain.

It is so hard because she got so angry right away. I mean, I had made time for her multiple times that day, but she accuses me of wanting to make time for my kids and not her. She tells me, "Fine, but then you are never to see or speak to your kids on my days."  it doesn't matter that in five years there has been only one occasion where I have seen the kids when it is my "partner's Days".  It doesn't matter that I made time to be with my partner several times, all that seems to matter is she thinks I am choosing someone else over her this time.

It is all very frustrating. It is like I am always having to prove my dedication, but it is never enough. If I do one thing for myself or someone else, all I have done for her is forgotten and I have to make up for doing something for myself or someone else.

On a positive note, I did defend myself a little, but held pretty silent while she went off. Venting here because I knew venting there would be pointless. My partner hasn't spent all evening texting me, and telling me to come over, and so on. Just one text saying, "Are we going to the gym tomorrow?" I am going to take that as a win.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[I Am Redeemed]

Congratulations on setting this boundary! You did something you need for yourself, and you didn't jade (mostly). Very courageous taking this step.

Her reaction was an extinction burst. It's to be expected in the face of a boundary. You did very well.