Doubting my own sanity

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

I'm glad I have found this website. I'm sorry for the long story, I really need to get this off my chest.
Excuse my English.

4 years ago I met my (now again ex-) partner (27, M). The relationship started rather passionate but was turbulent from the beginning. He used a lot of drugs during parties and our first fight was about me being naive and not realizing it was such a problem, me getting angry and him leaving me. Fair enough, he actually showed rather early that this was who he was. (My ex-partner had a rough childhood and an abusive father. He never really spoke about this, he coped in unhealthy ways.) I moved on and after a month or two he came back. This became a habit. During our break-ups, he partied, took drugs, and saw other girls. To be honest, I went on dates myself to deal with it, especially because he always made very clear that he thought I was awful and didn't want to see me anymore.

I wasn't the most confident person myself and I kept taking him back. Often he came back when he broke with one of his new friends or with his family. When they made mistakes he would ignore them for a couple of weeks/months as well. His plans and intentions always changed. After weeks of boozing and drugs, he acted like the perfect boyfriend and I was the love of his life and he would never drink or do drugs again.  After hearing this story a lot of times I acted suspiciously and he blamed me for being not supportive and not wanting him to better himself. He totally changed his life every few months. This must have been exhausting for him, but I didn't know how to deal with this either.

I started making more and more mistakes myself, I started becoming very insecure and asked for reassurance at moments I should have not been asking for reassurance. I can understand this wasn't always pleasant to deal with. The thing is when it came to his actions, he told me I was dramatic and that I wasn't able to bear anything. I asked him to understand I needed time to find my trust again and each time I acted insecure he sort of 'punished' me, by using a silent treatment or going home. After a lot of breakups, I started to react more and more hysterical and clingy.

At a specific moment he told me to go to a psychiatrist to deal with my insecurity because else he didn't want to continue the relationship. I went and spoke only about my insecurity and I had to take sertraline. The thing is, I did become a bit calmer and I wasn't bothered by his actions that much anymore, but this only proved that his short temper was still there. Where he first had my insecurity to complain about, he now found other reasons to be irritated. Before I knew it, a month after I started my medication to be a better partner, he had left me again.

Last year when he broke up again, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I felt addicted, I still feel addicted. I told him to get help, I send an e-mail where I described all the symptoms that were not okay. First, he got angry because 'who was I to diagnose him?' (although he did ask me to look for help first). Eventually, he did go to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder. He was told to stop drinking and to stop taking drugs immediately and started medication.

I did make an awful mistake before our last break-up. I am ashamed of it. When we were back together and he was taking his meds (for a month), his mother was diagnosed with cancer (for the second time). He didn't want to talk to me about it and before he had always made clear that I would never be able to understand him, that I didn't realize how good my life was. I get this.
But, since he love-bombed me sometimes and then devaluated me other times I felt myself panicking. I knew he was going to leave me again, and actually, I could understand it this time. But because he told me he could only talk to his sister and his mother about this, that they were the only ones that could understand this, I acted intimidated by their relationship. And I feel so ashamed. But after 4 years of dealing with this, I just wanted to be more than what appeared to be a regular f*ckbuddy. I totally hate my reaction and he got very angry. After this, he finally took me to meet his mother and his sister for the first time in four years (before they were still living with his abusive father), his mother was very excited to finally meet me and this made me feel involved and I was very excited to get to know them better.

After the weekend he broke up with me, he said he didn't love me anymore (nothing new), he didn't want me by his side and he said he just waited until I left for work, because else I would get hysterical again (since the last break-ups I did get hysterical). I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, because I did act insecure again during the weekend. It was not the time to ask for reassurance when his mother is ill, but the thing is in these 4 years, it was never the time.

It is about his mother, a relationship isn't a priority now, I totally get this. But, after 4 years I hoped he would have been finally able to open up to me. When he was angry at his mother or didn't contact his sister for a long time, I was the one who told him to contact them. So I don't get why I had to say this weird, irrational thing now. I feel bad for pushing, for not understanding that in that same weekend he did have sex with me and he told me he loved me during that.

I feel like a very bad person for making this about me, while his mother is ill, while he had a rough childhood. And I don't know who I am anymore. Whether I made him this way, because of my mistakes or whether I made these mistakes because of the relationship. I want to contact him, but this is selfish as well, I feel so much shame.

His bounderies should be respected. I need to move on myself. But I don't know how to do it. I feel so much guilt for the mistakes I made.

The thing is that I started doubting whether I have BPD as well, or whether this relationship made me clingy. I read that people with BPD are afraid of abandonment, but I don't know whether I have this fear because of this relationship or whether I am troubled myself. He appeared to be the one that was able to even leave his own family at times. So, this confuses me. When he had to take personality tests for work he scored extremely low on the empathy level (this might be because of his trauma), but still, he was always shaming me for making things all about me. I work as a teacher, I love helping people and I have rather close steady friendships, but I started to feel like an imposter. Maybe I show my true form in my relationship, and everywhere else I just play a role? Because he told me I am understanding to everyone one else, but not to him. But isn't the fact that I gave him this many chances a sign that I did try to act understanding towards him, even though I failed miserably? 

Did some of you start doubting your own sanity as well after a while?
Thanks for reading this.

[Sas_1991]

Hello everyone,

I'm glad I have found this website. I'm sorry for the long story, I really need to get this off my chest.
Excuse my English.

4 years ago I met my (now again ex-) partner (27, M). The relationship started rather passionate but was turbulent from the beginning. He used a lot of drugs during parties and our first fight was about me being naive and not realizing it was such a problem, me getting angry and him leaving me. Fair enough, he actually showed rather early that this was who he was. (My ex-partner had a rough childhood and an abusive father. He never really spoke about this, he coped in unhealthy ways.) I moved on and after a month or two he came back. This became a habit. During our break-ups, he partied, took drugs, and saw other girls. To be honest, I went on dates myself to deal with it, especially because he always made very clear that he thought I was awful and didn't want to see me anymore.

I wasn't the most confident person myself and I kept taking him back. Often he came back when he broke with one of his new friends or with his family. When they made mistakes he would ignore them for a couple of weeks/months as well. His plans and intentions always changed. After weeks of boozing and drugs, he acted like the perfect boyfriend and I was the love of his life and he would never drink or do drugs again.  After hearing this story a lot of times I acted suspiciously and he blamed me for being not supportive and not wanting him to better himself. He totally changed his life every few months. This must have been exhausting for him, but I didn't know how to deal with this either.

I started making more and more mistakes myself, I started becoming very insecure and asked for reassurance at moments I should have not been asking for reassurance. I can understand this wasn't always pleasant to deal with. The thing is when it came to his actions, he told me I was dramatic and that I wasn't able to bear anything. I asked him to understand I needed time to find my trust again and each time I acted insecure he sort of 'punished' me, by using a silent treatment or going home. After a lot of breakups, I started to react more and more hysterical and clingy.

At a specific moment he told me to go to a psychiatrist to deal with my insecurity because else he didn't want to continue the relationship. I went and spoke only about my insecurity and I had to take sertraline. The thing is, I did become a bit calmer and I wasn't bothered by his actions that much anymore, but this only proved that his short temper was still there. Where he first had my insecurity to complain about, he now found other reasons to be irritated. Before I knew it, a month after I started my medication to be a better partner, he had left me again.

Last year when he broke up again, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I felt addicted, I still feel addicted. I told him to get help, I send an e-mail where I described all the symptoms that were not okay. First, he got angry because 'who was I to diagnose him?' (although he did ask me to look for help first). Eventually, he did go to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with BPD and bipolar disorder. He was told to stop drinking and to stop taking drugs immediately and started medication.

I did make an awful mistake before our last break-up. I am ashamed of it. When we were back together and he was taking his meds (for a month), his mother was diagnosed with cancer (for the second time). He didn't want to talk to me about it and before he had always made clear that I would never be able to understand him, that I didn't realize how good my life was. I get this.
But, since he love-bombed me sometimes and then devaluated me other times I felt myself panicking. I knew he was going to leave me again, and actually, I could understand it this time. But because he told me he could only talk to his sister and his mother about this, that they were the only ones that could understand this, I acted intimidated by their relationship. And I feel so ashamed. But after 4 years of dealing with this, I just wanted to be more than what appeared to be a regular f*ckbuddy. I totally hate my reaction and he got very angry. After this, he finally took me to meet his mother and his sister for the first time in four years (before they were still living with his abusive father), his mother was very excited to finally meet me and this made me feel involved and I was very excited to get to know them better.

After the weekend he broke up with me, he said he didn't love me anymore (nothing new), he didn't want me by his side and he said he just waited until I left for work, because else I would get hysterical again (since the last break-ups I did get hysterical). I feel guilty, I feel ashamed, because I did act insecure again during the weekend. It was not the time to ask for reassurance when his mother is ill, but the thing is in these 4 years, it was never the time.

It is about his mother, a relationship isn't a priority now, I totally get this. But, after 4 years I hoped he would have been finally able to open up to me. When he was angry at his mother or didn't contact his sister for a long time, I was the one who told him to contact them. So I don't get why I had to say this weird, irrational thing now. I feel bad for pushing, for not understanding that in that same weekend he did have sex with me and he told me he loved me during that.

I feel like a very bad person for making this about me, while his mother is ill, while he had a rough childhood. And I don't know who I am anymore. Whether I made him this way, because of my mistakes or whether I made these mistakes because of the relationship. I want to contact him, but this is selfish as well, I feel so much shame.

His bounderies should be respected. I need to move on myself. But I don't know how to do it. I feel so much guilt for the mistakes I made.

The thing is that I started doubting whether I have BPD as well, or whether this relationship made me clingy. I read that people with BPD are afraid of abandonment, but I don't know whether I have this fear because of this relationship or whether I am troubled myself. He appeared to be the one that was able to even leave his own family at times. So, this confuses me. When he had to take personality tests for work he scored extremely low on the empathy level (this might be because of his trauma), but still, he was always shaming me for making things all about me. I work as a teacher, I love helping people and I have rather close steady friendships, but I started to feel like an imposter. Maybe I show my true form in my relationship, and everywhere else I just play a role? Because he told me I am understanding to everyone one else, but not to him. But isn't the fact that I gave him this many chances a sign that I did try to act understanding towards him, even though I failed miserably? 

Did some of you start doubting your own sanity as well after a while?
Thanks for reading this.

[Sappho11]

Hi there  

"I started making more and more mistakes myself, I started becoming very insecure and asked for reassurance at moments I should have not been asking for reassurance. I can understand this wasn't always pleasant to deal with. The thing is when it came to his actions, he told me I was dramatic and that I wasn't able to bear anything. I asked him to understand I needed time to find my trust again and each time I acted insecure he sort of 'punished' me, by using a silent treatment or going home. After a lot of breakups, I started to react more and more hysterical and clingy."

I'm in the same boat. It's as if you were describing my recent relationship (we broke up three weeks ago), down to the very word (my ex told me to get a therapist, too). Please don't be so hard on yourself: When you were asking for reassurance, you weren't being clingy, you were just trying to find your footing with someone who was inherently unstable. In a normal relationship, this wouldn't have been a problem. It might be a small consolation but no matter what you would have done, it wouldn't have ended differently. Everyone on this forum will attest to this. The onus is not entirely on you.

As for the feeling of going crazy, there's a slang term for this: "BPD fleas". As in, when you're with someone who has fleas, you're bound to catch them, too. A BPD sufferer's distortion of reality can take a heavy toll on a non-affected person's psyche. It can undermine the mental stability of the stablest of people.

My ex made me feel as if I was crazy and dramatic whenever I uttered a simple need (even something as small as asking he send me a text how he's doing). He constantly accused me of "hurting" him even in the most benign of conversations, even when I was trying to encourage him. It's not you, it's them, splitting and projecting their own shortcomings onto you.

If you have close, stable friendships, are able to take criticism without taking it personally, and feel like you generally have a grip on your life (such as honouring your job and other commitments), it's rather unlikely that you have BPD.

[Sappho11]

Also I'd like to stress that you didn't fail. You just fell victim to the "ever-moving goal post", and the giant hole in BPD's hearts which no-one can fill. Nothing you could have done would ever have been enough, unless your ex had consented to work on himself, which obviously didn't happen. (Admitting responsibility for their own shortcomings is nigh impossible to the BPD sufferer.)

From your essay it sounds as if you did all that you could and more. Your needs are valid, and having them doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a human being. A healthy partner will accept these needs and tend to them if possible. A BPD sufferer never will -- at least not out of compassion.

[Sas_1991]

Hi there  

"I started making more and more mistakes myself, I started becoming very insecure and asked for reassurance at moments I should have not been asking for reassurance. I can understand this wasn't always pleasant to deal with. The thing is when it came to his actions, he told me I was dramatic and that I wasn't able to bear anything. I asked him to understand I needed time to find my trust again and each time I acted insecure he sort of 'punished' me, by using a silent treatment or going home. After a lot of breakups, I started to react more and more hysterical and clingy."

I'm in the same boat. It's as if you were describing my recent relationship (we broke up three weeks ago), down to the very word (my ex told me to get a therapist, too). Please don't be so hard on yourself: When you were asking for reassurance, you weren't being clingy, you were just trying to find your footing with someone who was inherently unstable. In a normal relationship, this wouldn't have been a problem. It might be a small consolation but no matter what you would have done, it wouldn't have ended differently. Everyone on this forum will attest to this. The onus is not entirely on you.

As for the feeling of going crazy, there's a slang term for this: "BPD fleas". As in, when you're with someone who has fleas, you're bound to catch them, too. A BPD sufferer's distortion of reality can take a heavy toll on a non-affected person's psyche. It can undermine the mental stability of the stablest of people.

My ex made me feel as if I was crazy and dramatic whenever I uttered a simple need (even something as small as asking he send me a text how he's doing). He constantly accused me of "hurting" him even in the most benign of conversations, even when I was trying to encourage him. It's not you, it's them, splitting and projecting their own shortcomings onto you.

If you have close, stable friendships, are able to take criticism without taking it personally, and feel like you generally have a grip on your life (such as honouring your job and other commitments), it's rather unlikely that you have BPD.

Thank you for your response. I am sorry you had to deal with this type of situation yourself. How are you coping at the moment? How long were you guys together? Do you have a good support system?

I was raised by very good parents, a dad who taught me about self-reflection and owning up your mistakes (their heart broke each time they heard we were back together) and it appears that I still can't rationalize the fact that this disorder makes my ex not able to do this all the time. So, each time he leaves while blaiming me, I tend to believe him. Even now, when I am typing this I am wondering whether I am giving you an honest representation of the facts.

Especially because there will always be something going on in his life, so he will always have an "excuse" to tell me I am acting selfish or that my feelings are not legitimate.

[Sappho11]

Thank you for your response. I am sorry you had to deal with this type of situation yourself. How are you coping at the moment? How long were you guys together? Do you have a good support system?

Thank you for asking, I'm doing all right all things considered. We knew each other for two years and then were together for eight months.

My support system is small but thankfully very reliable, I have a best friend who is like a little brother to me. He always claims to be socially inept, but funnily enough he recognised and profoundly understood most of the pathological patterns in my BPDex long before I even took note of them. He was my tether to reality during all this time. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be in a mental ward now.

You write you have close relationships, did these help you, too? Or did you find it difficult to raise the topic with friends?

I was raised by very good parents, a dad who taught me about self-reflection and owning up your mistakes (their heart broke each time they heard we were back together) and it appears that I still can't rationalize the fact that this disorder makes my ex not able to do this all the time. So, each time he leaves while blaiming me, I tend to believe him. Even now, when I am typing this I am wondering whether I am giving you an honest representation of the facts.

The second-guessing gets better after a while of healing, thankfully. It makes me happy to hear that you have loving parents! That's a real blessing.

Especially because there will always be something going on in his life, so he will always have an "excuse" to tell me I am acting selfish or that my feelings are not legitimate.

Yes! This. My ex broke up with me after four months, saying that I was taking up too much of his time, and that he needed time in order to get his life back on track. He tearfully returned after two weeks because no-one else wanted to be around him. I took him back with open arms and resolved to give him space, which he alternatingly clamoured for and resented. Guess what, after another four months he told me "I still haven't got my life back on track despite all the space... so it must be your fault". It's impossible to follow that kind of twisted logic. You're damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

[Sas_1991]

You write you have close relationships, did these help you, too? Or did you find it difficult to raise the topic with friends?

After a lot of breakups, I did start to get isolated and I started lying to my friends and family about it. Not really lying, but I just didn't tell that we got back together because I actually knew it was not going to last. The dangerous thing is that it made me feel more connected to him since he was the only one who knew about the relationship. It made me very dependent since the person causing my emotional problems was also the only person I could go to to deal with these problems. This made me question my sanity even more.

The last time my parents discovered it by accident and my mother just exploded, she sent a lot of nasty text messages, but this was because she was soo angry and sad. And the weird thing is, suddenly he was there for me. He said my mother acted very mean, it was not okay of her to call me these names (even though he f*cked me over so many times himself). So again, while now there was a distance between me and my parents, I felt more connected to him. Dangerous stuff actually.

My support system is small but thankfully very reliable, I have a best friend who is like a little brother to me. He always claims to be socially inept, but funnily enough he recognised and profoundly understood most of the pathological patterns in my BPDex long before I even took note of them. He was my tether to reality during all this time. If it weren't for him, I'd probably be in a mental ward now.

One good friend is all you need. Indeed, he doesn't serve himself enough justice by saying he is socially inept. It's good to have someone who keeps you connected to reality. How did this friend react when you gave your ex a second chance? Do you think that the fact that you have a small support system made you more open to giving your ex a second chance? What is your profession if I may ask? You sound like a caring person.

I will always be the annoying one to my ex, since I am one of the only ones that kept telling him something is wrong in the way he acts. His mother was in an abusive relationship herself for 20 years. All of his friendships were based on recreational drug use/partying. I am the one who reminds him of the fact that he did a lot of messed-up stuff. He will not reason rationally that I want to help him, he sees me as an annoyance. And I get this, it is terrible to be with a person who constantly names your behaviour. As long as he keeps changing relationships and moving forward, he doesn't have to change, since no one will know him good enough to know that there is a problem.

The thing is, he did a lot of good stuff too. He helped his mother financially when she left her husband. He helped his sister. And each time he came back to me, he was a gentleman as well. This makes me feel guilty. I always think 'but a person who does this and this, can't be all that bad', maybe I am high maintenance, especially because I have severe ADHD, so I always think I am too much. But then my parents tell me that in a good relationship a person will do this good stuff as well and not just at certain times.

[Sappho11]

Sorry for the late response, Sas! Hope you still read this.

One good friend is all you need. Indeed, he doesn't serve himself enough justice by saying he is socially inept. It's good to have someone who keeps you connected to reality. How did this friend react when you gave your ex a second chance?

He just drily said, "All right, but not a third time, please".

I can't blame him, I ranted and cried to him about the whole thing for months.

Do you think that the fact that you have a small support system made you more open to giving your ex a second chance?

Definitely. He was 50% of my social network. I do still miss socialising with him. On rainy days, I think to myself "It would be so cosy if M was here to lie on the couch with". On sunny days I think "If M was still around, we could be doing all these amazing outdoor activities together".

It's just not the same when you're alone.

What is your profession if I may ask? You sound like a caring person.

Thank you. Not a carer by profession, I'm a musician and I teach piano on the side.

I will always be the annoying one to my ex, since I am one of the only ones that kept telling him something is wrong in the way he acts. His mother was in an abusive relationship herself for 20 years. All of his friendships were based on recreational drug use/partying. I am the one who reminds him of the fact that he did a lot of messed-up stuff. He will not reason rationally that I want to help him, he sees me as an annoyance. And I get this, it is terrible to be with a person who constantly names your behaviour. As long as he keeps changing relationships and moving forward, he doesn't have to change, since no one will know him good enough to know that there is a problem.

It sounds like you did him a real service, because calling him out is a true act of friendship. Had he been a neurotypical, mature person, he would likely have appreciated you for doing so and inspiring him to become a better person.

Please don't be hard on yourself, you did the right thing. It would have been a lot worse to sacrifice your integrity just to please him (and kudos to you that you didn't, because standing your ground when you're in love isn't easy at all).

Before me, my ex was in a relationship with a woman who tolerated and sanctioned everything he did, including hitting her. In hindsight he regretted wasting eight years of his life, because the two of them did virtually nothing meaningful together in all of those years.

I on the other hand was like you (though not quite as resolute, which I now regret), trying to inspire self-awareness in him in a kind manner. He reciprocated by sabotaging the relationship and keeping a textual list of my faults and flaws on his computer -- despite professing, until the very end, that nobody had ever inspired him so much to become a better person, and that he loved me for it.

No matter what you do, you just cannot win. It's either be yourself and be painted black because he can't live up to you, or lower yourself to his standards and be discarded for being not good enough.

The thing is, he did a lot of good stuff too. He helped his mother financially when she left her husband. He helped his sister. And each time he came back to me, he was a gentleman as well. This makes me feel guilty. I always think 'but a person who does this and this, can't be all that bad', maybe I am high maintenance, especially because I have severe ADHD, so I always think I am too much. But then my parents tell me that in a good relationship a person will do this good stuff as well and not just at certain times.

Your parents are very wise. And they are right. I do relate to the thought cycle of "but every now and again, he did this and that". Only that, whatever he did, probably still is a long way behind what a normal person would put into a relationship.

Also, I'd like to reiterate, you're not high maintenance, you're human. Your needs are valid and from what you have written, your expectations are more than reasonable and justified. We all have our imperfections. You sound like a warm-hearted, smart, lovely woman. There's a lot to love about you, and the right person will love you for everything that you are. 

[EZEarache]

The thing is that I started doubting whether I have BPD as well, or whether this relationship made me clingy. I read that people with BPD are afraid of abandonment, but I don't know whether I have this fear because of this relationship or whether I am troubled myself...

Did some of you start doubting your own sanity as well after a while?
Thanks for reading this.

When I first joined this board, I was seriously questioning whether I had BPD or not, as well. I even went so far as to buy a workbook to try and see. I'm starting to look more into codependency.

My therapist has also reassured me, that even though I may share some of the traits of BPD, it doesn't mean I have the full blown personality disorder.

There's surprisingly a lot of overlay between codependency and borderline, from my initial reviews. I found this list the other day, and was like, wow I can identify with so many of these traits. When I analyze it like this, I'm much closer to codependency than Borderline.

https://coda.org/meeting-materials/patterns-and-characteristics-2011/

If you're genuinely concerned about your potential to be diagnosed as BPD, I would discuss it with your therapist.

Chances are strong, though, because you are even self-aware to ask the question, do I have BPD, that you are really codependent and need to focus on improving these characteristics.