BPD Wife. Infidellity. PTSD. Please help.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A bit of background:
- Married ~6 years.
- Sober from hard drugs 5.5 years (both of us)
- She self medicates with pot
- She is diagnosed with BPD, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression
- She is medicated and we are in various therapy
- We have a 8 year old son part time from my previous relationship
- 5 dogs (not important, but they get a shoutout)
- Eldery father in law living with us for 8 months (DANGER: more below)

Our marriage has been a text book BPD journey. So much to unpack, but I'll give it a try. 12 years ago we met at my work. She was married and in a physically abusive situation. We became freinds quickly, and I encouraged her and her then husband to save the marraige. Directed them to movies, therapy, and talked with them. He was not interested even slightly. Her and I became romantic after a few months, she divorced him, and we fell madly in (BPD/Codependant) love. It was a fairytale from hell.

We were engaged within a year, moved out of state back to my home. After a year of being here we moved in with my best friend. Communal living stress, drinking, then the first infidellity. My best friend and fiance in a drunken painful moment fooled around. Her and I split up, but the feelings we had for eachother never faded. She didn't want to do it, didn't understand why she did. This was pre-diagnosis. We were apart for 5 years, I had a child, she almost died multiple times.

We rekindled our relationship and a drug addiction. After 6 months binge together (super healthy i know..) we had a real disucssion about the future. We finally gave our lives to Christ, decided to get married and sober and 'do it right.' We did that very succesfully (with His grace and help).

Shortly after marriage she ran away out of fear. Back to her ex-husbands (the abuser), and 'her oldest and best friend.'  We fought through that, I moved in there with her and we continued working on sobriety and learning God's will for us. Lot's of battles that first year, but eventually we got our own place, and after about 8 months we decided to move back to my home state to be near my son.

It was a fairy tale all over again. Sobriety, good work, good friends, family was strong, faith was stronger. We lived in that home for 4 years, loved our neighbors (too much it seems, more on this later), and were thriving.

3rd year in her episodes and trauma were getting in the way of her work. Her work was front line ministry at a men's faith based recovery program. The stress was too much and she transitioned to full time stay at home wife/mom. Then life took a lot from us. Within 1 year we had lost her Cousin (27) to an OD. Her uncle, and grandfather.  During this time she got an offical diagnosis (or multiple) and we started to understand a lot more of the picture. It helped having a name for it and learning how to work through it.

We befrieneded her cousins best friend and helped him find sobriety. Moved him from his home city into our house. Loved him so deeply. He was our son...grown man child, but our son. He called us mom and dad. After nearly a year of back and forth with him healing and growing and struggling he was finally ready to get his own place. Signed the lease, had the deposit ready. A night out to celebrate and help recover from a recent breakup turned tragic. At midnight he tried to jump onto a moving train downtown, was pulled under, cut in half and died.

Reeling from the loss of her cousin still (they were very close), and now this. Things were unbearable for her. During this tramatic time she had an emotional affair with a man she had an online relationship with when we were apart. We had some very tough choices, but I decided BPD and stress led her to it. She agreed to never talk to him again and cut ties. It's been mostly successful and in that she has realized how toxic he really was to her. She has contacted him 5-6 times in the last few years, but it's a fleeting message. It still hurts like hell. She still can't fully empethise with my pain.

The last 8 months her 'sickly' father (58) has moved in. We are in the country now, have plenty of room, but it's been suuuuuper stressfull. He has a host of real and precieved medical issues. His behavior sets off her PTSD occasionally, and they can not communicate at all healthily. Iv'e become his caretaker now too. Medicine 3 times daily, cook for him 3 times daily, rag on him for having a filthy room (seriously it's foul and smells).

She had been having an episode, or spiral for several weeks now. I felt it and saw it. She told me recently she had been texting our old neighbor (51) and realized she had daddy issues. He is a friend to our family at this point... I let it slide, but I knew the danger. It wasn't a boy across the country...he was close. He is also her best friends uncle, so always present.

She had expressed that I had been neglecting our date nights a bit (to put mildly). I wasn't, but I understood her needs were increased. I took a few extra days off my busy work schedule to dedicate to her and us. We went fishing, hiking, dinners, naps, intimacy, and lots of laughter. She felt better, felt loved, felt good. She was still struggling with the stress of her father and the ever present sting of everything iv'e laid out above, but we had good days.

Memorial day evening after a very full and romantic day. She wanted to spend some time with her best friend and see the baby. It felt off to me, but i chalked it up to my paranoia. She left, and came back a few hours later. I knew... I couldn't sleep, tried talking to her that night, but she shut down. She hinted at it, but very indirectly. The next morning she admitted it when I confronted her directly. She slept with the old neighbor.

CRUSHED.

She crossed my ONLY boundry for her. After years of healing and rebuilding from the other incidents... now this. She was inconsolable. She didn't plan it, it happened unexpectedly after a chance motercycle ride. The day after she told me she got picked up by a Sheriff on an overpass...ready to jump.

A few days in the behavior health has left her scared and reeling with the reality of her betrayal. She sounded different on the phone... the real her. Hadn't heard that voice in a while. I got some hope back. She is setting up multiple group sessions and therapy apointments. New medications. We are back in a church.

I've been so numb I hadn't proccessed it fully. She was home, i was comforting her. I was disgusted, but also nurturing and loving to her. I didn't lash out, i wasn't angry.. I told her we would work through this, but I had to have my boundries and safe guards. Recently I've been doing it all for the family and have started to have issues of my own. I'm normally the strong one, but now anxiety and insomnia for me. Depression is setting in too.

I don't want our family to end, but I'm drowning here. I made love to her and told her we would work it out. I was numb, but I thought that was true.

Another day passed and now I'm realizing I have serious PTSD from this latest event. I haven't even really felt the reality of it yet. She is in such a fragile state, and I care for her and uplift her despite the emotional toll. Now I had a panic attack for 6 hours last night. Unable to control my heart or thoughts. Thank GOD for teaching her coping skills. Breathing, mindfullness, prayer... I got through it, but felt... idk high almost... it was wierd. Not a good high, just like a drug bender had come to an end.

I love this woman, and I've stayed through it all to honor God. His will is always forgivness, but now I have a biblical and legal out of this marriage. My health is now failing, hers is tennable at best. I need her to lift me up for once, but I don't think that's possible.

I let her know how her actions are her willingly devestating me. I clearly explained what she had done over the years and how it was willingly an attack on me. Her 'best friend.' Her 'perfect husband.' She always says she would never purposfully hurt me...but when I laid it out to her it set in... She does willingly allow me to be hurt over and over. She shut down and deflected after that. (shocking...)

I have no obligation any more, but I'm codependant as all heck. If I tell her to leave she will die. She will go back to an abuser, or drugs, or both. Her dad will be homeless. Her uncle will loose the vehicle I am letting them use. My son will loose the mom he has known since 2. Our dogs... who knows what happens there. I will loose my best friend, and until recently, the only person I trusted besides God. I never thought she would cross that line. Neither did she. She saw the turmoil she caused for years during her first incident. She promised a million times.

This is so messy.

I don't know what to do.

I'm falling apart.

How do I proceed? How can i even make a decision in this mental state? Researching this whole thing, iv'e realized i now have all the symptoms of PTSD.

How can someone with PTSD, anxiety, and trauma help someone with BPD, anxiety, trauma, depression... I was her rock, now I am rubble.

She want's to do the work...of course.
I don't know if I can or should.

I prayed for years for God to let me out of this, but his will..not mine.

I'm absolved from it all now...and I'm unsure i even want to end it. If i let her stay I'm not sure I'll make it out healthy. So many people are hurt if she has to leave. If she stays I'm 100% going to be hurt again.

How do you all deal? Any advice? Just writing it out helps, but I know I'm not the only one in such situations.

[Genome]

A bit of background:
- Married ~6 years.
- Sober from hard drugs 5.5 years (both of us)
- She self medicates with pot
- She is diagnosed with BPD, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression
- She is medicated and we are in various therapy
- We have a 8 year old son part time from my previous relationship
- 5 dogs (not important, but they get a shoutout)
- Eldery father in law living with us for 8 months (DANGER: more below)

Our marriage has been a text book BPD journey. So much to unpack, but I'll give it a try. 12 years ago we met at my work. She was married and in a physically abusive situation. We became freinds quickly, and I encouraged her and her then husband to save the marraige. Directed them to movies, therapy, and talked with them. He was not interested even slightly. Her and I became romantic after a few months, she divorced him, and we fell madly in (BPD/Codependant) love. It was a fairytale from hell.

We were engaged within a year, moved out of state back to my home. After a year of being here we moved in with my best friend. Communal living stress, drinking, then the first infidellity. My best friend and fiance in a drunken painful moment fooled around. Her and I split up, but the feelings we had for eachother never faded. She didn't want to do it, didn't understand why she did. This was pre-diagnosis. We were apart for 5 years, I had a child, she almost died multiple times.

We rekindled our relationship and a drug addiction. After 6 months binge together (super healthy i know..) we had a real disucssion about the future. We finally gave our lives to Christ, decided to get married and sober and 'do it right.' We did that very succesfully (with His grace and help).

Shortly after marriage she ran away out of fear. Back to her ex-husbands (the abuser), and 'her oldest and best friend.'  We fought through that, I moved in there with her and we continued working on sobriety and learning God's will for us. Lot's of battles that first year, but eventually we got our own place, and after about 8 months we decided to move back to my home state to be near my son.

It was a fairy tale all over again. Sobriety, good work, good friends, family was strong, faith was stronger. We lived in that home for 4 years, loved our neighbors (too much it seems, more on this later), and were thriving.

3rd year in her episodes and trauma were getting in the way of her work. Her work was front line ministry at a men's faith based recovery program. The stress was too much and she transitioned to full time stay at home wife/mom. Then life took a lot from us. Within 1 year we had lost her Cousin (27) to an OD. Her uncle, and grandfather.  During this time she got an offical diagnosis (or multiple) and we started to understand a lot more of the picture. It helped having a name for it and learning how to work through it.

We befrieneded her cousins best friend and helped him find sobriety. Moved him from his home city into our house. Loved him so deeply. He was our son...grown man child, but our son. He called us mom and dad. After nearly a year of back and forth with him healing and growing and struggling he was finally ready to get his own place. Signed the lease, had the deposit ready. A night out to celebrate and help recover from a recent breakup turned tragic. At midnight he tried to jump onto a moving train downtown, was pulled under, cut in half and died.

Reeling from the loss of her cousin still (they were very close), and now this. Things were unbearable for her. During this tramatic time she had an emotional affair with a man she had an online relationship with when we were apart. We had some very tough choices, but I decided BPD and stress led her to it. She agreed to never talk to him again and cut ties. It's been mostly successful and in that she has realized how toxic he really was to her. She has contacted him 5-6 times in the last few years, but it's a fleeting message. It still hurts like hell. She still can't fully empethise with my pain.

The last 8 months her 'sickly' father (58) has moved in. We are in the country now, have plenty of room, but it's been suuuuuper stressfull. He has a host of real and precieved medical issues. His behavior sets off her PTSD occasionally, and they can not communicate at all healthily. Iv'e become his caretaker now too. Medicine 3 times daily, cook for him 3 times daily, rag on him for having a filthy room (seriously it's foul and smells).

She had been having an episode, or spiral for several weeks now. I felt it and saw it. She told me recently she had been texting our old neighbor (51) and realized she had daddy issues. He is a friend to our family at this point... I let it slide, but I knew the danger. It wasn't a boy across the country...he was close. He is also her best friends uncle, so always present.

She had expressed that I had been neglecting our date nights a bit (to put mildly). I wasn't, but I understood her needs were increased. I took a few extra days off my busy work schedule to dedicate to her and us. We went fishing, hiking, dinners, naps, intimacy, and lots of laughter. She felt better, felt loved, felt good. She was still struggling with the stress of her father and the ever present sting of everything iv'e laid out above, but we had good days.

Memorial day evening after a very full and romantic day. She wanted to spend some time with her best friend and see the baby. It felt off to me, but i chalked it up to my paranoia. She left, and came back a few hours later. I knew... I couldn't sleep, tried talking to her that night, but she shut down. She hinted at it, but very indirectly. The next morning she admitted it when I confronted her directly. She slept with the old neighbor.

CRUSHED.

She crossed my ONLY boundry for her. After years of healing and rebuilding from the other incidents... now this. She was inconsolable. She didn't plan it, it happened unexpectedly after a chance motercycle ride. The day after she told me she got picked up by a Sheriff on an overpass...ready to jump.

A few days in the behavior health has left her scared and reeling with the reality of her betrayal. She sounded different on the phone... the real her. Hadn't heard that voice in a while. I got some hope back. She is setting up multiple group sessions and therapy apointments. New medications. We are back in a church.

I've been so numb I hadn't proccessed it fully. She was home, i was comforting her. I was disgusted, but also nurturing and loving to her. I didn't lash out, i wasn't angry.. I told her we would work through this, but I had to have my boundries and safe guards. Recently I've been doing it all for the family and have started to have issues of my own. I'm normally the strong one, but now anxiety and insomnia for me. Depression is setting in too.

I don't want our family to end, but I'm drowning here. I made love to her and told her we would work it out. I was numb, but I thought that was true.

Another day passed and now I'm realizing I have serious PTSD from this latest event. I haven't even really felt the reality of it yet. She is in such a fragile state, and I care for her and uplift her despite the emotional toll. Now I had a panic attack for 6 hours last night. Unable to control my heart or thoughts. Thank GOD for teaching her coping skills. Breathing, mindfullness, prayer... I got through it, but felt... idk high almost... it was wierd. Not a good high, just like a drug bender had come to an end.

I love this woman, and I've stayed through it all to honor God. His will is always forgivness, but now I have a biblical and legal out of this marriage. My health is now failing, hers is tennable at best. I need her to lift me up for once, but I don't think that's possible.

I let her know how her actions are her willingly devestating me. I clearly explained what she had done over the years and how it was willingly an attack on me. Her 'best friend.' Her 'perfect husband.' She always says she would never purposfully hurt me...but when I laid it out to her it set in... She does willingly allow me to be hurt over and over. She shut down and deflected after that. (shocking...)

I have no obligation any more, but I'm codependant as all heck. If I tell her to leave she will die. She will go back to an abuser, or drugs, or both. Her dad will be homeless. Her uncle will loose the vehicle I am letting them use. My son will loose the mom he has known since 2. Our dogs... who knows what happens there. I will loose my best friend, and until recently, the only person I trusted besides God. I never thought she would cross that line. Neither did she. She saw the turmoil she caused for years during her first incident. She promised a million times.

This is so messy.

I don't know what to do.

I'm falling apart.

How do I proceed? How can i even make a decision in this mental state? Researching this whole thing, iv'e realized i now have all the symptoms of PTSD.

How can someone with PTSD, anxiety, and trauma help someone with BPD, anxiety, trauma, depression... I was her rock, now I am rubble.

She want's to do the work...of course.
I don't know if I can or should.

I prayed for years for God to let me out of this, but his will..not mine.

I'm absolved from it all now...and I'm unsure i even want to end it. If i let her stay I'm not sure I'll make it out healthy. So many people are hurt if she has to leave. If she stays I'm 100% going to be hurt again.

How do you all deal? Any advice? Just writing it out helps, but I know I'm not the only one in such situations.

[ForeverDad]

It sounds like she will always have issues, based on the past years.  Good that she's willing to access expert help, but still she has her illnesses and weaknesses.  And based on the past that's not likely to change by very much in the future.

So what do you do?  Soon others will chime in and add their thoughts but meanwhile it seems you're seeking help for yourself, as in "What can I do to help myself since I've tried and tried and still get knocked down?"

It is what it is.  It's dysfunctional long term.  No wonder you're at your wit's end, so to speak.  Follow this link to The Bridge.  It's nothing like her bridge incident but yet it can help you gain perspective, that you're not stuck, not powerless, you still have choices even if not easy ones.

[kells76]

Genome, just want to welcome you and let you know that you are seen and heard here. It's uncanny how parts of your story mirror parts of my husband's story (briefly, his kids' mom has many traits of BPD, and she ended up engaged to his best friend 4 months after the divorce was final... that's the short version). So, you're not alone here. We understand the push and pull, the long term destructiveness, the ups and downs, the betrayals and vows to change, the deep hurts, the confusion about staying or leaving, and the double binds.

How to deal?

Writing here is an amazing first step, and you deserve recognition for reaching out for support. Seeing reality for what it is, not what you wish it would be, is excruciating and yet a move in a healthy direction.

It's a long process to untangle our beliefs about ourselves and this other person -- who we are, what they are capable of, "what will happen" if we stay together or split up. No need to rush, here -- take it one step at a time.

And, in terms of how to deal...

What's something you can do today, even for a moment, even if it seems "too small", to take care of YOU? Close your eyes and enjoy 30 seconds of peace, and managed breathing? Smile at your son and tell him you love him? Take a walk outside in nature?

No matter what you decide to do in your relationship, taking care of yourself will be a huge, huge deal. You are worth it.

-kells76

[Genome]

Update:

Soo... She got out of behavior health and came home. I have been cool, calm and 'collected' the whole time. No anger or name calling, no fighting, just real healthy adult conversations and some distasteful humor (my favorite coping mechanism).

I decided to work through it... (foolish)... She has DBT/CBT apointments, new meds, group sessions, a new church... all the right tools.

A glimmer of hope splashed with terrifying fear and searing pain on my part... but I suppose that's not much different than the 5 years we were together.

The last several nights we went out, spent time together. It felt healing.

Tonight we went to the mall. I smiled at a stranger working. She was in a hijab, I try to be nice given the treatment they recieve, especially here in the midwest.

The episode begins...

Here we are a few hours later and she doesn't want to be with me, this whole thing is stupid.

I'm realizing this woman is a cerial cheater and sick as all heck.

I'm not sure this is going to work. I told her it's up to her. If she put in the effort to get better and learn to deal with her issues then we probably could save this life and family.

I don't think she is going to. She already is rationalizing not taking new meds and smoking weed. Everything is so logical and correct to her.

This hurts so bad to pour yourself into someone and recieve 0 empathy or consideration.

I'm drinking a few beers tonight to numb myself. This is dangerous for me, but until I see a medical professional I don't know what to do.

I'm wracked with panic attacks and anxiety, invasive thoughts, hyperarrousal, HORRIBLE daydreams where i loose realization I'm doing it.

A smile at a stranger on a good night at the mall... I'm the enemy despite what she has done...1 week ago.

I explained, but it doesn't mattter. I got home and told her i needed space for a while. She came outside to fight 15 minutes later.

OH... and today we found out her dad (living with us) has been faking ALL of his medical "issues." Essentially conning us and abusing our love. Now I get to deal with that too.

I have $40 in my bank account, nowhere to go... Prayers please, advice if you have it.


THANK YOU  all for the replies. They hurt, but helped. I appreciate it and hope to be in a position to help others in this community soon.

[ForeverDad]

Tonight we went to the mall. I smiled at a stranger working. She was in a hijab, I try to be nice given the treatment they receive, especially here in the midwest.

A smile at a stranger on a good night at the mall... I'm the enemy despite what she has done...1 week ago.

Been there, suffered that.  In my case it was stopping at a red light and an older lady crossed the street.  I'm not kidding, she was jealous of a lady probably as much as twice her age!

OH... and today we found out her dad (living with us) has been faking ALL of his medical "issues." Essentially conning us and abusing our love. Now I get to deal with that too.

Somehow I can't imagine she was entirely in the dark.  For her dad to do that he had to have a history, perhaps she ignored it.  If/when your relationship with her ends, you can end that too, if not before.  After all, they're both adults, they should handle consequences whether they like it or not.

"Identifying controllers, losers, users and abusers" was the theme of articles by a retired clinical psychologist... DrJoeCarver.com.

[LovelyRita50]

From your OP:

"We had some very tough choices, but I decided BPD and stress led her to it."

I recently gained some valuable perspective. BPD can be the cause of things, but it isn't an excuse. My girlfriend's actions still hurt me and my well-being. It sucks that she has BPD, but she is an adult, and it is her responsibility to manage her own mental health. She shouldn't get a get-out-of-jail-free card for harming others because she can make the excuse that she has a mental illness. And I am not her therapist or psychiatrist. It's not my job to help her get better.

Also, actions speak louder than words. My girlfriend also has sworn she would get help. She is supposed to be set up with a new treatment team, including a psychiatrist and therapist at a mental health clinic, but she hasn't done much to follow through. She too wants to stop taking her medication and just smoke more weed. Her promises don't mean much. What matters is whether I see things getting better.

Because your faith is important to you, I also want to offer a perspective on forgiveness. In my view, forgiveness does not mean you have to continue taking the abuse. You can separate from someone, forgive them for what they've already done, but take steps to guard yourself and your own mental and physical health.