Grieving and Missing my BPD ex

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi everyone,

I've been going through a difficult divorce, and this week I was hit by a wave of grief. I really miss my BPD wife.

Intellectually, I know how unhealthy the relationship was. I do. I did the right thing in getting out and getting on with my life. The last time I saw my ex she did a violent thing to me (she broke into my house and stole my dog.)

Yet, knowing all that, despite the help I'm getting from this group, support groups, therapy, family and friends, I miss my wife. It makes no sense. I miss being married. I blame myself for getting angry and kicking her out of the house, which prompted her to break up with me.

I feel like a part of me is missing. She was my first real relationship. We were together from the age of 22 to 30. I hate that I can't reach out just to see how she's doing. (The police advised me not to for my safety, and I don't want to jeopardize my court case.)

How do I cope with these feelings? I'm feeling so much loss and sadness. I miss our life together. We lived on the ocean, and now I'm living alone in a city. I keep ruminating over what I could have done differently. Maybe if I had taken my anger at her to therapy and not kicked her out, maybe if I had pushed harder for her to get treatment when she was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago and refused to accept it, maybe if I had read Stop Walking on Eggshells while I was still in the marriage and learned how to better communicate.

I hate that she is out there somewhere, hating me and believing I am an abuser. It's not fair. I tried to be a good wife. I was loving, I was romantic, I was close with her family, I gave so much of myself. And now it's 3 months later, and I'm alone and my wife blocked my number and told our mutual friends and her family that I'm this awful abuser.

I got used to the cycle of anger and remorse/apologizing. I think I expected that when the pain and anger lessened, she would reach back out. I had such hopes that we could be friends. But I've heard nothing. And it's so painful.

Thanks for listening. Sorry I'm a mess.

[shopgirl26]

Hi everyone,

I've been going through a difficult divorce, and this week I was hit by a wave of grief. I really miss my BPD wife.

Intellectually, I know how unhealthy the relationship was. I do. I did the right thing in getting out and getting on with my life. The last time I saw my ex she did a violent thing to me (she broke into my house and stole my dog.)

Yet, knowing all that, despite the help I'm getting from this group, support groups, therapy, family and friends, I miss my wife. It makes no sense. I miss being married. I blame myself for getting angry and kicking her out of the house, which prompted her to break up with me.

I feel like a part of me is missing. She was my first real relationship. We were together from the age of 22 to 30. I hate that I can't reach out just to see how she's doing. (The police advised me not to for my safety, and I don't want to jeopardize my court case.)

How do I cope with these feelings? I'm feeling so much loss and sadness. I miss our life together. We lived on the ocean, and now I'm living alone in a city. I keep ruminating over what I could have done differently. Maybe if I had taken my anger at her to therapy and not kicked her out, maybe if I had pushed harder for her to get treatment when she was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago and refused to accept it, maybe if I had read Stop Walking on Eggshells while I was still in the marriage and learned how to better communicate.

I hate that she is out there somewhere, hating me and believing I am an abuser. It's not fair. I tried to be a good wife. I was loving, I was romantic, I was close with her family, I gave so much of myself. And now it's 3 months later, and I'm alone and my wife blocked my number and told our mutual friends and her family that I'm this awful abuser.

I got used to the cycle of anger and remorse/apologizing. I think I expected that when the pain and anger lessened, she would reach back out. I had such hopes that we could be friends. But I've heard nothing. And it's so painful.

Thanks for listening. Sorry I'm a mess.

[hammer]

Shopgirl, I am sorry you are feeling such pain. I think most of us can relate. Breakups  are hard and even more so with BPD. None of what we feel is rational, but it is real none the less. The pain is also part of the grieving process. It is normal to question what we could have done different. In the end, would it have made a difference? Who knows, but in the long run, I doubt it.

It takes time to work through it. It sounds like you are doing the right things to help you though the process. It will get better. Keep looking at the strength you have inside you. You are a good person that ended up in a toxic relationship. You did the best you could with what information you had available at the time. Be kind to yourself. You need to be your main focus now. You are the only person that you can heal and you are the only one that can heal yourself.

As hard as it is to hear, being friends, especially right now, is not a good thing. You need time to heal. If you try to stay friends when you are still hurting, it will only hold your healing back. My ex is hurt and somewhat angry with me that I won't be friends. I know it is not healthy for me at this point and maybe never. I have to communicate because of business and it is hard. She is being super nice for the most part. My responses are short, to the point and neutral. I resist the urge to respond to anything else and I won't be negative or combative in any manner. I think it is important to take the high road.

There is a site about relationships and breakups and healing from them that I have found extremely helpful for me. I am not sure about the rules of the forum, so best not to post about it. I will be glad to pass it along to you if you want to message me about it.

Be good to yourself. Feel all of the pain, let it out, let it go and let it fuel your growth. You will get there.

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.” – Mandy Hale