Final Straw (It's Never the Final Straw)

[ThanksForPlaying]

This morning I had a major episode with uBPDgf who is 4 months pregnant.  Here's the quick version of what happened, although I know this board will understand there are many other issues at play here.

I woke up at 8am to take the dogs out.  One of the dogs was wagging her tail, bumping into a table, making a lot of noise, and woke up uBPDgf.  uBPDgf yelled at the dog to get out of the bedroom.  I then also yelled at the dog to get out of the bedroom (echoing uBPDgf to placate her).  I kind of slapped the bed where the dog was.  This was a trigger for uBPDgf.  She was now yelling at me that I had woken her up by slapping the bed, and I must not know how to handle her emotions while pregnant (very true).  She's screaming this very loudly.  I made a comment like "ok, I'm sorry, can we stop yelling? It's too early" ... She immediately escalated that to "I will yell if I want to yell - I'll start breaking s***".  I stayed on the wrong track - JADEing.  I said "please don't start breaking s***... why would you break s***?"... and that quickly devolved into just an absolute rage - screaming, "you'll never be a good father", "I can't be with you if you're going to act like this", "you'll never see this baby"...

So that's the "incident"... It happens so often that I don't even react anymore when she tells me I'll never see my baby after it's born.  I partially know that's not even legally possible, and partially I know it's just one of the things she says during rages.  This time was different.

I left the room to walk the dogs and before I had gone out the door, she told me she'd already called the police.  Hmm... now we're on a whole new level.   Why had she called the police?  Because she doesn't feel safe with me, I'm bigger than her, all the buzzwords that don't paint a good picture for me.  She then messaged my mother and sister to tell them how I'm psychologically abusing her... they are calling me, asking if I'm ok, asking about the police.   uBPDgf sits down calmly to "wait for the police".  I answered a call from my mom.  uBPDgf is listening and asks me to put the call on speakerphone... says she will tell the police that everything is ok ONLY IF I tell my mom that I "need help" and I am "not dealing with her emotions".  She's blackmailing me into telling my family that I am a bad person (my mom totally understands what's going on, although it's still a very scary and weird situation to hear your son on a blackmail phone call).  Again, this is at 9am on a Monday morning - just a bizarre time for this whole thing to happen.  I hang up the call.  uBPDgf continues to describe what she's going to tell the police, and how they probably won't take me to jail, but she will leave and tell them to let me stay at the house.  She just wants this "domestic disturbance" recorded for "next time".

uBPDgf then goes back to lay down in bed.  I'm waiting in the living room for the police.  My family is worried - I'm thinking THEY might even be calling the police at this point after listening to my blackmail phone call.  uBPDgf says she didn't really call the police.

I'm sitting in shock.  My head is buzzing.  I have work meetings in a half hour.  I was on high alert thinking about how to mitigate the risks of going to jail.

uBPDgf gets up from bed and packs a suitcase.  She just can't live with me anymore and that's it.  This is the end of our relationship.  She'll be back in a few days to collect the dogs.  She's going to live with her uBPD/bipolar mother for a few days (of course).  End scene.

I'm now home alone with the dog (she took one dog for emotional support and announced that "your dad has broken up the family" as she walked out the door).  This is a major escalation.  She's now involved my family, so future arguments will likely also involve them.  She's called the police on me once about 6 years ago during one of our first recycles.  But this escalation will likely lead to more police calls (this was a false alarm, but she will now undoubtedly escalate).

The good news is, I'm ok.  I'm in a pretty good spot mentally - I'm happy with my family, my job, my house, supportive friends.  I'm in a stable situation outside of this relationship.  So stable, that I WOULD let her leave and be totally fine with that - except she now is pregnant.  Of course she knows that.

This will be my first child - she has S13 with very limited visitations.  We are still 5 months away from birth, and already (almost) completely finished.  She says this is the "last straw".  I know it won't be - that would be too easy.  This is going to be something I have to deal with for the next 18 years.  I still have so much HOPE for a normal, loving, relationship.  But I understand BPD (as much as that's possible).

At the moment, I'm home by myself just waiting for her to return (this is the trap).  Fast forward a few weeks, months, years ... I'm taking care of the pets, can't leave the house (she might return), can't go on vacation, can't date anyone (she might return).

That's my story for today.  I don't have any specific questions, but welcome any thoughts.  It just helps me to lay it out here and organize my thoughts.  Thanks.

TFP

[formflier]

Ugg...this is hard.

What is status of the home?  Jointly owned?  Leased?

She doesn't sound safe to live with and at first glance I'm glad for your safety that she left. 

Do you think it would be wise to allow her back in the home?  Would it matter what reasons she wants to return?

So...what do you think the next few days look like for you?  Has this ever happened before?


Best,

FF

[ThanksForPlaying]

This apartment is a one year lease that we just started 2 months ago.  We had JUST signed the lease a few days before we found out she is pregnant (we had been trying to get pregnant, so it wasn't a surprise).  The apartment is really nice, plenty of space for a baby (separate nursery), very upscale, penthouse place.  It's not shabby.

However, uBPDgf has a history of creating un-livable situations.  Meaning, she creates so much chaos with the neighbors, and/or landlord, and/or me, that it doesn't matter whether it's a lease/purchased house or apartment, the situation will be untenable in a few months (sometimes years).  In fact, we had been LOOKING for houses to buy (100% in my name) and we made a few offers but eventually settled on a 1 year lease.  I was actually thinking ahead - thinking that I didn't want to get stuck in a purchased house by myself - and sure enough, here I am in an apartment by myself.  This is part of our particular recycle process.  I'm seeing it more clearly now that you prompted me to think about it - thanks FF.

When I met her 8 years ago, I sold the house I owned because she didn't feel comfortable there.  In hindsight, she says that was a great house.  We then lived in a very expensive/nice apartment, which she physically destroyed (cut stuff up with scissors) and we eventually moved out and paid some damage fees.  3 years ago, we looked at houses and I signed a 1-year lease near her S13, only to have her NEVER move into the house.  I lived there happily for a year while dating other people and she only stopped by once.  Toward the end of that lease, she came back around for a recycle.  Another house, conflicts with the neighbors so we moved ("I just can't deal with the neighbors anymore").

None of these, in and of itself, is a glaring red flag.  They ALL have extenuating details, and if I told you each story separately, you might see them as odd but explainable events.  Taken as a whole, this seems much clearer.  We could also add the stories of what happened during the times we were not together, and she was dating other people.  It seems clear that uBPDgf does not feel comfortable no matter where she is living.

In the next few days, she likely will ask me to apologize for my "actions".  She will not be able to articulate what those actions are ("if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you").  She will guilt me into feeling like I forced her to leave ("I can't believe you would kick out your pregnant girlfriend").  She will make me feel like the health of the baby depends solely on my actions ("When we're fighting, the baby can sense it - it's your fault for stressing out the baby").  She will not ASK me to allow her back in - she does not ever ask for anything she "wants" - this is too much commitment for her, and it boxes her in. She can't blame me for her situation if she has asked to move in.  If I INVITE her in, she can always say "I'm only here because you wanted me here".  She will want me to invite her back with open arms, and I probably will do it.  Things will be calm for a few days, weeks, until the next major episode.  The next episode will be even more dangerous, as these things tend to escalate.

I'm considering just starting off now with a lawyer and starting custody proceedings before the baby is even born.  Only because I know this will eventually be required.  At some point soon, she WILL walk out the door with the baby, requiring legal intervention on my part.  She's already essentially done that.

I said to a friend today that I'm very happy outside of this huge dilemma.  Happy with family/friends/job/home ... I just want her to get on board the happy train, and it's not happening.

[formflier]

I do think you should interview several attorneys.

Please start a thread on the legal board.

"Retaining" an attorney and being ready is wise and all of the preparation will help you feel more confident, even if she threatens this that and the other.

Protect yourself and your rights...

Best,

FF

[worriedStepmom]

Do you want to be in this romantic relationship, or are you done?

It might be wise, for your peace of mind, to consider some of the following
1) find out if your state allows single-party consent recordings. If not, find out the penalties.  It might be wise to have your phone always in your pocket and ready to record when she has an episode...because at some point she will stop threatening to call the police and actually do it.

2) Consult a lawyer and find out what the law is regarding paternity in your state.  Some states require an unmarried father to take special steps to be considered a legal parent.  I believe in at least Utah (maybe others?), if the father doesn't do that before birth, the mother can give the baby up for adoption without notifying him.

The L can also give you information on custody and how that would apply to infants.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Thanks Worried

I do have some good legal assistance so that's one thing I have going for me. I have recorded a lot of conversations and phone calls, and some videos. It certainly doesn't guarantee that police or judges will "do the right thing" but it helps. There's so much junk to wade through. Maybe I need to make a "greatest hits" clip of the most obvious rages. But then it will look like I edited with bias. Anyway, yes I can record in my state.

I didn't think about unagreed adoption. My lawyer has suggested that I go ahead and file paperwork now establishing fatherhood so she will be unable to move out of state without approval. I may go ahead and do this, which I'm guessing would cover the adoption scenario. Also, this doesn't preclude us from living together (and in her BPD mind, serving her with papers is probably an act of love). So I will likely do that.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Whether I want to be in the relationship - yes, I still do at the moment.  My list of positives still outweighs the negatives, although I'm re-evaluating after this latest episode.

I'm realizing that the way she makes me feel good about myself is by insulting me and then "loving" me when I "overcome" her insults. Not healthy. For example, instead of her saying "hey, let's go out to dinner on Friday"... She will say "you are such a piece of s*** boyfriend you never take me out to dinner" and then turn down several dinner invitations until I finally ask at exactly the right time and we manage to go to dinner (with drama throughout dinner). This is part of her no-commitment mindset. She won't even answer the question if I say "do you want to go to dinner tonight?" She'll say "I don't know". Only if I make reservations and tell her we are going, will she go along and that way she can always complain and say I made her do it.

I was grocery shopping the other day and she asked for something small like ramen noodles. I said ok, they're only $1 each, how many do you want? "I don't know"... Do you want 5? 10? 20? "I don't know, just GET some!" and rage... Just a complete inability to make any commitment statements on anything, because that makes her responsible for her own ramen noodle supply, and she would much rather complain that I didn't buy enough, or bought too much. This obviously extends to larger issues than groceries but you get the idea.

I've said above that I'm in a place of personal happiness right now, and I would love for her to join in that happiness with this new baby. Her threatening police action and property destruction, and now moving in with her uBPD mother, is not moving the situation toward happiness.

[ForeverDad]

Observations that have been made here many times before:

If it has been threatened or even contemplated before, then - given enough time - it WILL happen.

Having children does not fix problems in a dysfunctional (_PD) person, rather it vastly complicates things in the future especially if the relationship fails.

She has threatened to call the police.  The first time was several years ago.  But now she's pregnant, hormones surging, whatever, but she probably also sees you as in an even more "obligated" relationship as a soon-to-be father.  As though she could make whatever demands and threats with more leverage (I will have you punished) and less consequences (I am a woman, soon-to-be mother and scared victim, they will believe me).

Many here have been there, done that.  In my past, I was the one who called the police and they evidently decided to defuse the "domestic dispute" by carting me off.  Too bad for her my preschooler was sobbing and refused to let go of me and go to his mother.

Short term, you are at risk of her continuing unreasonable behaviors and her posturing as a victim, so you have to decide how to address that risk.

Long term, you will need to be a very involved father for your child's welfare, the fact that she is limited in parenting of her older child may help you to secure more parental responsibility but that will be a long road as your family court may presume things will be different with this child, until demonstrated otherwise.

[ThanksForPlaying]

How do I SET this?

Quick summary: uBPD pregnant girlfriend left yesterday after a brief rage, saying she will never return and I'll never see the baby

Today I started brief text exchange to see what she's doing, if she has any plans to return, etc.

Me: Hi
Her: Hi. What do you want?
Me: Just checking on you.  Miss you.
Her: That's kind of hard to believe considering the way you treated me yesterday and the lack of attention that you normally give me.  I feel a lot better now but I'm still torn and mad at you.  I can't even believe you yesterday.  That was insane.  So I don't want to hear that you miss me.  I want to hear that you are going to try to change.  Because acting like that and then missing me is scary.

Now ... she's not telling me any details about how I "treated her" yesterday.  I don't think she could even pinpoint what I "did".
It's all about how she feels she was treated.  My initial "offense" that I committed was something like "being too noisy when getting dressed in the morning" and 15 minutes later, she "fake" called the police and made me sit in a chair worrying about getting arrested as she raged and threatened violence and left me "forever".  Her "recollection" of the argument is a mirror.  It WAS insane.  Someone DOES need to change.  Acting like that and then flip-flopping feelings quickly IS scary.  I could say the same words back to her, and it would make complete sense.

This is my first thought at a response.
Support: "I want to try to help you feel better about our relationship."
Empathy: "I understand how you can get mad at me when it feels like I'm not giving you attention."
Truth: "We can try to work through things and possibly do some couples counseling."

Truthfully, I haven't had enough time to process what I want my boundaries to be.  I DID reach out to her today, because I'm used to communicating with her daily, and she's carrying my baby.  Maybe it was too soon, I don't know.  I just need to be clear on what I want.  I WANT her to move back in and be happy.  But that's not a realistic scenario.  I WANT her to not pretend to call the police at every small disagreement (or ACTUALLY call the police as she's done in the past).

Assuming my safety is taken care of, and I just want her to move back in and work on things, does anyone have any suggestions on how to respond with SET, without apologizing for things I don't believe I did?

[LovelyRita50]

I am pretty new to SET myself, but I think the "truth" part needs to be worded to put her own responsibility back on her. If you say, "We can work on it," what she may hear is "YOU will work on it," because you're the one with the issues, not her.

I think you should say something like, "You need to decide whether you're going to move back in with me in order to work on our issues." 

She's a grownup. Don't absolve her of the responsibility of her own decisions. How she reacts will tell you a lot about how much she is capable of working on herself. She might feel more comfortable doing a discard & to find someone else who'll take on responsibility for her. Either way, you'll have a better idea where you stand.

[formflier]

I would be careful about "checking on her".  Chasing her and the like.

How long of a silence does it take before she reaches out to you?  Have you ever done that?


Switching gears:   How is researching lawyers going?

Best,

FF

[Ventak]

Something I've read in many threads like this is that it's best to have a discussion with the police now.  Let them know that your uBPDgf has a high conflict personality and has threatened to call the police when she loses her temper.  If they understand that she may be calling it can help mitigate things in your favor.  I've also read that it is best not to give a diagnosis to authorities unless they have been professionally derived, thus the phrase "high conflict" and not "mental illness" or "BPD".

Hope it all goes well.  Glad you reached out to the attorney.

[ForeverDad]

Speak to a responsible officer in the local police station.  Be sure to ask how you can reach him in case they are called because odds are the officers who respond may have no clue about your proactive warnings.