Shocking final discard - seeking support through detachment

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My ex bf (untreated BPD according to T) and I have gone through two discards, one after 1.5yrs (2month separation) and one after 7months.  I should state that I have been in active therapy for 10+years for cPTSD.  After the first discard, I knew that there were red flags.  And I also knew my accountability in it (co-dependency).  It was something that I actively addressed with my therapist and have continued to work on.  I went no contact during our separation, and even still got sucked back in during the second love bombing phase - the proclamations that I was his person, that he was just hurt because of previous trauma, that he was depressed and stressed about work but that I would always be enough, etc. And I know that so many of you have been there.  I *needed* to believe him because the alternative hurt so much.  “See!  I was wrong!  He IS my person and he’s just struggling - and if I just put in enough boundaries, and show him patient love, then it will work out as it should!  I wasn’t deceived after all!”  The heartbreak is so deep.

When the pandemic hit, he completely disappeared on me.  All this talk of making him my world - and then he literally becomes my world, and he’s no where to be found.  He went five weeks, listening to me literally beg for human interaction (I was self-isolating alone at home.  He was supposed to be my “pod”) going through such a frightening time, and never showed up.  I think the absurdity of his “your being needy” during global pandemic-caused complete isolation...and not seeing anyone, including him, for over a month...it was the final line for me.  The same stages I had blindly stumbled through the first time around, this time I knew it was coming.  I could see the devaluing.  I knew the discard was on its way.  It was still sudden of course.  One innocuous conversation turned into a breakup.  And even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. 

I resolved to try to stay friends.  The reality is that I still loved him and frankly, he & his family were my pandemic pod.  And honestly for a year, we had what I thought was a stabilized friendship. 

TW:  sexual assault
Two weeks ago, I went to a family BBQ with him.  Afterwards, I called him out on a hurtful comment he made regarding our previous relationship (he essentially mocked that we were ever together).  I was firm in stating that I cannot stay friends with him if he’s going to make fun of me for doing so.  I’m sure that’s what triggered him.  What came was a sudden sweep of accusations of cheating from when we were together.  He demanded to see my phone (at this point my mind was screaming - I was so shell-shocked), wanting to read my text messages between myself and a former male friend that he always thought I cheated on him with.  What he didn’t know in that moment is that said former male friend is a former friend because he raped me during the separation time with my ex.  When it happened, I immediately reported to my T, confided in two close friends, and reported to police.  The trauma when it happened was so great that I lost my job and ended up in the hospital with constant panic attacks.  Ex didn’t know this as it was during the no contact period.  This is something that I have been actively processing with the help of my T, under her pro guidance. 

When my ex demanded my phone to read the messages, I felt cornered.  I told him about what happened and refused to let him read the messages (which contained very intimate details about my assault).  I volunteered that he could come to my T with me or talk to my friend, but I wasn’t letting him read my texts. He said because I wouldn’t, he couldn’t trust me and told me he was cutting me off from he and his family.

Obviously, the whole situation was deeply traumatic for me.  It felt like he used my disclosure as the ultimate validation for his previous accusations of cheating.  Then he took it a step further:  he contacted the man who assaulted me.  Said he wanted to “make sure he wasn’t crazy.”  Laid out this entire scenario where my ex BF believes the man who assaulted me and I have been in a relationship this whole time, with my ex defending himself as “the unknowing side piece.”  It got so bad that my rapist contacted me to have my ex BF stop.

So now, am I not only dealing with this incredibly, deeply traumatic discard...I’m also dealing with his smear campaign having to do with the man that sexually assaulted me (he’s telling his family I was a cheater) AND his actions have put me in direct contact with my rapist.  (Both are blocked). 

The pain of it all has been immense.  And the shock of it had me ruminating over and over what I could have done to protect myself, both with the ex and the rapist. (the ex literally said “I know you didn’t have the boundaries in place that you said you did with this man else this wouldn’t have happened.  Mentally, my adult brain knows that’s a lie.  But as a survivor of assault, my trauma brain is terrified of that truth). 

The ex BF is now on a smear campaign, going as far to reach out to my best friend to “warn them about me and my lies.”  The good news is that I have incredible friends who love me, know me, and support me.  And I have a therapist that I’ve known for over a decade helping me to understand why I was attracted to my ex, how to process the trauma of the last three years, etc. 

But I’m still so heartbroken and just so deeply disturbed by the level of his betrayal.  The discard is one thing - but to literally try to build an alliance with my rapist against me?  It’s so shattering.

I don’t know why I finally decided to post.  I’ve come to this forum many times trying to understand BPD better as I grappled with my own co-dependency issues relating to my ex.  But this latest discard has left me reeling in a way that feels like I can’t emotionally recover.  And I hate that. 

My therapist says that I need to embrace my anger - that right now, that’s the thing that will stop me from spiraling into despair.  I just don’t know how right now.  And as much as I hate it, all I want is my best friend back - this person I know never existed, that mirrored illusion, “my person.”  I know that I’m grieving and yet I hate that this person got me so hooked in that I am even grieving at all for someone who could behave so monstrously.  That’s the part I’m struggling with and why I’m looking for support.  I feel ashamed to be so heartbroken after being treated so egregiously. 

[Mermaid235]

My ex bf (untreated BPD according to T) and I have gone through two discards, one after 1.5yrs (2month separation) and one after 7months.  I should state that I have been in active therapy for 10+years for cPTSD.  After the first discard, I knew that there were red flags.  And I also knew my accountability in it (co-dependency).  It was something that I actively addressed with my therapist and have continued to work on.  I went no contact during our separation, and even still got sucked back in during the second love bombing phase - the proclamations that I was his person, that he was just hurt because of previous trauma, that he was depressed and stressed about work but that I would always be enough, etc. And I know that so many of you have been there.  I *needed* to believe him because the alternative hurt so much.  “See!  I was wrong!  He IS my person and he’s just struggling - and if I just put in enough boundaries, and show him patient love, then it will work out as it should!  I wasn’t deceived after all!”  The heartbreak is so deep.

When the pandemic hit, he completely disappeared on me.  All this talk of making him my world - and then he literally becomes my world, and he’s no where to be found.  He went five weeks, listening to me literally beg for human interaction (I was self-isolating alone at home.  He was supposed to be my “pod”) going through such a frightening time, and never showed up.  I think the absurdity of his “your being needy” during global pandemic-caused complete isolation...and not seeing anyone, including him, for over a month...it was the final line for me.  The same stages I had blindly stumbled through the first time around, this time I knew it was coming.  I could see the devaluing.  I knew the discard was on its way.  It was still sudden of course.  One innocuous conversation turned into a breakup.  And even though I knew it was coming, it still hurt. 

I resolved to try to stay friends.  The reality is that I still loved him and frankly, he & his family were my pandemic pod.  And honestly for a year, we had what I thought was a stabilized friendship. 

TW:  sexual assault
Two weeks ago, I went to a family BBQ with him.  Afterwards, I called him out on a hurtful comment he made regarding our previous relationship (he essentially mocked that we were ever together).  I was firm in stating that I cannot stay friends with him if he’s going to make fun of me for doing so.  I’m sure that’s what triggered him.  What came was a sudden sweep of accusations of cheating from when we were together.  He demanded to see my phone (at this point my mind was screaming - I was so shell-shocked), wanting to read my text messages between myself and a former male friend that he always thought I cheated on him with.  What he didn’t know in that moment is that said former male friend is a former friend because he raped me during the separation time with my ex.  When it happened, I immediately reported to my T, confided in two close friends, and reported to police.  The trauma when it happened was so great that I lost my job and ended up in the hospital with constant panic attacks.  Ex didn’t know this as it was during the no contact period.  This is something that I have been actively processing with the help of my T, under her pro guidance. 

When my ex demanded my phone to read the messages, I felt cornered.  I told him about what happened and refused to let him read the messages (which contained very intimate details about my assault).  I volunteered that he could come to my T with me or talk to my friend, but I wasn’t letting him read my texts. He said because I wouldn’t, he couldn’t trust me and told me he was cutting me off from he and his family.

Obviously, the whole situation was deeply traumatic for me.  It felt like he used my disclosure as the ultimate validation for his previous accusations of cheating.  Then he took it a step further:  he contacted the man who assaulted me.  Said he wanted to “make sure he wasn’t crazy.”  Laid out this entire scenario where my ex BF believes the man who assaulted me and I have been in a relationship this whole time, with my ex defending himself as “the unknowing side piece.”  It got so bad that my rapist contacted me to have my ex BF stop.

So now, am I not only dealing with this incredibly, deeply traumatic discard...I’m also dealing with his smear campaign having to do with the man that sexually assaulted me (he’s telling his family I was a cheater) AND his actions have put me in direct contact with my rapist.  (Both are blocked). 

The pain of it all has been immense.  And the shock of it had me ruminating over and over what I could have done to protect myself, both with the ex and the rapist. (the ex literally said “I know you didn’t have the boundaries in place that you said you did with this man else this wouldn’t have happened.  Mentally, my adult brain knows that’s a lie.  But as a survivor of assault, my trauma brain is terrified of that truth). 

The ex BF is now on a smear campaign, going as far to reach out to my best friend to “warn them about me and my lies.”  The good news is that I have incredible friends who love me, know me, and support me.  And I have a therapist that I’ve known for over a decade helping me to understand why I was attracted to my ex, how to process the trauma of the last three years, etc. 

But I’m still so heartbroken and just so deeply disturbed by the level of his betrayal.  The discard is one thing - but to literally try to build an alliance with my rapist against me?  It’s so shattering.

I don’t know why I finally decided to post.  I’ve come to this forum many times trying to understand BPD better as I grappled with my own co-dependency issues relating to my ex.  But this latest discard has left me reeling in a way that feels like I can’t emotionally recover.  And I hate that. 

My therapist says that I need to embrace my anger - that right now, that’s the thing that will stop me from spiraling into despair.  I just don’t know how right now.  And as much as I hate it, all I want is my best friend back - this person I know never existed, that mirrored illusion, “my person.”  I know that I’m grieving and yet I hate that this person got me so hooked in that I am even grieving at all for someone who could behave so monstrously.  That’s the part I’m struggling with and why I’m looking for support.  I feel ashamed to be so heartbroken after being treated so egregiously. 

[LovelyRita50]

First let me say I am so sorry for what you're going through. You didn't deserve it, and the fault lies completely with the two men involved.

Your heartbreak is perfectly understandable. You are mourning the relationship you thought you had. That pain is real.

People with BPD are master manipulators. As my own therapist said, it's amazing to look at their patterns and techniques and how well they operate to keep the person insulated from self-awareness or self-examination. It's a system that evolves out of deep pain, but that doesn't excuse them from the harm they cause to others.

The fault lies in your ex-bf, not you. His illness is calibrated  to take advantage of positive human traits such as empathy, compassion, and vulnerability. NOT having those qualities would make you a sociopath or a psychopath. ALL of us are vulnerable to manipulation.

Your therapist's advice is good. Keep your anger where it belongs, on the people that hurt you. Again, it's a human response to feel ashamed, because as humans most of us want to do our best for ourselves and others. When you feel shame, try to be kind to yourself, and remember the qualities that make you a good person are not a license to hurt or mistreat you. Also try to embrace that we are all works in progress, and when we learn better, we do better.