What did your last relationship teach you about yourself?

[Sappho11]

The general consensus here seems to be "pwBPD are difficult, often impossible to live with, you're not as much at fault as you think". That said, most members also show accountability and self-reflection, and it is these nuggets of insight that I am interested in.

What have you learnt about yourself as a consequence of your last relationship? What is your takeaway? What improvements have you made to yourself and your life as a result?

[Sappho11]

Realisation struck that I fell into an enabling role in my last relationship. I did lots of things for my ex to "help" him, when in reality he should have been doing those things on his own accord. I'll do my best to avoid that in my next relationship.

---

Examining my past, it also struck me that I have a habit of starting friendships with people who have some sort of mental problem or another. Strangely enough, I particularly tend to do that when my life is going great and everything is easy. It took me a long time to realise that I don't pick people to "fix" to fill an emotional need, but to fill an intellectual one. Every single one of my past friend-/relationships with fixer-uppers happened during a period in my life when I was neglecting mental pursuits (not reading, not writing, not creating anything), when I was bored/underchallenged at school or at work and in my hobbies. Voraciously reading up on all sorts of disorders for hours an end, and trying to apply potential solutions, gave my brain something to do. And because people are people and not machines, they eventually always remained unsolvable riddles, which made the whole dynamic both addicting and frustrating.

In hindsight it's stupidly obvious. Professionals and laymen always talk so much about those relationships being about filling an emotional void, that looking at the mental void never occurred to me.

Reading and being artistically engaged in whatever way are bigger contributors to my personal happiness than social interaction. I'll prioritise these things from now on.

[crushedagain]

What I realized is to never allow loneliness to cloud good judgment. I also learned that being raised around several women with personality disorders had led me to overlook and accept behaviors that are not acceptable, that I need higher standards. I am one of those "fixers" in that I will see the best in somebody and try to help them, but I no longer want a "fixer upper." I deserve better than I had. Much better.

[khibomsis]

It taught me that I have to make my peace with my saviour complex. Trying to reconstruct myself from the ground up, changing the parts of me that can change and learning to accept and love the parts that won't. Co-dependent no more, though. These days I work at do-gooding far, far away from my love relationships. Don't take it home (or to bed) with me. Working great 

[EyesUp]

Just getting started after a year of awakening, that started with my uCNPD/BPD W's affair.

The themes of codependency, avoidance, rescuer/fixer all resonate, and the basis in my FOO is super clear.

So far, my attention has been split between self reflection and learning to be a good parent for my 3 kids, to break the cycle.  It's clear that the road ahead will be steep.

Lessons learned? 
I was comfortably miserable for a long time.
Intimacy != healthy relationship. 
Unresolved or unacknowledged problems can be (likely will be?) cancerous.   
Ignoring red flags != taking the high road.
That feeling that something is wrong is super important - pay attention to it.
A disordered person can be very high functioning and seem completely normal much of the time to most people.

[Cromwell]

Good things can follow from disaster scenes in life, therefore later on can regard the relationship as overall positive. It led me via despair and struggle to achieve other things in life.

Its up.to ourselves to convert or leverage or dwell and worsen

Well life is still no Picnic but i certainly feel a lot better about myself, self esteem that i salvaged the sliver that was left and started the road to repair and protect it. When lacking in self love the antidote is to give yourself more. When unbalanced seek that which brings balance.

There are no extremism in life anymore and I've got used to it and prefer it. Its better for my nerves and health. Im nearly 40 and don't need/want to feel ready for the scrapheap {can rapidly happen, burning the candle fast}

[Rev]

Well... what a great thread.

What I tend to remember depends on my state of my and condition of spirit at the time. So if I return to this thread in a couple of weeks, it may be different.

The major thing I learned: If I don't know how to put down, or can't find the resilience to put one down, particularly doing so without acrimony, then that's on me to fix.  It took me until this relationship to get a sense of what that means - to know my value so deeply that I don't need to have it validated.

There it is for now ... I always knew I deserved better than I had, in both my marriages and my significant relationship.  But I just didn't know how to attract better. I understand now that the better boundaried I am, the better quality of person I attract. The others, the predators, they just know to stay away.

Have a great day.

Rev