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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Things you can never say to a pwBPD  (Read 1573 times)
Cat Familiar
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« on: June 20, 2021, 12:58:41 PM »
I thought it would be good to have a few laughs and start a lighthearted thread to talk about things that if said, to a pwBPD, would elicit a nuclear meltdown.

Here’s mine:

Of course I love you. Who else could tolerate you?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Baglady
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« Reply #1 on: June 20, 2021, 02:33:57 PM »
It's not me, it's you... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

 Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
B
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2021, 02:49:12 PM »
I need some time for myself.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2021, 03:01:02 PM »
"No."
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Guts42
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« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2021, 05:00:13 PM »
Actually that's not what you said, let's roll back the tape!
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2021, 07:08:12 PM »
It’s always your feelings. What about my feelings?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Ventak
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To find out what I want, I look at what I do.
« Reply #6 on: June 20, 2021, 07:17:10 PM »
So many...

We have different memories.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
« Reply #7 on: June 20, 2021, 08:41:51 PM »
Why can't you let it go but instead keep bringing it up and demanding another apology every time?

Bonus...

Why do you demand "we are staying up until we fix this tonight" so often?
« Last Edit: June 20, 2021, 09:25:02 PM by ForeverDad » Logged
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2021, 08:43:49 PM »
Y’all are really nice. My internal dialog is very acerbic.

Don’t you get tired of always having to be a victim?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
LovelyRita50
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« Reply #9 on: June 20, 2021, 08:47:27 PM »
Babe, you're overreacting.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2021, 09:11:39 PM »
Um, you do realize all these things you’re accusing me of doing are things you do, right? You keep getting us mixed up.

You’re an adult, for Pete’s sake. Act like it.
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formflier
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WWW
« Reply #11 on: June 21, 2021, 06:52:02 AM »


Um...so here is one I've actually used and how I wish I could say it was "years" ago..when I didn't know better.  Probably a year or so ago.

"How about we look up the definition of "projection" together?"

her  "blah blah blah you just want to be right..blah blah"

"Why not figure out right now if "the book" believes I am right?"

the rest pretty much went the way you figured. 

Best,

FF
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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2021, 07:10:07 AM »
Here's one that I actually made the mistake of saying:

Him: "It just really hurts my feelings that..."(I don't remember what it was, probably something like me loading the dishwasher the way I wanted to do it instead of the way he wanted me to do it)

Me: "Oh, for God's sake, EVERYTHING hurts your feelings!"
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khibomsis
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« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2021, 07:44:54 AM »
"Let me convince you with the facts"  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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kells76
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« Reply #14 on: June 21, 2021, 09:20:15 AM »
"And who is protecting the kids from YOU?"
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2021, 12:18:17 PM »
It’s not always about you.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2021, 12:19:11 PM »
Grow up, will ya?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
kells76
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« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2021, 01:01:17 PM »
Maybe you're the problem.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2021, 01:17:57 PM »
With extreme sarcasm: Gosh, can you please tell me again about how my family and I have wronged you? I don’t think 50 times is quite enough.

It’s your fault.
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Dad50
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« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2021, 05:05:25 PM »
I am pretty new here, but wow it is ridiculous, like there is almost a script. Every single one of these has happened in my relationship. A lot fo them this week.

How about, "Honey, I want to talk about some boundar... (couldn't even get it out)

I need some time to myself tonight ( We've already spent seven hours together)

I'd like to spend a little bit of time with my kids  (Her response has several times been "You're f*&^%ing me not them")
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #20 on: June 21, 2021, 06:36:48 PM »
While maintaining a neutral facial expression, I enjoy saying these things in my internal dialog when I’m short on patience and empathy. It prevents me from saying them out loud  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I think having a healthy sense of humor is vital for navigating a relationship with a BPD partner.

What is amazing to me is that most of these things could be said to an emotionally healthy person in a jocular way and there would be no fallout. Sure some of these phrases might be rude and thoughtless, but a simple apology would take care of any emotional residue should that occur.

But with someone with BPD, a casual unkindness will be catalogued and remembered in perpetuity. So best we say them here, laugh, and refrain from saying them aloud.

Here’s more:
I was initially attracted to your sensitive nature, but geez, you take everything personally.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat Familiar
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« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2021, 06:39:04 PM »
Can you just get over it?

What a drama queen!

As if we didn’t have real things to be concerned with!

How long are you going to hang on to that?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
GaGrl
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« Reply #22 on: June 21, 2021, 10:56:16 PM »
Here's a really specific one...

 "I'm going back to Fort B_______ for the week. Could you refrain from f***ing your boyfriend on the living room floor so that our 12-year-old daughter won't walk in on your extracurricular activities? Much appreciated."
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Guts42
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« Reply #23 on: June 22, 2021, 07:44:05 AM »
Quote from: ForeverDad on June 20, 2021, 08:41:51 PM
Why can't you let it go but instead keep bringing it up and demanding another apology every time?

Bonus...

Why do you demand "we are staying up until we fix this tonight" so often?

Woah!  Going through this right now!  I thought it was just me?
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #24 on: June 22, 2021, 09:08:18 AM »
How many times must I tell you that I ________ (love, appreciate, want you in my life, etc.) before you believe it?
« Last Edit: June 22, 2021, 09:52:43 AM by Cat Familiar » Logged
“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
IntoTheWind
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« Reply #25 on: June 23, 2021, 09:04:46 AM »
I said all of these things to my ex while we were breaking up - I knew at the time I should absolutely not say these things to her if we ever wanted to move forward, but I was so exhausted that being painted black by her forever was better (it worked):

  • "You're being dramatic about X"
  • "You need to take some personal responsibility for the situation that you have created"
  • "You're acting like a victim for me moving on when you told me to"
  • "I guess I'm the evil villain again, when will my reign of terror end?"
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Ventak
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To find out what I want, I look at what I do.
« Reply #26 on: June 23, 2021, 09:14:51 AM »
Okay then go, I won't stop you.
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Ozzie101
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« Reply #27 on: June 23, 2021, 09:40:12 AM »
You think everyone really thinks about how best to make you angry every time they do or say something? Do you know how narcissistic that sounds?

The world doesn’t revolve around you.

Sorry, I’m fresh out of emotional bubble wrap for you. Shall I pick up more at the store when I go?
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Sluggo
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« Reply #28 on: June 23, 2021, 10:12:25 AM »

Its 2am and we have be talking about this since 11pm, can we discuss this tomorrow I have to wake up in 3 hours. 

Im sorry, I cant stay here with you today, I have to go to work. 

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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #29 on: June 23, 2021, 05:55:40 PM »
Don’t you think other people have problems too? Or are you the only victim of life’s inequities?
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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