Devastated breakup in the realm of switch

[Moon_of_hope]

Hi,

So recently broke up with my bpd partner as I was struggling with my own mental health issues. Realised this was mistake and my bpd was understanding until they went back to theirs and that’s when the bpd took over.  I was kept in a prison of my own guilt and shame for weeks and weeks having games played with me. It was the text book I hate you don’t leave me. For ever changing the goal post forever giving me hope it would be ok with some space and time. But then flickering back to never speak to me again total emotional detachment. I’ve never felt heart ache like this before. I never truly understood the complexity of bpd and now I’m educating myself I now see why I was so mentally run down. It’s so heart breaking because we could of worked through this. But she’s so full of anger and hate it’s blinded her and made her burn all bridges back to us. I’m still stupidly hoping we can get back together.

I’m here to share my experience so I don’t feel as alone with it. Currently seeking therapy to recover from it all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm so glad you found us.  We "get it". 

It sounds like you are a bit down about how this turned out.  Do I have this right? 

Is this your first breakup or has this type of thing played out before?

I’m here to share my experience so I don’t feel as alone with it. Currently seeking therapy to recover from it all.

What do these relationships take?

I'm interested in your first reaction to reading this article.  Please share when you can. 

I'll check back later today for your reply.   I think we can give you hope!

Best,

FF

[blackorchid]

hey Moon_of_hope Im in the same boat as you so totally get it.  How are you doing today?

[Moon_of_hope]

Hi,

This is first time we have broke up she has blocked me on everything.  A few weeks ago called and left me voice mail saying we aren’t able to talk right now which is true because her rages was controlling it all and I became overly emotional after it all. Then I messaged her back week or so ago and it was like different person saying to never message again and she’s changing her phone. Then screaming f@*#% off down phone then hanging up. It was very distressing how emotional detached she became so quickly. I’ve done nothing but take responbility for my part and remain kind to her. The whole experience has left me so so low. I’ve gone out my way to buy books to educate myself so don’t take it personal and if she comes back I can manage better. I know I sound like a fool but my feelings for her have not changed. 

Reading that article made me think what sort emotional place I’ve got to get into. But I’m so broken at moment miss her terribly but also know I’m
Nowhere near strong enough or stable right now to take on those behaviours

[blackorchid]

You don’t sound like a fool. I have been there many times before and I’m going through it again rn. Being blocked is so hurtful. What are you doing at the moment to work on you and making you feel better?

[Moon_of_hope]

Really? Have they got back in contact before after blocking? And how long was it for? Right now I’ve had take time off work due to stress of it all. And I’m just trying to go inward and look at myself to try feel strong again but today is really bad day my hearts breaking and I don’t know what else to do I know I can’t contact her it will just strike up emotions again.

I’m currently going to therapy and I’ve started some medication too I just wish to feel grounded again like myself.

[blackorchid]

You're doing the work to get there, so you will feel grounded again. 

 Every time the blocked has been different lengths so I can't help you there, sorry.

Is there anything you can do now to try and feel better? I know what a bad day can feel like and I literally have to force myself to do things.

[Moon_of_hope]

Thanks. Doesn’t feel like it. Feels like I’m wading through thick tar.
I guess just being with my emotions and allowing them to come instead of ignoring them will help. I’ve never known heartache like this. I really hold no blame or hate in my heart only committed to understanding them. I know I’ve got to dig deep regardless of the outcome.

What sort of Dialogue did you get with your bpd partner after they unblocked you and spoke to you again? How does this experience making you feel and how do you cope with it?

[blackorchid]

wading through thick tar, wow thats exactly what I thought to myself this morning about how i was feeling.

It's always shocking to see how similar stories/emotions are.

I have been with mine for 16 years so there has been a lot of cycles like this,

the last time he blocked me was 2 years ago and usually restarted with bills on the house and then saying we can only be friends and then I guess when he wanted to he started talking again...

not helpful to you, I know  sorry

[Moon_of_hope]

It’s extremely tough finding this page and reading walking on eggshells as helped me understand a lot more but also shed a lot of light around being in a losing game and coming to accept that.

I think if she unblocks me and wants to try again which she may not only way is if she gets some serious help around her bpd. Small arguments that seemed like nothing to me was huge to her causing her to self harm it was so upsetting this only ever happened when we was apart too. She would have break downs but if I was there was easier to ground her. I feel a fool now because I didn’t fully understand bpd and wish I had the tools I had now.  She told me she’s been diagnosed but would pick and chose when she would discuss her bpd. Like sometimes she was aware and other times in massive denial. Only way of us coming togetehr is if she did some serious self awareness work. Which I’m not sure will
Happen.

No I mean this is helpful talking to someone else especially knowing what I might be expecting or may not expect. I know I need to focus on me the most right now to become a stronger person. It’s hard when I have huge emotional
Ties to this girl. I love her so much and I don’t hold her in any blame I just wish she could see.