I don’t know how to cope with suspected BPD husband and need advice

[exasperatedwifey]

I’ve been reading about BPD and want to be supportive and kind but it’s really hard knowing what I should say and do in practice, not just reading about it. Here are some examples of the things that go on at our house:

1) We have 2 girls at home (17 and 16). He will teasingly call the girls “cow” or “thunder thighs,” which hurts their feelings. They will call him out and he will argue that he has NEVER said anything about their weight. He tells me that the only reason they connect those words with their weight is because I’ve taught them to be that way. That no other girl/woman would think that about those words.

2) He told my 16yo daughter that she reminded him of Macaulay Culkin from The Good Son. She has never recovered from that.

3) Often brings up my past failed relationships as a reason why we have problems…”don’t you think you are the common denominator here?”

4) He recently flew into a rage and I asked him to pack his things and leave and he asked our 17yo to come and help him pack. She fell into a heap on the floor crying. He doesn’t see how this was such a problem for her.

5) We went out to eat Sunday afternoon and only my husband and my 15yo were in line together (she isn’t his favorite). The lady told them to move up to order and he told her to go ahead. She was being polite and said that’s okay, he could go first. He flew into a rage and threw his coffee cup onto the table I’d gone to sit at (spilling coffee everywhere) and stormed out the door leaving everyone standing there shocked and embarrassed. My daughter said she didn’t know what had happened to make him angry and told me what she’d said. When I went outside to find him, at first I couldn’t, then he came walking around the corner. He told me that he was sick of the way she treats him and I explained that she was only trying to be polite. He stopped for a minute and then told me that the reason he’d run out so quickly was bc he’d felt suddenly sick at his stomach. That reminded me of something that a small child would do and say.

6) A few weeks ago a similar thing happened. We’d gone to the garage to take the trash bins out (normally a job my girls handle). He’d taken a broken portable fireplace to the curb. My youngest daughter saw what we were doing and rushed out to help. I grabbed one bin and she grabbed the other. When her dad walked back up he said he could take the bin and she said, “that’s okay dad, I have it,” and he got super upset with her. Called her disrespectful. I was proud of her, not handing her chore off to someone else or trying to get out of it.

His first therapy session is on July 21st. He let me find the therapist. I made sure to find one who specializes in BPD. I’m really hoping it helps some.

I guess I’m just trying to find out how others cope in these situations. I love my husband so much but I’m finding myself wanting to run. Please help!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It seems that he’s severely lacking empathy, while at the same time feeling overly sensitive and feeling criticized and disrespected, when that isn’t happening at all.

It’s very frustrating to deal with someone when they’re being difficult like that, but as you’ve noticed, the root of his behavior in some of these instances could be fear based.

Look under TOOLS at the top of this page and find the article “Don’t be Invalidating.” Learning how not to invalidate will make things marginally better and could help him feel less volatile.

[Ventak]

Welcome to the site ExasperatedWifey, I think you'll find this a great resource.  Everyone here has been through what you are going through and are very knowledgeable and helpful.  It often feels like an extended family to me.

There are some amazing educational links to be found that can help you reduce his volatility once the recommendations become second nature.  It's not an overnight "cure", but if you are committed to the relationship it can make a world of difference.

It has also been very helpful to me to read through the other posts on this forum.  This has helped me really understand in my core that there are literally thousands of people out there that suffer through the same exact things that happen to me.  I also find it helps me when I respond to others and share my story.

One thing that has really helped me in my journey is to dramatically reset my expectations.  I read somewhere that a pwBPD has the emotional maturity of a 2 year old, but is an adult in most other aspects.  Since I have 2 year old twins, I find humor every time my son starts throwing a tantrum, and thanking my higher power that at least my BPDw doesn't go that far.  But it especially helps in arguments, keeping me from getting defensive.  I used to keep expecting my BPDw to make sense and follow the logic of my discussion... after all, she is one of the smartest and most logical people I know... yet here she was talking over me again and twisting my words backwards.  About the twentieth time I read someone else sharing the exact same experience, it hit home that this was really a me problem... she has no control, but I can control my response to what her illness is doing to her.  Unfortunately it is easier said than done, but I keep reading and working on improving my responses.  It helps when I think about how I would be responding to my twins doing the same thing... I don't expect them to make sense once they have lost control, I calmly set boundaries for them and try to be understanding until they calm down.

I've experienced #3, #5 and #6.  My favorite episode was after her dog peed on the carpet.  After soaking up the moisture, I asked her where the carpet spray was (she had moved it the week prior).  Complete meltdown... what kind of worthless husband would ask that?   Any decent person would have known that there was a large bottle of spray upstairs in the utility room and spare spray bottles.  It's been there for years.  Or you could have just looked for it and you would have found it... the anger lasted three days over that.  The irony is that the night before I had gone out and travelled to two pharmacies to get her some constipation medicine, took 45 minutes, and I had spent 13 hours that day working and watching the twins on my own.

I think it's great that he is seeing a therapist.  Has he been officially diagnosed with BPD?  Either way... one thing I've read is that you shouldn't ever mention the illness to a pwBPD, only focus on the behaviors.  I wish I'd read that years ago, I realize now that it was driving a wedge in my relationship.

Welcome, and know that we care and are here to help.

[exasperatedwifey]

Thank you for the information. I will look under Tools for more help.

[exasperatedwifey]

This is true. I think I need to adjust my expectations for sure. My oldest daughter is 6ft tall. When she was 2, she was 3ft tall and everyone expected her to act older bc she looked older. Maybe if I keep that in mind, it will make it easier to remember. I must admit that it’s very hard for me not to take the ugly things personally. That’s a big one I’ll have to work on.

No, he hasn’t formally been diagnosed. When I read Walking On Eggshells, I thought, “Oh my god….this has been the past 18 years of my life!” My therapist suggested that he may be BPD. I’d always thought bipolar. That’s the diagnosis his mother got years ago (which I now realize was truly a terrible misdiagnosis…she most certainly has BPD). The book mentions early on to not bring up to your person that you feel they may have it, so I haven’t. He allowed me to choose the therapist though, so I did choose someone who is experienced in treating BPD patients.

I really appreciate the feedback and will continue to read, research and put into practice the things I learn. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but I want my family and marriage to stay together.

[Ventak]

You have a great attitude!  So glad you found us.

Excellent work on the therapist, I think finding one well versed in BPD will make a huge difference.  Are you seeing someone as well?  Some weeks I don't think I could get through if I didn't have mine to help.

This is true. I think I need to adjust my expectations for sure. My oldest daughter is 6ft tall. When she was 2, she was 3ft tall and everyone expected her to act older bc she looked older. Maybe if I keep that in mind, it will make it easier to remember. I must admit that it’s very hard for me not to take the ugly things personally. That’s a big one I’ll have to work on.

We have the same issue with our twins.  Both big for their age (over 3' at 2) and autistic... so others expectations are nowhere close to their reality.  When you wrote that, I thought of someone with Tourette syndrome, and how much easier it would be to brush off the vulgar insults if that were their neurological issue...  I'm going to try and use that comparison in the future and see if it helps.

Please keep us updated on your journey and feel free to reach out as questions arise or you need to talk to someone who truly understands what you are going through.

[exasperatedwifey]

Thank you guys so much for the support and suggestions! It’s nice to know that there are others out there who deal with the same things…that I’m not crazy!

Yes, I’m seeing a therapist. She’s the one who suggested that I read Walking On Eggshells. She’s dealt with BPD patients in the past and she said that there were so many things she was hearing from me that I needed to look into it. She’s really been a lifesaver for me.

I’m so grateful that I’ve found a safe place with great support. Thanks again!

[Cat Familiar]

One of the most beneficial things I’ve learned is to not take things personally. That’s easier said than done.

What helps is remembering that a pwBPD (person with BPD) has great difficulty regulating their emotions and that expressions of verbal diarrhea can somewhat alleviate emotional volatility, which often masks self loathing and insecurity.

It’s no fun to be the target of those outbursts, but I think of the principle of Aikido in avoiding conflict, seizing control of the situation, and neutralizing the attack so that no one is hurt.

It seems that pwBPD can often try and bait us, to see if we too will get upset. And if so, that perhaps makes them feel better that they’re not the only one who has difficulty controlling their emotions.

Far better that we, as nons, be the emotional leader in the relationship. It’s not easy, but by doing so, we become stronger and we have more options. Often through doing this, we can subtly influence our pwBPD to behave more responsibly, but at minimum we will have less conflict because we don’t feed the fire.

[kells76]

Hey exasperatedwifey,

That sounds heartbreaking to see your husband interact with your daughters in unfeeling, uncaring ways.

Are the kids in any kind of counseling?

While on the one hand they're getting towards ages where they can process "it's not my fault, I didn't do something wrong for Dad to treat me this way", it could get complicated having those discussions with you (not to say you shouldn't). A neutral third party could be really helpful for them -- perhaps as an addition to you talking about things with the kids.

You could also see what your therapist has to say about what could help your kids through this.

there are others out there who deal with the same things…that I’m not crazy!

Oh yes... you are not crazy! We're here with you;

kells76

[Cat Familiar]

Great suggestion from Kells!

[exasperatedwifey]

Yes! Great suggestions. My youngest is currently in therapy. She has OCD. We’ve only JUST been able to concentrate on the OCD in therapy bc of her turbulent relationship with her dad…her therapist has been helping her through that. Her sister doesn’t want to go to therapy until she can see someone in person. My girls are just about to get their second Covid vaccine and pretty much every therapist I’ve checked with in my area is doing Telehealth. My girls definitely recognize what’s going on. They’ve come to me quite a bit to talk about it. I listen carefully and try to explain some of what I’m learning. Ugly things said to someone are never okay, but their dad isn’t doing it on purpose and probably isn’t really conscious that he’s doing it at all until it’s brought to his attention. I will need to teach them about validating words in a conversation while still letting them know that it’s okay to stand up for themselves.

The part under Tools about validating/invalidating was great! The part in the video where he talked about if you had a child who had a curfew of midnight but didn’t show up until 1:30am doing just fine (not hurt, etc), your emotions would be running high and instead of telling them that you’d been so worried, you’d ask, “Where the hell have you been?” That made it easy to understand…that the pwBPD’s emotions are often running that high even without a huge event. I am truly trying to read everything I can get my hands on to be better informed and practice saying and doing the right things to aid my family in getting to a good place.

I obviously would never tell my pwBPD that I felt like he had BPD, but sometimes I wish he could get inside my head. I feel like there are many people who, at the first realization that their partner could have a personality disorder, would run. But I am not. I don’t care what illness you have. I will do everything I can to help you get through it, as painlessly as possible bc I love you.

[Ventak]

I obviously would never tell my pwBPD that I felt like he had BPD, but sometimes I wish he could get inside my head. I feel like there are many people who, at the first realization that their partner could have a personality disorder, would run. But I am not. I don’t care what illness you have. I will do everything I can to help you get through it, as painlessly as possible bc I love you.

What I tell my family...  If my BPDw had cancer and I told people that I love her but that seeing her suffer with cancer was just too hard on me so I was leaving her, everyone would consider me an a**hole.  But since she has a mental health issue, they are instead telling me to run for the hills as fast as I can.  To me there is no difference.  I certainly respect others who choose to leave, but it doesn't fit into my personal moral code.  At the end of the day we all need to be able to live with ourselves.

You are making a brave choice.  Be proud of yourself, I am.

[exasperatedwifey]

Yes, exactly! To think of him suffering without someone to be understanding or to help him is just too much. I’ve gotten angry in the heat of moment and said things I wish I hadn’t (telling him that I wanted him to leave), knowing what I know now about BPD.

Of course it’s worrisome to think that some people never get better, but I’m choosing to be optimistic and try my hardest to what I can on my side.

[Ventak]

The thing I find it most difficult to remember... the best way that you can take care of him, is to take care of yourself first.  Someone once wrote to think of it like an airplane, if you don't put on the oxygen mask first, you won't be able to breathe well enough to get his on.

I have found that after two marriages with pwPD, totalling 38 years... I don't actually know who I am, what I need, or what I enjoy.  I'm on a journey of self-discovery while also trying to sort everything else out.  Some days I'm overwhelmed, which is why a support system is so important.

[exasperatedwifey]

Omg…that is EXACTLY what I always say! I really have no idea what I want, what I like, who I am. When you’ve been so wrapped up in someone else for so many years, you don’t really get a chance to concentrate on yourself at all. I agree with you about working on myself. My therapist is really great in helping me, in going through all that my life entails.

We had such a huge blowup a couple of weeks ago and since then things have been kind of tense and not our normal. The kids even sat down with my husband and told him about some hurtful things that he’d said and done to them. Of course, he thinks that I put these bad things into their minds…that I’ve turned them against him. I hate thinking about him feeling like that, that we are all out to get him. I’m trying to slowly work us back into feeling close to each other. He’s been so guarded. I know that had to have been really hard for him.