My 39 year old son now only wants to see me. Not his Dad. Should I visit him?

[Aliskwat]

Should I visit my 39 year old son? He refuses to see his Dad.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

This is a question that makes so much sense in the context of this community. Glad you are reaching out to ask.

If you don't mind sharing, are you and your son's dad married?

And, how far away does your son live?

[Sancho]

It depends on whether you can do it without creating the 'piggy in the middle' situation. Can you:

Talk to his dad about this request and see what he thinks?
If he is okay with it, tell your son you are not seeing him behind his dad's back.
When planning a meeting, do so on the condition you are not going to talk about his dad. If he wants to say something about his dad, he needs to say it to him.

So it might be possible if you can put some guidelines around it.

[Aliskwat]

This is a question that makes so much sense in the context of this community. Glad you are reaching out to ask.

If you don't mind sharing, are you and your son's dad married?

And, how far away does your son live?

Yes, My son's dad and I are married, 43 years.  My son lives about four hours away from us.

[Sancho]

What is your husband's view about you seeing him on your own?

[wantmorepeace]

Something drew me about this post.  I think it's the feeling of constantly being put in positions that feel like no-win by the PWBPD. There's no fabulous choice here. Whatever you choose, know that you are doing your best in a lousy situation.  Please, be gentle with yourself as you figure out what you want to do and how you want to do it.  And also know that you can't control whatever happens next.  You can only try (imperfectly) to live by your values and use/build your skills over time in dealing with this situation.

I am so sorry that you are in this position.  In addition to whatever you do in regards to your son, I hope you plan to do something soon for yourself.

[By Still Water]

Hello Aliskwat,

A coincidence - we also have a 39 yr. old son with uBPD. He is also not communicating with his dad (my dear husband) - now me, being that I asked for non-sneering texts that are mutually honoring of all of us - him, my husband, and me. My heart goes out to you. It's such a painful road. Did you see signs when he was a small child? We did - catastrophizing, high anxiety, and later rages during anxiety attacks.

[Sancho]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. Such a difficult decision and you and your husband have been on a long journey with your son and BPD.

Some questions come to mind - hope you don't mind me asking:

Do you have phone or other contact with your son? ?
You say your son lives 4 hours away: have you visited him before at this distance?

What would visiting him look like - ie would you go and stay a few days with him; stay overnight; visit for the day and stay somewhere else before going home?

How long is it since you saw your son? Was the last visit traumatic for you and your husband?

There is so much at stake here I feel I would need to have a clearer picture before making any comment. Your husband's welfare is so important and from what you say, he thinks that contact with your son will have a negative impact on you - which would then affect him.

I am wondering if you have a counsellor or someone who understands your situation, that you could discuss this with. I hope you can take your time to come to a decision that is in your best interest.