Help My husband was diagnosed BPD years ago, Been married for 35 years

[Willow River]

My husband was diagnosed with BPD in 1986. We have been married for 35 years. We had 4 children all now adults and living on their own.
Our marriage has always been chaotic. He has had left many times because of numerous affairs through the years,  always took him back even when I knew I shouldn't. I use to work as a RN and loved my job alot! I haven't worked for awhile now. I know I have been extremely depressed the last 10 years. I used to laugh all the time  and I miss it. I no longer answer the phone and I can go months without leaving the house.
My husband recently informed me he is going to take his retirement leave me, and move across country. I know that I should be grateful (he can be pretty mean) I hate to admit it but I am freaking out! I am 60 years old I no longer have a retirement, we never bought a house I have nothing. I know this marriage has been over for years and it has to happen. It is unfixable. But I am afraid I am going to try to fix it and I can't do that. I really need help!

[Rex31807]

Can you escape to one of your childrens houses? It sounds like you are in a very hurtful place. Is there anywhere you can go to give yourself a chance to get on your feet? It seems bad now but given a few months doors will open and solutions will emerge. Reach oit to family and social services if possible.

Im not qualified to give advice but start with the core family group. You need support from loved ones first and foremost. How do they feel about the.situation?

[Willow River]

In fortunately we moved away from my Family and my children. My Children have wanted me to leave for A long time. My Mom and brothers don't know.

[MeandThee29]

That's tough. I'm in that age group and had two college kids when we separated. Thankfully I'm healthy.

We seriously considered moving to a relative's guest house many states away, but it would have messed up the kids' college plans (they were commuter students). The college in that area wasn't pointed at all towards their goals. It seemed as though the job market there for me would be even worse than here.

We considered having the kids quit college and/or go part-time, but the hard reality is that most jobs in retail or the like are only part-time. It's very hard to get a full-time, minimum-wage job these days. I was already working three part-time jobs. All three of us did a lot of job hunting (I still couldn't get anything full-time) and decided to have them both work half-time, madly apply for scholarships, and continue with college while I still had some resources. If that ran out, they'd have to borrow.

We rented at first but were prepared to stay in a friend's basement in exchange for cleaning/yardwork and help with expenses.

Then at long last, it all came together.

[GaGrl]

If you are sure you will be detaching, you might want to post on the board that discusses Legal issues. But how sure are you that your BPD husband will go through with his retirement "plan"? Has he threatened to take major actions before? Did he follow through?

Depending on how serious the situation is, you might want to be proactive and think through your options. If your H moved to another state, he will need to live there for six months to establish residency in order to file for divorce. You can file first in the state you now reside.

A few other considerations...

How long have you been a stay-at-home homemaker? You would probably qualify for alimony with a long-term marriage.

Does your H have a retirement account -- IRA, 401k, company pension? You can negotiate for a portion of his retirement account.

You can claim Social Security based on his earnings -- you would get 50% of what he receives, without diminishing what he receives. That would be available no sooner than age 62.

Just to get you thinking...Stay calm. Think things through.

[Willow River]

Thank you for all the advise. He has worked for Federal Government for 35 years  I have no idea what he all has. I am kicking myself in the head, I should have found earlier.
Thank you so much everyone has been kind.

[GaGrl]

My father retired with a federal civil service pension. He set it up to take less per month so that my mother received 50% of his pension after his death. They both lived into their mid-90s, and they were quite comfortable.

The Office of Personnel Management (OPM) handles federal retirement. If you get a lawyer, he/she can get your husband or OPM to disclose his retirement account info.

[MeandThee29]

Thank you for all the advise. He has worked for Federal Government for 35 years  I have no idea what he all has. I am kicking myself in the head, I should have found earlier.
Thank you so much everyone has been kind.

Depending on when you married, you will get 50% of the marital portion of his pension and his Thrift Plan. They may not be enough to keep you going, but it's a start. In two years, you can file for half of his Social Security or yours, which ever is higher. So some money there.