Hurt, confused…. and insulted. Can anyone relate to this?

[B1987]

Hi all

My ex upwBPD gf of 4 years left me (I think for someone else) and I have been NC since. It has been 10 days of NC and she texts me saying she was ‘saying hello as a friend’.

The night before she left me we were together and having an amazing time, only for her to end things by text early next morning.

It’s so painful (and downright insulting!) to go from being her boyfriend/FP of 4 years to being ‘a friend’. She made it sound like I was just a distant acquaintance  from her past, seemingly completely forgetting about our amazing 4 years together which only ended a few days ago.

How do they do that? Why do they do that?

I’m an absolute mess and she just seems to carry on as normal.

I denied any attempt to be friends although I let my heart get away from me and gushed about how I still love her. She ignored all that and never replied. I feel so hurt!

Any advice or words of encouragement really would be appreciated.

[BKDamon]

I can completely relate, and I am really sorry for what you’re going through.

My ex seems to have moved on really fast after our breakup (15 years together) without any mourning period, and the last time I ran into her, she tried to fist bump me...

This type of behavior is completely inappropriate, cruel and selfish. It is their way of dealing with loss and fear of abandonment, and they can be really destructive because of that. It is just impossible for them to face these emotions so they hide them under the rug.

She might have said that to hurt you, or to be sure that you still love her, or as a way of distancing you in her mind. Or any combination of those reasons.

Post breakup is really difficult and the best way to heal is to avoid any sort of contact. They might reach out some time, but I guess the best way to deal with that I either to ignore them or to stay factual and distant. Any attempt of discussion will inevitably end with both of you being hurt. At least, that’s what I experience with my ex.

I know what you’re going through and I wish you strength and courage. It’s hard to see it right now, but you’re gonna be ok.

[B1987]

Thank you BKDamon!

[tvda]

I can relate 100%. 18 months of big love and promises. Then a total discard right out of the blue. Big love in the morning. Broken up and together with new guy by the evening.

The more I see it, borderline boils down to a combination of intense, very unstable emotions, high impulsivity, extreme selfishness and zero conscience.

That’s really all you need to know to explain all of their behaviour.

[B1987]

Thank you tvda, sorry that happened to you.

It’s hard to come to terms that my loving ex could really be like that but does seem to be the sad truth.

[KittyB]

The more I see it, borderline boils down to a combination of intense, very unstable emotions, high impulsivity, extreme selfishness and zero conscience.

This is really gut wrenching to read, but also very helpful.

[grumpydonut]

The more I see it, borderline boils down to a combination of intense, very unstable emotions, high impulsivity, extreme selfishness and zero conscience.

In devaluation stage, 100%

[Cant breathe]

This thread is sad, yet helpful to me. I'm sorry you all had to live through these relationships. For me, though, hearing your stories makes me feel like I have found my community. I've been struggling with the suddenness of how I was discarded. (in love in the morning, not even worth speaking to that night because he already had my replacement in bed) It's cruel, mind-boggling. Like trying to put rational thought on irrational behavior. I know this is a mental illness, but there has to be some accountabilty.

[WhatToDo47]

Yup. Swap out a few numbers but otherwise this is EXACTLY what happened yo me and it’s so helpful to read this.

[WhatToDo47]

I know this is an older thread. If you’re still around these forums. How are you now? Sending love and prayers for a better today and tomorrow to all!

[B1987]

Hi WhatToDo47

Thank you for checking in! I'm happy to say I'm doing so much better! I am in a much better place now and the pain is diminishing everyday. There are times when I miss her dearly but I'm finding it much more easier to move forward and focus on the things I enjoy doing.

I'm slowly starting to realise that it does get better - and I NEVER EVER thought it would

[WhatToDo47]

Hi WhatToDo47

Thank you for checking in! I'm happy to say I'm doing so much better! I am in a much better place now and the pain is diminishing everyday. There are times when I miss her dearly but I'm finding it much more easier to move forward and focus on the things I enjoy doing.

I'm slowly starting to realise that it does get better - and I NEVER EVER thought it would

Thank you so much! I'm so glad you responded and that truly gives me hope as well. Way to go! You, me, all of us, deserve SO much better than the way they treated us, used, abused, and discarded like an old work colleague they didn't much care for. Do you have any words of wisdom as far as getting to that healthy place you're at? Made my day to hear you're doing so well!

[B1987]

Thank you WhatToDo47! I really appreciate the supportive message.

The things that have helped me are the following -

Walking and exercise - I go for several long walks a week and find these a great way to clear my head.

Meeting new people - I recently starting talking to a new lady I met and although I'm not expecting anything from it, it was great to have some conversation with someone who is upbeat, healthy and has a good outlook on life. It really made me see how negative and toxic my ex's lifestyle was.

Learn from the recycling - This is a big one! I was recycled numerous times after my ex discarded me for someone else. I still loved her desperately and would jump at any chance to see her when she got in touch. Over time though, I started to realise how dysregulated she was and how she was only getting in touch with me to feed her needs and wants, not because she genuinely cared for me. I used to worry that she was excelling in life and doing so much better whilst I was in pain but every time we got back in touch and I started to dig deeper, it turned out her life was just getting worse. So please don't think they've suddenly 'got it' and fixed their lives. They haven't. I guarantee you they're just going from one host to the next, swimming through the same toxic circles. This was an important one to grasp.

I saw first hand how easily they can jump from person to person, lie, cheat and manipulate and that is someone I NEVER want in my life and you shouldn't either.

I hope some of that is helpful to you. I'm certainly not there yet (in fact, I'm missing her a lot today!) but I am doing so much better and know that ultimately, I never want that toxic disease in my life again.

[harbinger70]

Mine posted on Facebook a letter she wrote to herself saying when boys hurt you it’s not your fault and to walk away from things that aren’t meant for you, and then posted on Instagram about how confident she felt about her intuition. It was after seven weeks of bliss. No warning, nothing. It was incredibly insulting and immature. That’s what they do. No accountability, no remorse, and no closure. We’re better off without them. Long or short relationships, it doesn’t matter. They’ll do this to the next partner, and the next, and the next. The cycle will repeat.

It wasn’t your fault. It was just your turn.

[drumdog4M]

Thank you B1987 for mentioning the things you're doing that help you move on. It was helpful for me to read some of those concrete things, several which I intend to undertake for myself.

Your comments on recycling were also really helpful. I often ruminate over how great she must be doing now with her new lover so soon after we broke up. How suddenly she will get her dysfunctional life back on track and be a great partner, wife, or mother. I know the reality is that she is likely just trying to cope and has latched onto another naive guy to rescue her, just like I was.  And that her life is still a shambles even when she pretends it is not. Why do I buy into this destructive fantasy when the few encounters we have had post breakup include things like her being drunk, raging, and abusive, falling down in the street, etc.?

Despite all that, I care for her and miss her. I wish she could have a happy and stable life. I'm sorry I wasn't the person that could give that to her, but I'm opening my eyes to the tragic reality that no none can. And that the only person who should but cannot is herself.

[PeteWitsend]

...
Any advice or words of encouragement really would be appreciated.

I think there are two groups here:  those who are upset a BPD partner left them, and those who WISH their BPD partner would leave them. 

I fell in the latter camp, so I can't really relate to your feelings as such. 

As far as words of encouragement though, I can tell you be happy you did not marry her.  And be REALLY happy you did not have a kid (or kids) with her.  Imagine being married to someone who was as callous with your feelings, and as casual about what commitment means as she is.  Sooner or later you'd likely find yourself in "I wish they would leave" camp, but be struggling to reconcile that with your obligations as a spouse and parent. 

Now, she's gone, and it hurts.  But once you recover and heal, there's nothing stopping you from moving on with your life and living the life you want.  If you have kids together, now you're financially, and also geographically tied to your BPDex for the next 18 years or more.  The ability to have sole control over your destiny is an amazing thing, and something those of us who married and had kids with a BPDer have lost in a very long term, almost permanent way. 

Does that help?

[NotAHero]

I think there are two groups here:  those who are upset a BPD partner left them, and those who WISH their BPD partner would leave them. 

I fell in the latter camp, so I can't really relate to your feelings as such. 

As far as words of encouragement though, I can tell you be happy you did not marry her.  And be REALLY happy you did not have a kid (or kids) with her.  Imagine being married to someone who was as callous with your feelings, and as casual about what commitment means as she is.  Sooner or later you'd likely find yourself in "I wish they would leave" camp, but be struggling to reconcile that with your obligations as a spouse and parent. 

Now, she's gone, and it hurts.  But once you recover and heal, there's nothing stopping you from moving on with your life and living the life you want.  If you have kids together, now you're financially, and also geographically tied to your BPDex for the next 18 years or more.  The ability to have sole control over your destiny is an amazing thing, and something those of us who married and had kids with a BPDer have lost in a very long term, almost permanent way. 

Does that help?

 You are right in your comment about having kids with them.

 If we didn’t have a kid I would have blocked her by now. Having a child makes it so much harder. The only way to do it right when you have a child, in my opinion, is rationalizing reality until you are completely emotionally detached. When you see her and she means nothing to you more than the mother of your child, that’s when you know you are free.

[PeteWitsend]

... The only way to do it right when you have a child, in my opinion, is rationalizing reality until you are completely emotionally detached. When you see her and she means nothing to you more than the mother of your child, that’s when you know you are free.

That's pretty much how it was for the last couple years of my marriage.  The only hard part about leaving BPDxw was concern for our daughter's well being.  Getting away actually felt great; felt like I was "Born Again."

After the way BPDxw treated me and my extended family and friends, I didn't care about her or her feelings at all.  She was basically dead to me.  

Whether she knew this or not, or knew what she was doing, or was so disordered she couldn't control it, or whatever other excuses she'd make... it just didn't matter any more to me.  I had seen and heard too much of it to care.

[aero0421]

I relate to this a lot. 2 years of intense, head over heels in love, I want to build a life with you etc. Then dumped with zero discussion and replaced within a week. She came back for a few months, only to change her mind again, and a week later she had adopted a dog with my replacement and was talking to me as though I were a distant acquaintance, as though the past few WEEKS had never even happened. I even said this and she said "yeah my emotions change a lot, it's annoying for me too". No empathy.

Even when I can intellectually say: ok, clearly this person has issues, it's hard to process. It's hard to see someone seemingly thriving, with a new relationship and all new friends too, and it makes you question your sanity (or at least, for me it does). That's been one of the hardest parts for me. Feeling like I can understand what's happening, but constantly being faced with questions of: "Wait, am I crazy? is she actually fine?"

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you WhatToDo47! I really appreciate the supportive message.

The things that have helped me are the following -

Walking and exercise - I go for several long walks a week and find these a great way to clear my head.

Meeting new people - I recently starting talking to a new lady I met and although I'm not expecting anything from it, it was great to have some conversation with someone who is upbeat, healthy and has a good outlook on life. It really made me see how negative and toxic my ex's lifestyle was.

Learn from the recycling - This is a big one! I was recycled numerous times after my ex discarded me for someone else. I still loved her desperately and would jump at any chance to see her when she got in touch. Over time though, I started to realise how dysregulated she was and how she was only getting in touch with me to feed her needs and wants, not because she genuinely cared for me. I used to worry that she was excelling in life and doing so much better whilst I was in pain but every time we got back in touch and I started to dig deeper, it turned out her life was just getting worse. So please don't think they've suddenly 'got it' and fixed their lives. They haven't. I guarantee you they're just going from one host to the next, swimming through the same toxic circles. This was an important one to grasp.

I saw first hand how easily they can jump from person to person, lie, cheat and manipulate and that is someone I NEVER want in my life and you shouldn't either.

I hope some of that is helpful to you. I'm certainly not there yet (in fact, I'm missing her a lot today!) but I am doing so much better and know that ultimately, I never want that toxic disease in my life again.

Every word of that is so helpful and just what I needed to hear. THANK YOU! Truly. Saving this advice especially re-recycling to read when I'm low/missing her.

[WhatToDo47]

Mine posted on Facebook a letter she wrote to herself saying when boys hurt you it’s not your fault and to walk away from things that aren’t meant for you, and then posted on Instagram about how confident she felt about her intuition. It was after seven weeks of bliss. No warning, nothing. It was incredibly insulting and immature. That’s what they do. No accountability, no remorse, and no closure. We’re better off without them. Long or short relationships, it doesn’t matter. They’ll do this to the next partner, and the next, and the next. The cycle will repeat.

It wasn’t your fault. It was just your turn.

This is great advice, too. I especially like that it's not our fault, just our turn. I, for one, would like to pass the next time it's my turn. Thank you all for helping me get the strength to do that.

[WhatToDo47]

Thank you B1987 for mentioning the things you're doing that help you move on. It was helpful for me to read some of those concrete things, several which I intend to undertake for myself.

Your comments on recycling were also really helpful. I often ruminate over how great she must be doing now with her new lover so soon after we broke up. How suddenly she will get her dysfunctional life back on track and be a great partner, wife, or mother. I know the reality is that she is likely just trying to cope and has latched onto another naive guy to rescue her, just like I was.  And that her life is still a shambles even when she pretends it is not. Why do I buy into this destructive fantasy when the few encounters we have had post breakup include things like her being drunk, raging, and abusive, falling down in the street, etc.?

Despite all that, I care for her and miss her. I wish she could have a happy and stable life. I'm sorry I wasn't the person that could give that to her, but I'm opening my eyes to the tragic reality that no none can. And that the only person who should but cannot is herself.

This is very well said, too. I just realized that, at least for me, I think part of it is I know how much time, energy, love, money, therapy, etc I poured into her and the relationship. If someone had invested all that in me, it would have made a difference in me. But in them, it just didn't. It's like pouring water on a water proof surface all day, it just doesn't absorb.

I've had a similar experience, too, I start to miss the fantasy future I thought we had, but my brief interactions with her since the discard are just odd, like she has been replaced by someone else, someone who is mean, bitter, cruel, angry. Maybe she was always like this and just doesn't feel the need to hide it from me anymore.

[WhatToDo47]

I think there are two groups here:  those who are upset a BPD partner left them, and those who WISH their BPD partner would leave them. 

I fell in the latter camp, so I can't really relate to your feelings as such. 

As far as words of encouragement though, I can tell you be happy you did not marry her.  And be REALLY happy you did not have a kid (or kids) with her.  Imagine being married to someone who was as callous with your feelings, and as casual about what commitment means as she is.  Sooner or later you'd likely find yourself in "I wish they would leave" camp, but be struggling to reconcile that with your obligations as a spouse and parent. 

Now, she's gone, and it hurts.  But once you recover and heal, there's nothing stopping you from moving on with your life and living the life you want.  If you have kids together, now you're financially, and also geographically tied to your BPDex for the next 18 years or more.  The ability to have sole control over your destiny is an amazing thing, and something those of us who married and had kids with a BPDer have lost in a very long term, almost permanent way. 

Does that help?

Helps me and reminds me that I was blessed that, even though we were married, she left before we had kids.

[WhatToDo47]

I relate to this a lot. 2 years of intense, head over heels in love, I want to build a life with you etc. Then dumped with zero discussion and replaced within a week. She came back for a few months, only to change her mind again, and a week later she had adopted a dog with my replacement and was talking to me as though I were a distant acquaintance, as though the past few WEEKS had never even happened. I even said this and she said "yeah my emotions change a lot, it's annoying for me too". No empathy.

Even when I can intellectually say: ok, clearly this person has issues, it's hard to process. It's hard to see someone seemingly thriving, with a new relationship and all new friends too, and it makes you question your sanity (or at least, for me it does). That's been one of the hardest parts for me. Feeling like I can understand what's happening, but constantly being faced with questions of: "Wait, am I crazy? is she actually fine?"

Wow that really is 0 empathy from her. Reminds me so much of what I've been going through the last 6 months. Married, about to have kids, saving for a house, best friends. Then nothing. Literally in less than 5 minutes she went from talking about house features for us to saying it's over and she's leaving. Later I asked her what the heck and she said "I changed my mind, this is hard on me, too." No. Empathy.

I also struggle with thinking maybe I am the crazy one. There are some really good posts on here about that. I do think we are crazy in attaching to someone so strongly who didn't/doesn't deserve it. But also, I look at my life, I have been successful, have healthy lasting relationships with family, friends, coworkers, etc. ALL of her relationships are a mess. Also, if someone told me where I could improve, I would thank them, not rage and deny. And I feel empathy and compassion.

When she left, she told me I was the crazy, abusive, controlling one and I need therapy. So I called her bluff and have been going to therapy. Therapist says I'm not crazy, just co-dependent, trauma bonded, and have some PTSD from her. If you're really in doubt, ask a therapist. I'm 99% sure they'll remind you of what you already know, she's the cruel, crazy one, not you.