Shut out

[Betty mae]

Hello.
My husband and i have three adult children. My middle child has BPD.
At nearly 30, and out of the blue, said middle child has confronted us with wild accusations. The once thought of as wholesome and wonderful childhood now has dark corners.
In a fit of rage we have all been accused of abuse. A relationship won’t continue until we have confessed to said childhood abuses and taken ownership of them.
A once close family has now been faced with estrangement and deep pain.
It’s always been hard-but this is gut wrenching. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hey Betty , thanks for writing us and do we ever understand what you are going through!  This is easier said than done, but if you can somehow know this is more about your adult child and their lack of coping skill and much less about you. Many of us have gone through this- my adult BPD son's hate and despair verbal vomited all over me many times.  It's kind of what the BPD does.  I, too , am estranged from my adult son. Spend this estrangement time with building you up.  Coming here is a great first step.   Read through this website at your leisure.  Some of us have our own therapists to help us navigate this.  Please keep writing back, you are not alone here.  We get it. 

[Betty mae]

Thank you Swimmy. That is encouraging.

[By Still Water]

Hello Betty,

   I’m glad you’re here and will find fellow travelers on our painful road. We lift one another up - something dear to me, considering our peers with non-BPD loved ones find it hard to imagine what we go through - it can be too lonely of a journey for us.
   Like you, we’ve  a son - undiagnosed, near 40. Although we’ve had awful devaluing - even vulgar words (you phrased it well: “out of the blue”), he has just recently accused us, saying our political and spiritual home culture has abused and neglected him, psychologically and emotionally - texted from another country.  Like you said, it’s absolutely gut-wrenching when we’ve done nothing but gone the extra miles with him. Even told us, a some  weeks before this accusation, that he had a good childhood with us. The switches are staggering, aren’t they?
     Have you had any advisory counseling for yourselves, to weather this road? Please also be good to yourselves and give yourselves plenty of grace... and keep us posted.