We are new members, with bpd teen daughter

[tiredparents]

We have a bpd daughter who just graduated high school at age 18. We are older parents, and exhausted by her multiple daily yelling tantrums (and so are our neighbors). We have two immediate problems right now, because we need to escape her abuse:

1. We are afraid to take vacations as a couple, even just for a weekend, as she may abuse verbally or physically, one of her two brothers. (All 3 kids are in early college, still living at home.)
There is no “babysitter of adult kids” that we know of. How can we get away? We are in our mid-sixties, and feel that our health is at risk, because our stress has hit max level, but we are boxed in. What can we do to get away?

2. We want her to move out soon, but how can she survive any job, marriage or raising children, with these horrible daily tantrums over trivial issues? (Why didn’t you do my laundry, who took my shampoo, we have nothing good to eat, I don’t want to go to my online class, and if you mention it a second time I will break my computer…) How can she possibly survive in the world? She even hits us now and then. The world won’t tolerate her. What will happen to her? We have applied to Social Security Disability on her behalf, with her permission, but this will only cover half of her living expenses when she moves out. What can we do? We can’t live like this more than about another month.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Tired Parents,

    My heart goes out to you all, for the excruciating trial you are experiencing. You will find much comfort from members, here, who have needed to launch a BPD child. (Our undiagnosed son is out on his own, though he is in his 2nd estrangement from us, considering us “toxic” again. While he was still in our home, the rages were awful.)
     I wonder if your local NAMI chapter might connect you with information and resources - that would advise your going forward. Many years ago, we had contacted them, and we had joined a parent support group with them.
    Please hang in with us; we’d like to support you on this mutual, rough road.

[pursuingJoy]

tiredparents, I feel your exhaustion and second the suggestion to reach out to NAMI.

Short term, is there a way that you can arrange for the boys, at least the one it sounds like she targets, to stay with a friend for a weekend so that you can get away?

Longer term, what if you set a 1-2 year goal to move her out, including the steps to get her to that point? I'm aware that things happen and may not go to plan, but you need immediate and long-term relief. Knowing that there is an end can bring relief and this would give you a direction to move in that would feel productive.

You're carrying so much right now. You're right to be worried about your health.

[krommenk]

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with so much stress and overwhelm!  I am also experiencing similar things with my 30-year-old son who lives with us.  It causes constant tension and stress that becomes overwhelming  
I have just a couple of thoughts:
1) Getting away--can the boys make arrangements to spend a few days with friends while you are gone?  She should be able to take care of herself while you are gone. Decide how often you are going to check in with her and tell her what you decide--then stick to it.  She shouldn't be blowing up your phone while you are getting away.  Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself.
2) Read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," by Paul T Mason and Randi Kreger.  This will give you some tools to cope and set boundaries with her so you can take your life back.
Another resource for helping you set boundaries is "The Adult Chair" https://theadultchair.com/?s=boundaries&pageName=default podcast.  There are several episodes about setting boundaries.
Take care--hoping you can bring some peace into your life while dealing with this!