How do I know I'm not a Narcissist?/BPD?

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

With exposure to so much abuse, how does someone know if they are also abusive? or a Narc? My biggest fear is hurting my SO once he said I said something that was not ok and I felt that I  didn't and he started to doubt what he said and I wondered if I gaslighted him - so I said from now on - even if I don't see it or disagree I'm going to try to figure it out.

Yet that feels like I'm trying to find fault in myself and how do I know?
This is the true loss of abuse, its so messed up and although you know what healthy is - really understanding it, living in it is completely foreign.

Sometimes I feel he deserves someone with less baggage, as far as baggage goes - I have the most extreme trauma and all forms of abuse under my belt. Although I've gone to therapy for 10 years and made strides - there will always be a defecit there will always be something I missed.

How can I be pro-active, how do I know I don't have subconscious toxic tendancies even if I myself aren't completely toxic? How can I uproot them without losing myself in the past? I want to do the work. I need to let it all go.

[once removed]

Although I've gone to therapy for 10 years and made strides
...
How can I be pro-active, how do I know I don't have subconscious toxic tendancies even if I myself aren't completely toxic?

well, no one is perfect.

we all hurt others, whether by accident, or, sometimes on purpose. we all have tendencies, that, while they may or may not reach toxic levels, may not serve us, or may cause us not to get along with others, or may make us incompatible with others. a personality disorder is more a question of extremes, and the impact that they have on ones own life.

the odds are that you wouldnt qualify for a diagnosis of NPD or BPD. statistically, they affect about 2% of the population. likewise, it seems like something that would have come up in long term therapy.

but since we cant diagnose ourselves, it has always seemed to me that the question is "i have these behaviors or traits that are causing me unhappiness, or causing others unhappiness, or making my life difficult; what can i do about it?".

is it something you have ever brought up in therapy? what strides have you made along the way?

[pursuingJoy]

how do I know I don't have subconscious toxic tendancies even if I myself aren't completely toxic?

I like the way the answer is in your question, in that in-between space of not completely toxic, but possibly subconscious toxic tendencies. I hear grace and the ability to struggle with two seemingly competing ideas in your post, must be from those many years of work.  

Most of us have wondered if we have the same personality disorder we've noted in others. Personality disorders are on a spectrum, and we all share some of the behaviors.  I don't believe my husband has BPD, but he was raised by a BPD mother. He has learned bad habits of relating that are deeply ingrained. I don't have NPD, but I was raised by a father that was. I am codependent, detached style of relating, and struggled for years with fear of abandonment and fear of conflict.

I like this question:

"i have these behaviors or traits that are causing me unhappiness, or causing others unhappiness, or making my life difficult; what can i do about it?".

In thinking about your SO said hurtful, does this question help? Do you sometimes feel like giving in and 'changing' means losing a part of you?

[zachira]

You are asking a question that many people who have been abused by a narcissist ask.The fact that you are asking this question is probably the number one indicator that you are not a narcissist. Narcissists blame others for what they are doing. Narcissists do not have the capacity to take any responsiblity for their behaviors and have no empathy. People with BPD do not usually have the capacity to see how their dysregulated emotions affect them and other people. Many members here often ask if they have BPD, and usually find out they don't as they work through how they are suffering from the affects of abuse and extreme trauma.
You are not alone in having suffered extreme trauma. We are here to support you, and many of us on this site are survivors of extreme trauma. As you learn more about how trauma has affected you, you will see that you are not a narcissist, and you will be able to start to feel more comfortable in your own skin, as you integrate all the painful things that have happened to you to the point that you feel pretty good most of the time while feeling sad from time to time for past abuse. Past abuse is the key here. It takes time to learn to live in the present and not attract other people into our lives who are abusive.
You are on a painful journey and life will get better. Many of us have spent years in therapy like you are doing, including more than 10 years. Do as much therapy as you need, there is no time limit, though there are many kinds of therapy developed for trauma and therapists who specialize in helping those who have extreme trauma. Keep posting here, and let us know how we can be the most helpful. Many of our members here, were in pain and confused about what to do when they started posting here, and now are here supporting others as they find their way.

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to respond to this so thoroughly. You're right, I might have times where I hurt others but it is not my modus operandi, and I'm somewhat determined to prevent the cycle from continuing.

I guess that differentiation gives me less anxiety