Manipulation and Lying

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, new member here.
My dbt daughter in her 20s has set me up again and you'd think I'd be wise to recognize it at the beginning at this point. She came to my foster home when she was 6 mos old and we worked with her on bonding etc. When she was in grammar school I went with her to a therapist who said she had an insecure attachment so we worked on that. In high school she went on her own to a therapist whom she completely fooled into thinking she was so grown up for her age and making good decisions. Her constant drama, manipulation, and lies and taken a toll on me to the point where about 5 years ago I felt that I just didn't love her anymore. I stick with having a relationship with her because my ex-husband died years ago and I am her only parent. Her birth mother also died years ago and we have been unable to find her birth father. She is in contact with half-birth siblings and is the youngest of 5 whom the birth mother lost all to CPS. Luckily, she is overseas in the military right now so I'm only in phone contact, but even that takes a toll on me and I often need a break. I've started to put limits on our phone calls and I've told her that when she has conversations with family blaming me for her latest drama, I don't want to hear about what she said and what they said. I'm to point where I really don't care. I've gotten to the point of listening without offering any help, advice, or comments other than to ask what she thinks or what she will do. She has ruined some of my family's relationships, destroyed a marriage and other couples relationships, and now has married a young man who she knew for a few months by double-proxy. Lots of military do this - a couple in Montana stands in for them. This poor kid has no idea what he's in for and I can't say anything to his family. I feel like I'm boxed into saying I love her all the time and she thinks we are close when the opposite is true. She doesn't know she has bpd, but checks all but one box on the list of symptoms. I thought I'd wait until she come home to the US, gets stationed with her husband, and when things fall apart for them I'd advise for her to go to a therapist for diagnosis. What do you think?

[adoptmom2]

Hi, new member here.
My dbt daughter in her 20s has set me up again and you'd think I'd be wise to recognize it at the beginning at this point. She came to my foster home when she was 6 mos old and we worked with her on bonding etc. When she was in grammar school I went with her to a therapist who said she had an insecure attachment so we worked on that. In high school she went on her own to a therapist whom she completely fooled into thinking she was so grown up for her age and making good decisions. Her constant drama, manipulation, and lies and taken a toll on me to the point where about 5 years ago I felt that I just didn't love her anymore. I stick with having a relationship with her because my ex-husband died years ago and I am her only parent. Her birth mother also died years ago and we have been unable to find her birth father. She is in contact with half-birth siblings and is the youngest of 5 whom the birth mother lost all to CPS. Luckily, she is overseas in the military right now so I'm only in phone contact, but even that takes a toll on me and I often need a break. I've started to put limits on our phone calls and I've told her that when she has conversations with family blaming me for her latest drama, I don't want to hear about what she said and what they said. I'm to point where I really don't care. I've gotten to the point of listening without offering any help, advice, or comments other than to ask what she thinks or what she will do. She has ruined some of my family's relationships, destroyed a marriage and other couples relationships, and now has married a young man who she knew for a few months by double-proxy. Lots of military do this - a couple in Montana stands in for them. This poor kid has no idea what he's in for and I can't say anything to his family. I feel like I'm boxed into saying I love her all the time and she thinks we are close when the opposite is true. She doesn't know she has bpd, but checks all but one box on the list of symptoms. I thought I'd wait until she come home to the US, gets stationed with her husband, and when things fall apart for them I'd advise for her to go to a therapist for diagnosis. What do you think?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Reading your post was a great help to me today. I am at that point too where I don't feel anything for BPD dd. I think I reacted this way after having one day of the place to myself and then DD comes home having bought a car wanting me to change the registration on line, finding out then it is unregistered and off she goes - screaming its all my fault (some how), slamming doors. Not sure if walls of her room have holes now.

Then two minutes later on phone to her daughter 'Hello!' Chirp chirp.

I've just had it.

But there is no one else. Perhaps it will work for your dd with the new man in her life?

I know that you feel just totally empty, but I don't think you are being false in any way - you really do love her! You have stuck by her through it all, put up with it all and it's taken so much of your life and energy.

I think if - when - it does fall apart I think that would be a good time perhaps to make the suggestion.

In the meantime it's good that you are putting up boundaries. One really good thing I read here was that boundaries are not so much to keep the BPD person out, but to enable us to keep going. I found that really helpful in encouraging me to put up the boundaries that I need.

thanks for posting. It really helped today!

[marzipan67]

I hear you loud and clear! I told a dear friend that while I will always love my daughter, I don't really like her very much. I have been going through the most severe boundary yet; blocking her from phoning me on my landline. She can still call my mobile, which I rarely use or even turn on. That way I can check, and then decide if I want to deal with her.

Our last phone interaction was heartbreaking (for me) when I saw that she had now embarked upon a vendetta in which she would use my 3 y/o granddaughter to punish me. At that time I realized that I have given nearly half my life to her. The lies, manipulations and cruelties when she doesn't get her way. And now using my grandchild to punish me. I have absolutely had it. I have also realized that she is very resourceful about finding other people to manipulate and use, so if I leave the ranks I doubt it would make much difference.

The difficult thing is to stop feeling guilty! After all, there is no way that we could have prevented them inheriting this illness, we didn't pass it on deliberately, (ccc; didn't cause it, can't control it,or cure it)