What can I expect after break up where no contact is not an option?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi everyone, just reading your messages here has been super helpful so far <3  I'd like to ask your insights for my specific situation.

I dated someone for some weeks who I suspect has BPD. The first weeks were brilliant and I was so happy, but then he started criticizing things about me (from the way I washed a cup to how I smiled at a waitress), then a couple of times he got extremely angry extremely quickly over something very small. Every single time I was baffled, because his reasons for getting angry appeared so illogical, he seemed to think that everyone, including myself, was out to get him. Even a kind remark or a compliment he could interpret as an insult and it could set him off.

He didn't just have this short fuse with me, but also with others, from his co-workers to random passers-by, whom he'd call names if he thought they slighted him. Then the gaslighting started: he accused me of doing things I didn't do and having bad intentions, when I really cared about him and wanted us to be happy together. We'd talk, he'd say he understood my point of view, but the next day he'd accuse me of the same thing again, as if the previous conversation never took place.

Interestingly, he himself mentioned to me that in the past, he suspected that he may have BPD, but never sought treatment. At the same time, he states that his behaviour is normal and that's just how he is. 

I think he could tell I was having second thoughts, I was scared and had started planning my exit. Thankfully (?) he then ended things with me, accusing me of all sorts of wrongs. He went from being very much in love to despising me in the blink of an eye.

I am reeling from what happened, from how much the gaslighting made me doubt myself. And of course I am sad, crying every day. I still care about him, but I know it would be self destruction to go back to him. I immediately contacted a therapist to help me cope.

Now here is the thing... Unfortunately, this person lives in my building. I will avoid him as much as I can, but obviously I will run into him in the future. I am hoping he will shut me out completely and pretend that I don't exist – this seems to be the case for his other exes. However, I imagine my presence here will trigger him.

If I see him, I plan to be kind, but keep our interactions as brief as possible and not say anything personal. I am not sure what I can expect though (I have thought of everything from stalking to him blowing up at me when he sees me), and any advice or insights is much appreciated. Is anyone else in a similar situation where you have to frequently see your ex? How do you deal with this? Thanks

[NP345]

Hi everyone, just reading your messages here has been super helpful so far <3  I'd like to ask your insights for my specific situation.

I dated someone for some weeks who I suspect has BPD. The first weeks were brilliant and I was so happy, but then he started criticizing things about me (from the way I washed a cup to how I smiled at a waitress), then a couple of times he got extremely angry extremely quickly over something very small. Every single time I was baffled, because his reasons for getting angry appeared so illogical, he seemed to think that everyone, including myself, was out to get him. Even a kind remark or a compliment he could interpret as an insult and it could set him off.

He didn't just have this short fuse with me, but also with others, from his co-workers to random passers-by, whom he'd call names if he thought they slighted him. Then the gaslighting started: he accused me of doing things I didn't do and having bad intentions, when I really cared about him and wanted us to be happy together. We'd talk, he'd say he understood my point of view, but the next day he'd accuse me of the same thing again, as if the previous conversation never took place.

Interestingly, he himself mentioned to me that in the past, he suspected that he may have BPD, but never sought treatment. At the same time, he states that his behaviour is normal and that's just how he is. 

I think he could tell I was having second thoughts, I was scared and had started planning my exit. Thankfully (?) he then ended things with me, accusing me of all sorts of wrongs. He went from being very much in love to despising me in the blink of an eye.

I am reeling from what happened, from how much the gaslighting made me doubt myself. And of course I am sad, crying every day. I still care about him, but I know it would be self destruction to go back to him. I immediately contacted a therapist to help me cope.

Now here is the thing... Unfortunately, this person lives in my building. I will avoid him as much as I can, but obviously I will run into him in the future. I am hoping he will shut me out completely and pretend that I don't exist – this seems to be the case for his other exes. However, I imagine my presence here will trigger him.

If I see him, I plan to be kind, but keep our interactions as brief as possible and not say anything personal. I am not sure what I can expect though (I have thought of everything from stalking to him blowing up at me when he sees me), and any advice or insights is much appreciated. Is anyone else in a similar situation where you have to frequently see your ex? How do you deal with this? Thanks

[EZEarache]

If I see him, I plan to be kind, but keep our interactions as brief as possible and not say anything personal. I am not sure what I can expect though (I have thought of everything from stalking to him blowing up at me when he sees me), and any advice or insights is much appreciated. Is anyone else in a similar situation where you have to frequently see your ex? How do you deal with this? Thanks

OK, so I share a baby with my exwBPD. She is a bit more high functioning than yours, because she doesn't pick fights with random strangers, very often. I can only think of one or two times I observed that behavior.

You'll see a lot on this board about setting boundaries and validating. These two things probably are not very appropriate in your case. Your boundary is a desire for minimal contact. You don't really need to validate him, since you don't want him in your life anymore. Validation, is only good when you still need to show respect to the person. I still need to validate in my case, but it seems like in your case, it will set you up for more drama The best advice I can give, is to not JADE.

Do not Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain any of your statements or actions from the past or present. Some examples are as follows.

Justify
If he tells you what you did is wrong and wants to know why. "I don't have to justify my actions to you, anymore."

Argue
If he states something as fact, that you know is untrue or slanted, don't disagree with him. OK Validation might work in this case. "I understand that you feel X about Y, it makes sense." Just leave it at that, don't try to correct him. That will turn into an argument, and he's probably better at arguing than you ever can possibly imagine.

Defend
If he starts telling you how terrible you made him feel when you said something, don't defend yourself. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way." Normally this is a copout answer in a relationship, but if you don't really care or agree with him there's no point in trying to come to a consensus and defend your point of view. It'll just get turned around on you, and you'll be out of line.

Explain
If he wants you to explain why you said/did such a terrible thing, just say, "This is in the past, and I don't need to explain it to you anymore." If you try to explain your point of view, you'll just get accused of gaslighting or worse.

You might live in the same building, but you can always move if the situation gets untenable.

[NP345]

Thanks for this, it makes a lot of sense! I will keep these words in mind. For now nothing has happened, but I am trying to prepare myself for whatever may come my way, and I'd move if I have to. I hope it won't get to that, because I love my place.

[EZEarache]

I hope it won't get to that, because I love my place.

It probably won't have to come to that. In a best case scenario, the memory of your relationship will be so traumatic for him that he'll be the one to leave.

I know it's hard right now, but we all deserve to be treated with love and respect and not be emotionally manipulated. Eventually, you'll look back at this as a learning experience that brought you to a happier place in life, and prevented you from making even greater errors along life's journey.