Dating again but missing BPD ex

[HealingTee]

I been dating a new guy since my breakup from my BPD ex, but sometimes I catch myself missing my ex despite all of the chaos and pain he has caused me. I’m also terrified that I will never find the same intense passionate connection I had with my BPD ex. Has anyone else struggled with this?

[Ventak]

I can relate inasmuch as when things are good with my BPDw, they are amazing... and when they are bad, they are horrific.

I've read many posts from others that feel the same, so I think what you are going through is somewhat typical.  I read somewhere that we tend to dwell on the future that we hoped could happen, and not the future that was highly likely... so there is a tendency to focus on the good, which makes moving on difficult.

[B53]

I’m sorry that you struggle with those feelings. I think a lot of people feel the way you do. You need to remember that people with BPD mirror your personality and that is why they seem so perfect and it’s like everything matches up so well. They become what we want them to be. It’s an allusion. The fun and passion is more about you, then them.

Also, are the good times so great, that you are willing to take abuse, because that is the payoff.

I miss the wonderful guy my ex was, but the other side of him was a nightmare and I don’t want to ever experience that again.

It is hard to come to terms with.

[grumpydonut]

To expand upon what B53 is referring to...

With BPD, we experience a larger withdrawal stage due to the nature of the reinforcement we received during the relationship. This intermittent reinforcement principle (aka sometimes you get rewarded, but you never know when and you're always chasing it) is commonly used by gambling companies as is it scientifically proven to be the most addictive.

That helped explain why I felt so bad for so long post my relationship despite the abusive nature of it.

There is also a lot of excitement in chaos, and sometimes we get addicted to the thrill of the abuse.

[Upandown]

I think intermittent reinforcement plays a part but hasn't been the major aspect for me with people that have been in my life with bpd traits.  Also, I didn't find the people I was with to do the typical mirroring; that I've read about with npd people.  It didn't feel that way to me.

The connection for me came from their intense desire in-the-moment to be connected to me.  They truly did desire that in my opinion.  And they needed me in various ways in their life.  Again, I feel that was genuine at the time.  So we were idealized, not mirrored.  Idealized in the sense that we could be the perfect caretaker, and in a parent role also.  But when we are romantically involved as well, their need of us and our being the perfect person feels wonderful.  Not perfect as in I had these amazing skills, or that they pretended to have the same interests as me (they didn't do that), but perfect in that I could complete them and probably the feeling that they could complete me in some way.

So we do miss this aspect of being in a relationship with them, and it likely won't be duplicated with a "normal" person.