Estranged adult daughter with BPD, 18 years old

[Parents! Get help here!]

I am new to this forum and group.  I have an 18 year old daughter with BPD, Generalized Anxiety, and Major Depression.  She lived with me and her dad up until our divorce when she was 6.  She then continued to live with me and visit with him occasionally.  I remarried when she was 10.  She has 1 biological sister, 1 half brother, and 3 step-siblings.  Our oldest child died 4 years ago via suicide at the age of 24.  This was very difficult for her and us.  Shortly after that she continued to get worse behaviorally and was arrested 3 times for assaulting family members including myself and her sister and threatening to kill her younger brother.  She was on probation all times.  She’s been in treatment since she was 3 years old with little help or support.  She started accusing my husband of physical abuse when she was about 13.  All 3 allegations were unfounded.  She frightened her younger siblings and thus ended up going to live with her dad, where she continues to live today.  I am the person she attacks the most and often makes up distortion campaigns against.  She will tell people that I abused her all of her life, beat her, dragged her down the stairs, etc.  None of which is true.  This was her most recent accusation after being upset that I held her to a decision she made about vacation and she didn’t like it.  She now isn’t talking to me and has blocked me on her phone, that I pay for, and on all social media.  I have no contact with her and my ex-husband is of no help or support.  I’m tired.  And I’m hurt beyond words.  I cry a lot, both for her and for myself.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  I wonder all the time will she ever talk to me again.  Then, will I even want to talk to her.  And when will the next event happen.  It’s so exhausting.  Thank you all for reading my story.  This is the hardest thing in the world.

[Pugmom]

I am new to this forum and group.  I have an 18 year old daughter with BPD, Generalized Anxiety, and Major Depression.  She lived with me and her dad up until our divorce when she was 6.  She then continued to live with me and visit with him occasionally.  I remarried when she was 10.  She has 1 biological sister, 1 half brother, and 3 step-siblings.  Our oldest child died 4 years ago via suicide at the age of 24.  This was very difficult for her and us.  Shortly after that she continued to get worse behaviorally and was arrested 3 times for assaulting family members including myself and her sister and threatening to kill her younger brother.  She was on probation all times.  She’s been in treatment since she was 3 years old with little help or support.  She started accusing my husband of physical abuse when she was about 13.  All 3 allegations were unfounded.  She frightened her younger siblings and thus ended up going to live with her dad, where she continues to live today.  I am the person she attacks the most and often makes up distortion campaigns against.  She will tell people that I abused her all of her life, beat her, dragged her down the stairs, etc.  None of which is true.  This was her most recent accusation after being upset that I held her to a decision she made about vacation and she didn’t like it.  She now isn’t talking to me and has blocked me on her phone, that I pay for, and on all social media.  I have no contact with her and my ex-husband is of no help or support.  I’m tired.  And I’m hurt beyond words.  I cry a lot, both for her and for myself.  I don’t know how much more I can take.  I wonder all the time will she ever talk to me again.  Then, will I even want to talk to her.  And when will the next event happen.  It’s so exhausting.  Thank you all for reading my story.  This is the hardest thing in the world.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[By Still Water]

Hello Pugmom,

   My heart goes out to you and your family, for your staggering and  immeasurably painful loss of your son. Moreover, the accusations and plight of your daughter’s BPD. ( I commiserate, about the accusations, as our adult son has hurled them, as well. He’s in his 2nd estrangement from us.)
  We are glad you’ve found us. I’ve received comfort, here, in knowing other parents are walking beside us.
  Are you receiving professional support for your self care?

[Pugmom]

Thank you By Still Water.  I appreciate your kind words.  I'm sorry to hear your experience with your son as well.  I am a psychotherapist and work full-time in my own private practice.  And self-care is often hard as I spend most of my time helping others.  I am in therapy myself and have been for many years.  My mother is BPD as well, which has left it's own scars and we have no relationship.  I try hard to remind myself that my daughter, and mother, are ill and can't help what they do.  But it doesn't make it easier.  I often wonder why me.  Why am I the one they choose to attack?  It's very hard for sure.  I am in a better place than I've been in the past.  I am trying to be more protective of my other two minor children, as their needs have often been put on the back burner to manage a crisis with their older sister.  This has had a great impact on them and isn't fair.  I'm looking forward to learning through this forum as well.  Thank you.

[By Still Water]

Pugmom,

Like you, I had a mom who I think had BPD. I’m guessing it’s genetic. Our BPD son never saw her rage, as they lived in another state. I, myself, am a rather quiet person.  Growing up, my 4 sisters and I could never understand her rages at my passive dad. These were maybe a few a year, but they terrified us. We have our scars. At 21, I experienced her raising a fly swatter to  beat me, because she discovered I had told a friend she disapproved of her. Her eyes had seemed like someone else’s - just terrifying. She had once worked herself up so much that she passed out on the kitchen floor.