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Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
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Topic: Suffering (Read 607 times)
marv1995
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 78
Suffering
«
on:
July 15, 2021, 09:34:32 AM »
Really struggling. My partner and I haven't talked in a few days since he ended the relationship again Sunday evening (for the 8th time in a year and a half). I know he always comes back, but why do I always feel like it's truly the end? It's only been a few days, I know I need to relax. But being codependent with an anxious attachment style doesn't help :/ It's especially hard since it came a few days after I spent the week with his family, meeting new family members that I hadn't met before, him talking about marriage and kids, as well as his MOM talking about marriage and kids between us, and his family saying how much they love me. I spent a few days at his mom's house for the 4th of July holiday. I helped cook, clean, etc. I don't know if this just really scared him or what. We are both fairly young (me 26, him 22).
I've tried to think of some things that might've triggered a split. We went to a restaurant one day and he absolutely hated the food and I noticed he was a little irritated after that. Or could it have been that we spent so much time together and had such a good time and then me having to return to my life and work made him feel abandoned? I didn't let him know that I had made it home safely and I noticed he was also upset at that. I know I'll drive myself crazy trying to figure it out but I can't help it. Argggg! I just want to feel better and I just want to hear from him, but he was pretty convinced he was done for good, which he says every time.
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blackorchid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 421
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #1 on:
July 15, 2021, 10:13:47 AM »
Heu Marv1995 I know exactly how it feels and the narrative you tell yourself: He'll be back, just as before, but then the anxiety of what if this time it won't
As hard as it is you just have to focus on yourself in the interim and do what you can to keep your spirits' high and look after yourself.
In the past, how does this playout...and end?
Sending you my love,
Blackorchid
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marv1995
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 78
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #2 on:
July 15, 2021, 10:29:38 AM »
Quote from: blackorchid on July 15, 2021, 10:13:47 AM
Heu Marv1995 I know exactly how it feels and the narrative you tell yourself: He'll be back, just as before, but then the anxiety of what if this time it won't
As hard as it is you just have to focus on yourself in the interim and do what you can to keep your spirits' high and look after yourself.
In the past, how does this playout...and end?
Sending you my love,
Blackorchid
Always the same cycle. I think the longest we've been split up is about two and a half months. He ends things using different versions of the same excuse and then will come back apologizing saying he didn't mean those things, which I believe that he doesn't mean them. And like an idiot, I take him back. I think my fear is greater this time because before, we used to live in the same apartment complex and I knew that we would see each other regardless. He's moved about 3 1/2 hours away now for work, so I worry this might be it. We have split up twice since being long distance, but the first time was only for a day, and the second time I knew he still had his apartment here where I live so I knew he would be coming eventually to move out. But he's moved out now so everything is uncertain. We've been in a LDR for about 6 months now.
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blackorchid
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 421
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #3 on:
July 15, 2021, 10:56:25 AM »
How long have you been together?
Try not to worry about the distance, although I know how hard that is from my own past experience. Remember, he came back last time due to his feelings for you not about the location.
What have you been doing so far to look after yourself?
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marv1995
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 78
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #4 on:
July 15, 2021, 11:04:44 AM »
Quote from: blackorchid on July 15, 2021, 10:56:25 AM
How long have you been together?
Try not to worry about the distance, although I know how hard that is from my own past experience. Remember, he came back last time due to his feelings for you not about the location.
What have you been doing so far to look after yourself?
We have been together on and off for about a year and a half. I tried thinking back to the times when he would end the relationship and almost every time was when our relationship started to progress or get more serious. Twice was after he spent the weekend with my family, once was when we were supposed to take our first trip together, once when we were about to be intimate for the first time, then twice after I've spent the weekend with his family and gotten closer to them. I know that pwBPD also have fear of engulfment so I'm just wondering if that could be it. I truly believe that he does love me in the only way he knows how, but the push/pull is so anxiety inducing and exhausting.
So far I regrettably haven't been doing much to take care of myself. I've talked to his mom on the phone a few times, he did this in his previous relationship and his dad also did this with his mom. They are both diagnosed bipolar (dad BP1, my partner BP2) as well as both ADHD. She told me "I'm sure he will text you in a week or two, don't make it so easy for him this time." She doesn't quite understand BPD though. When I was spending time with his family a few weeks ago, he went into a fit of rage directed at his mom because she was on the phone with a coworker and not spending time with him. I ended up being able to find the emotion behind the anger and he started sobbing in my arms. I asked him if her being on the phone made him feel abandoned and he said yes. I'm getting a lot better and understanding him but the breakups are something I will never understand or be okay with
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blackorchid
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 421
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #5 on:
July 15, 2021, 12:53:56 PM »
Maybe take some time to read up on BPD and fear of engulfment.
What can you do to take care of you in the upcoming days?
I feel you with people not understanding BPD
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marv1995
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 78
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #6 on:
July 15, 2021, 01:03:43 PM »
I'm having a pizza/movie night with some friends tonight so that will be nice! I made an appointment to get my nails and toes done on Saturday, so that will be a nice treat as well. Unfortunately I find myself pretty isolated from the people closest to me when it comes to my relationship because they just don't understand. I don't blame them, but it's hard to go to any of the people in my life for support. That's what led me here.
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Voudou
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
Posts: 24
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #7 on:
July 15, 2021, 01:49:44 PM »
I am in exactly the same position right now my friend. I always fear what if this is it. My friends are tired of dealing with this, not that I blame them. I feel like no one really can understand unless they are in the trenches here.
It is difficult to understand and I hope that this is a short split. It has only been a few days but I know what a few months feel like and what it does to me.
What am I doing differently? Well, the pain is the same but I wrote down qualities that I found myself exhibiting when this happens and I am planning on working on each one either via therapy or an app like moodgym. I know this disorder is not going anywhere and I need to harden myself when this happens and not become a needy blubbering mess.
Please just try and take care of yourself and keep posting!
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marv1995
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Complicated
Posts: 78
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #8 on:
July 15, 2021, 02:17:36 PM »
Hey Voudou,
I have also made an appointment with a therapist that specializes in treating loved ones of those with BPD and NPD. This is the first time I've taken a step like this so I am really excited. I've been in therapy before, but never with a therapist that specializes in cluster B personality disorders. I just finished reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and it made me feel so validated, it even mentioned the constant breaking up. I also just ordered a journal so I can start tracking his triggers and splits. I also become very needy which I know pushes them away when they are in this type of mood, so that's why I've just left him alone. I so desperately want to reach out to him though.
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blackorchid
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 421
Re: Suffering
«
Reply #9 on:
July 15, 2021, 03:21:25 PM »
That's amazing you've started therapy
You should feel very proud. I too have finally started it, I've been with my uBPD since 2005 so you're def doing better than I was.
Journalling is a good idea too, I may copy that! Thanks for the idea.
I want to message mine so much but I'm scared too so know exactly how you feel.
Exactly the same here with you and Voudou, friends and family sick of it and telling me to just delete him from my life, this is your chance, he's left anyway! Whereas I'm here day after day sick with worry. It's horrible isn't it because we need their love, support and understanding more than ever. Think you're right Voudou, you have to be in the trenches of it to understand... Thank goodness for this site.
Quote from: Voudou on July 15, 2021, 01:49:44 PM
It is difficult to understand and I hope that this is a short split. It has only been a few days but I know what a few months feel like and what it does to me.
What am I doing differently? Well, the pain is the same but I wrote down qualities that I found myself exhibiting when this happens and I am planning on working on each one either via therapy or an app like moodgym. I know this disorder is not going anywhere and I need to harden myself when this happens and not become a needy blubbering mess.
Please just try and take care of yourself and keep posting!
I'm 7 weeks into my split now so I know how hard it is. I hope both of yours gets resolved soon.
I like the idea of writing down qualities that we're exhibiting now and making a plan to work on them, I'll copy that and the moodgym too. Thank you for the tip
Quote from: marv1995 on July 15, 2021, 01:03:43 PM
I'm having a pizza/movie night with some friends tonight so that will be nice! I made an appointment to get my nails and toes done on Saturday, so that will be a nice treat as well. Unfortunately I find myself pretty isolated from the people closest to me when it comes to my relationship because they just don't understand. I don't blame them, but it's hard to go to any of the people in my life for support. That's what led me here.
Enjoy your pizza night, you deserve it! And mani/pedi sounds perfect.
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