Throughout the entire relationship there were so many red flags that I ignored. Literally the night I met her she told me she had been through 3 therapists in the last 2 years. I just kept smiling. I was so attracted to her -- she’s incredibly beautiful. She told me that she was “crazy” but that I wasn’t allowed to use that term.
The night of our first date she kept saying things like, “Why do you like me?”
Later she said, “You’re so great. You’re not scared of anything.”
She would call me smart, humble, funny -- all the things I wanted to be seen as. She would kiss me passionately.
I couldn’t help but want more, she made me feel so good. And I think, at least for a while, I made her feel good, too.
After reading so many posts on this forum, I realize how similar my experience is to others. She was idealizing me. She was mirroring my personality by telling me she had similar interests to me. She knew exactly the things I wanted to hear -- and of course, the huge dilemma of all of this is: How much of what she said and did was genuine? I’d like to think a good amount of it, but there’s no way to be sure.
The entire relationship was a bit strange, as it started the last month of college, and I was going back to the west coast after graduation, so in a very literal sense, I was going to “abandon” her no matter what, even though I really liked her at the time and would’ve wanted to stay in touch. For me, the fact that I was going home didn’t mean it was the end forever between us, it was just a fact of life. But now I understand someone with BPD may have interpreted this differently.
But these first few weeks with her, as I said, were absolutely fantastic. The sex was the best sex I’ve ever had. Our dates were so fun. It felt like we had such good conversational chemistry and that we were so compatible. It felt like we understood each other so deeply.
Even in the beginning, she would sometimes randomly distance herself (like respond less frequently to my texts, or say she was stressed and couldn’t talk). But she would always come back, so I didn’t concern myself with it too much at the time, because I didn’t want to be controlling or suspicious. I figured it was totally fine for her to do what she wanted -- I didn’t own her, after all.
On one of the first nights we spent together she told me she didn’t like herself. I thought it was ridiculous -- because all I saw was this beautiful, passionate, exciting, intelligent girl. And I responded, “You should like yourself,” in a sincere tone. I didn’t see someone who was really hurting. I was blinded by love.
She even later told me she had once been diagnosed with BPD by an old psychologist. The way I reacted probably didn’t help. I think I just said, “What?” in a confused tone. She then said, “But I don’t see that psychologist anymore, I think he’s wrong.” I agreed with her, not knowing much about the disorder, it sounded way too serious to describe her behavior.
She also told me she was in dialectical behavioral therapy, which I now understand is traditionally used to treat BPD. I didn’t connect the dots at the time. I held myself back from researching BPD and DBT because I didn’t want to try and “fix” her or “save” her. It felt like a rabbit hole I didn’t want to enter.
Anyway, I didn’t realize that BPD’s whole thing is a “fear of abandonment”, and as I said, our whole relationship was constructed around abandonment, in some sense, as I was going home once college ended and she was staying in the area. Oddly enough, she once said, “Does the fact that there’s an end date to this relationship make it better? Like, more exciting?” and I was like, “What? No.”
After many more fun dates and fun nights together, things suddenly took a turn for the worse. On the day of graduation, she invited me to dinner with her parents, which I took as a sign she really liked me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make the dinner because I was celebrating graduation with my closes friends r outside of town. I told her I wanted to go, but once she told me the reservation time, I realized I wouldn’t be able to get back in time to change and take a shower. But she was a bit pushy about it -- she told me I could come in what I was wearing, that the place was casual. I looked it up, it wasn’t casual. I didn’t want to go to dinner with her parents wearing a bathing suit and flip flops, so I politely explained my situation and said I wouldn’t be able to make it.
She then said she wanted to see me at a party that night. I agreed that it sounded like a fun idea. She told me she’d be at a certain party and I said I would find her there later that night.
As the night began, I was texting her, updating her about my plans. I asked her to keep me posted about what she was doing. I got no response.
I went to this other party with my closest guy friends for a while, but then got bored. I wanted to see her. She still wasn’t responding to my texts. It was bizarre, but I didn’t read too much into it at the time. I found my way to the party she was at and once I finally found her I could tell something was off. We didn’t kiss each other upon finding each other, it was just a hug. Then she began moving about the party, having dramatic conversations with everyone she knew in her path. I wasn’t really in the mood to meet a bunch of strangers on my 3rd to last night of college, so I let her do her thing.
But I was getting impatient. She was being so elusive. She was clearly avoiding me, and ignoring my texts. I then saw her in the front hall of the house talking to some guy. He was clearly hitting on her. She was letting him hit on her. I’m not one to create conflict or compete for girls, so I went outside. At that point I was frustrated, confused, and hurt.
Why invite me to dinner with her parents and tell me she’d love to see me at a party only for her to ignore and avoid me all night? It was beyond my comprehension.
After hanging outside for a bit with the people smoking on the front porch I decided I’d go back inside and try to find her one more time. It was already 2am. Her friends were in the basement dancing. I asked, “Where is [my ex]?” They said, “Oh, she went home. She was super drunk.” I was so confused and hurt. She invited me to this party, ignored me, and then went home without saying goodbye?
I texted her once more. No response. I called her. Nothing. At this point I was livid. I was so angry at her. I was angry at myself for trusting her and for giving her so much of myself. This night seemed to reveal a part of her that I never knew existed. Perhaps it was the “real” her.
On the walk back to my place I was cursing under my breath, practicing what I would tell her the next day.
I woke up, still angry. I see two texts from her sent at 3:45am, “Yoo I’m so drunk.” “Just got home.” So she hadn’t left the party. Great. Who knows what she was doing at that party so late. Perhaps hooking up with that guy I saw her flirting with? Possibly.
I texted back, “call me when you can,” and then went on a run to try and clear my mind. She responded when I got back saying, “yaaa facetime?” I agreed.
Once we started the facetime call she was acting so strange. She was completely expressionless. She showed no emotion. I said something like, “so last night… what happened?” She was dodging my questions, telling me “I don't want anyone to change me” -- as if what she did was my fault. I was clearly in distress on the facetime call, but I was trying to keep my cool. I told her I was upset, but the fact that she was showing no regret, no remorse, and no emotion made me less comfortable saying everything I wanted to say. I didn’t want to be hurt further -- I didn’t know what to do. She even bluntly said, “Yeah, you deserve better than me.” I didn’t know how to
PLEASE READing respond. She was drilling a hole in my heart.
She had slept over the night before at my place. We had cuddly, intimate sex. She had left her phone charger and watch at my place, so she ended this facetime call by saying, “oh yeah, could you drop my watch and phone charger off at my place when I get back?” I said, “yeah sure.” And then she added, “And it won’t be anything… sexual…” and I was like “Yeah I get it.”
And so I figured that was the end. I began processing it, letting myself feel the anger and sadness of the bad end to the relationship. Talking to my friends about it. It made me so anxious. It was such a horrible feeling -- it felt like something was eating away at my insides. But I was confident I would get through it and put her in the past. If she was going to treat me this way, I shouldn’t be with her, no matter how beautiful I think she is.
But when I get to her house later that night with her watch and phone charger, SHE’S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON. She’s suddenly acting all sweet and cute, acting flirty towards me, being nice. She invites me inside. I was so confused, and sort of disgusted. I couldn’t look at her. I didn’t like that she was suddenly being nice to me, ignoring what had happened the night before and what had happened during the facetime. We go up to her room where I drop off her stuff.
I could tell she suddenly wanted me again, but wasn’t going to throw myself at her, as if everything is good, so I kept playing it cool.
She suggests we go on a walk to get cigarettes. I agree. Once we start walking she starts playfully touching my arm. I literally stop walking, turn to her and say, “[Ex], I thought we were done.” She timidly mumbles, “oh yeah okay…”
The conversation we have is pretty casual and boring. Everything between us felt tense, but I remained calm, cool, and collected. On the walk back from the convenience store she suggests we take a longer route. She suddenly bursts out, “I don’t like pretending that everything’s normal!”
Then, for some reason, I touch her arm and kiss her. I’m not sure why. I was feeling a combination of anger toward her and affection toward her. But I didn’t want to give into one of her whims, so I left it at just a kiss. I was so confused about everything, and so hurt that she didn’t even acknowledge her erratic behavior.
Anyway, we had one last phone call the next day because I felt bad and wanted to end on better terms. It was once again an unproductive conversation, where I tried to tell her, “I was always there for you, and you weren’t.” She simply agreed and that was that. She thanked me for trying, for being understanding, etc. And that was that.
I was absolutely heartbroken. I felt used, betrayed, and duped. I couldn’t understand how someone could treat someone so well, be so affectionate and passionate, and then do a complete 180. It was beyond my understanding of human nature.
I’m still in a lot of pain. It's been about 1.5 months since the end, but I feel like my whole world and understanding of love and relationships is being challenged. I’d expect that any decent, empathetic person would offer me an explanation for what happened, so I recently broke no contact and texted her, saying I was grateful for the good moments, appreciate that she opened up to me and was vulnerable with me, but then I said I’d be really appreciative if I could hear her take on the end. She hasn’t responded, of course.
It’s nice to hear I’m not alone. Any consolation / kind words / advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
