Hello, New Here

[marzipan67]

I am new here. I have an adult child with BPD, who is causing me a great deal of emotional pain. Her latest behavior is to use my 3 y/o grandchild as a tool to punish me.

I am severely down at the moment, unable to stop crying. I don't know how much more of this I can stand. She called me last Saturday, put my grandchild on the phone, and set up a situation where I was unable to spend time on the phone with her as she had called at an awkward time. I of course couldn't make a three year old understand, since it was her mother who had dialed the number, with no warning. I tried to promise to call back the next day and make it video chat, but she was crying, and my daughter then triumphantly came on the phone to say my granddaughter would never, ever talk to me again. It turned ugly, and I hung up.

I hope I am making sense, and I hope to find support here because I feel as if I am going to break down. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

I’m relatively certain that this will not be helpful to you in any way but this made me so angry for you that I feel compelled to say that if a child of mine ever did that to me I’d never speak to her again and simply progress to mourning the situation. But I’m getting really good at compartmentalizing and tricking my brain into believing my son is actually just some person I once knew

[marzipan67]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I am comforted by your response! Being the mother of an adult BPD is hard for outsiders to understand, and I am finding less and less support as the years go by. What you said about your son being someone you once knew, rings so true. I try to compare this awful, cruel person to the sweet little girl that I breast fed as an infant, risked my life to save from her abusive father, and fearful of more abuse from other men, I stayed single to raise her in safety, by myself. At times I question if she is really the same person!

[Leaf56]

Yes, yes! It never ceases to amaze me that these kids just flippantly ignore our sacrifices, denying ourselves love to protect them, spending every waking nonworking with them, holding them, lovin them, worrying about them, advocating for them at school, etc. etc. Our loving parenting knew no bounds, and then it’s answered by this utter crap, thrown at us with no regard whatsoever. It has got to be THE most incongruous thing that has ever or will ever happen to us. It makes no sense and leaves us reeling with the complete inability to even begin to comprehend why it’s happening.

[marzipan67]

You are so right! I have officially begun mourning. She has been living under an assumed name (God knows why!) and when I told her that she wouldn't be able to collect my insurance money when I pass on unless she gets this straightened out, she refused. So I am making my husband my beneficiary and it will be up to him to pass anything on to her if he survives me.

It breaks my heart that she has had two children taken from her by CPS. When the first one was born, I offered to take her until my daughter could get on her feet. She promptly informed CPS that I was an abusive mother and they wouldn't let me take my own grandchild. She is now adopted by strangers who won't even bother to keep in touch. The next child, a boy, was taken from her in the hospital. I don't know what she did to get them to act so quickly, but don't even have a picture of him. He was adopted as well. This is the third grandchild and I have decided to distance myself. If this one is taken, I don't want to know!

[Leaf56]

Absolutely horrifying! I am so so sorry and otherwise speechless! Distancing yourself is truly the only way.

[marzipan67]

What I would like to know is if anyone else has decided to go "no contact" with a close family member, and how did you get through it? All is quiet now, but I am dreading the inevitable drama if I continue to ignore her, the inevitable smear campaign, etc. Could someone direct me to the appropriate posts that might show me that others have been successful at this painful step? I am having a little trouble navigating this site. Thanks!

[Leaf56]

I created a thread asking that same question:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349941.0

The only people who responded were losttrust, swimmy, and rev, none of whom indicated that they've ended contact although swimmy said he was currently estranged but he made it sound like it would be temporary.

[marzipan67]

Thanks, I just posted there. I gather this forum isn't too active?

[Leaf56]

Doesn’t seem that way.

[marzipan67]

Well, I appreciate your responses! Just looking for support and feedback as l navigate this difficult decision. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Yeah, right there with you!

[Huat]

I will jump in here to say that I have gone "no contact" with my 55 year old (suspected BPD) daughter and now also with a grandchild who is 30.  Our other grandchild just shuns us.

As you can figure out from those numbers, I am well up in age...and that fact has made me worry about my safety as the verbal/written abuse from both of them has escalated.  Could physical abuse follow?  Maybe not...but...maybe.  I have now made contact with a Senior advocacy group that intervenes when there is elder abuse, so I will be visible.

Our daughter first ran away when she was 12 and what has followed could be written into a best seller.  My husband and I helped bring up her children (different fathers) as she bounced between relationships, custody battles, money woes (that we would take care of).   As her moods swung between loving the two of us...or hating me...we lived in fear of being separated from those little loves-of-our-lives.  We loved those little grandchildren...and they loved us...but they soon learned to model her behaviours towards us.  They were not taught to respect because our daughter showed no respect.

I can hear your pain, Marzipan67, because I have lived it.  With that said, I have not had to live through seeing my grandchildren adopted out.  My heart goes out to you!

I want you to know that my healing has been (IS) a process...well better referred to as a work-in-progress.  I don't know if a mother can truly forget their child.  I will never stop loving mine nor my grandchildren...but...like them?  Not so much...well...not at all!

Participating in this forum started me towards the healing.  It is true that it is sometimes more quiet than at other times but I urge you to continue.  You need to have your story heard and you need to be validated.  You have already gotten a taste of that in this thread you started.  Leaf56 is being so supportive.  Remember, too, that it can make you feel good when you reach out to others who write in.

From one Mom to another...a ((HUG).    There can be sunnier days ahead if work towards letting them happen.   Hopefully I can help you bring them on.

Huat

[marzipan67]

Thank you for your words, I really appreciate them. I so needed to hear these stories from others who have walked this path. The sad thing is that I have to be very selective about who I share this sorrow with, because there folk who cannot begin to relate to what we in these forums go through. They will respond in ways that are not validating; wondering how I could "turn my back" on my daughter.

I also agree that you know that you will always, always love them, but not like them at all. My mother also suffered from BPD, and I bear the scars. Now, if I allow it to continue, I will add to them through my daughter and eventually my granddaughter, if she isn't removed from that home. Even so, I have been robbed of what most grandmothers look forward to. It has become a source of pain.

[Huat]

Hello again, Marzipan67.

Stumbling upon and then starting to participate in this forum literally saved my life.  I cringe now when I remember the dark hole I had fallen into.   I thought "heartache" was just a word used in songs.  Seems not because my heart was actually hurting.

I so agree with you that one has to be selective with whom one shares their sorrows.  There is an art to listening and part of that is letting the other person know they are being heard...reflecting back to them in a conversation.   There have been times when I so needed to pour out my heart, would start to tell my tales of woe to a dear friend, only to be met with silence.   In their defence, that friend probably just didn't know how to respond...their life experiences nothing like mine.  The silence that followed was hurtful, embarrassing...for both of us.    Now I try to remember to listen to others as I would have them listen to me.

So, I find this forum a few years back, I put my fingers on the keyboard and let them fly and I cried tears of relief.  There was no holding back.   Then came the first post of support...the feedback that validated me...that soothed me.  The more support I got, the more empowered I became to start on changes that had me in mind...ME!   As I have written before, though, I am a work-in-progress...the key word being..."progress"!

While I am not in crisis-mode, I have this feeling that it might be good for me to go back to counselling... for a bit (or more?).   If at all possible, I urge you to do the same.  With that said, I will continue being part of this caring community.

Here is to more and more of your days sprinkled with more and more smiles.

Huat

[Swimmy55]

Thoughts on estrangement:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296973.0

[marzipan67]

Thanks for the estrangement link. It is very validating to read these posts!