Step mom 2 my son

[Soon2bsonsstepmo]

My son's father is engaged to a woman with BPD she has made it very clear she hates me and there will be no contact with me she has said on many occasions he was going to be with her he would choose and he chose her over our 5 year of being best friend/coparents. She rubs it in whenever she wants says and dose whatever she wants to me and when I start to set her straight my son's father believe everything she says like I was the one doing all the things she was doing to me to her. So she literally degrades me and puts me down and anything to make herself feel better but then when she tells him what's going on she makes it seem like I'm the one who's doing all of that to her and he believes her every time without even asking me. She has threatened our son before because if we didn't have a son together I would be absolutely no part of his life I need to be dead or my son needs to be dead so she can have him to herself. My son's father sees no harm in that statement that is seriously like she has him brainwashed like he's a cult member of hers. My son hasn't seen his father for more than 5 hours at a time since she started dating him 8 months ago they're engaged to be married and she rubs it in any chance she can. I'm almost to the point where I'm going crazy just having to deal with all of it but yeah I'm still trying to co-parent with my son's father and getting absolutely nowhere it's always an argument I refuse to co-parent with her I refuse to let her make the decision for our son. I know this is long there's more but I'm just wondering does anyone else out there have to deal with this is your child's step parent someone with BPD please help me understand I want to protect my son I want him to have a relationship with his father and honestly someday I would like to have a relationship with her if that's who he chooses to be with and have her understand that I do not want him in that way I want him to be my son's father that's it again sorry this is so long I hope yeah I hope I can get some help cuz my son needs his daddy back

[kells76]

Yup, it's a doozy when your child's other parent chooses to partner with a disordered person. It's a really difficult dynamic. My husband's kids' mom (who has BPD traits, though not diagnosed) quickly remarried to his former best friend... ugh... who has strong NPD traits. When a stepparent telegraphs "your parent is replaceable" to the kids, even if it's not explicit, that's really hurtful and unhealthy.

The "flipping" who is doing the "bad stuff" ("it's not me who is being awful, it's you") sounds classic BPD, as does the brainwashing vibes and the overstepping boundaries. It's incredibly exhausting dealing with all the dysfunction.

Am I tracking correctly, that she is focusing most of her energies on "possessing" your ex? That the "he will choose her not you" refers to your ex? I.e., she is not saying this about your son -- she is not saying "your son will choose me as a mom over you, his real mom"? So your son is kind of getting ignored at Dad's right now, because all the energy is between your ex and his new partner?

As weird as it sounds, at least for your son's sake, that is a little better if she is focusing on your ex. What that means is that your son isn't necessarily being put in a "loyalty bind" where he has to pick "her or you". So, he won't have that tension in his relationship with you, and you can be a secure place for him to ride this out.

How old is your son? Has he communicated anything (verbal, behavioral, etc) about how he feels about what's up at Dad's?

Lots of question... last one... what's your personal support system like? Individual counselor or therapist? Having good support is critical in these long-haul interactions with pwBPD (people with BPD). As you well know, when it's just two adults breaking up, they can be done, but when kids are involved, the interactions last for years. The more of a support system you can build, the better.

Check in whenever works for you;

kells76

[Soon2bsonsstepmo]

Hello thank you for getting back to me and having me read that like I had to deal with another episode yet today my son is 3 next month he realizes his dad is not around anymore he asks me if that new girl is his new mommy because he has met her once with me and she introduced herself my ex did not introduce her she came running to my son and told him that she was going to be his new mommy and I corrected her and said no you're going to be his stepmom and she said we'll see about that someday I told my ex that she was not allowed to be around him after that and she hasn't been he actually did put his foot down on that one and he corrected her as well stating no that's mom your step mom she just said well I'll be his new mom and walked away. My son and I both see therapists every week he used to go twice a week I still go twice a week I'm also recovering addict I have that support system in na for 4 years now I don't know if it's really difficult every time I restricted number comes across my phone or every time I hear a loud car or every time my ex calls me in the middle of the night I know they're fighting when he calls me when he wants to get away and he needs a safe spot to go he used to come here but I told him he couldn't do that anymore he was not allowed to because that just invited her here and I am not okay with that because our son needs a safe environment to grow and be nurtured in I mean I'm sure she can be a great person she has no counseling she refuses to go to her therapist anymore cuz her therapist is trying to change her mind is what she says I don't know some days I just want to cut off all communication with my son's father and walk away from me the whole situation and some days I have to for my own sanity other days I want to move to the mountains and not tell anyone where I'm going I just really wish if she wanted that with my ex and she wanted to be a family and she wanted to be part of my son's life I should go to therapy and get help and learn how to manage the disease

[ThanksForPlaying]

NA is based on some of the same ideas that are recommended for BPD treatment.  Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one area of overlap.  One of the most important ideas is that we CAN control our own thoughts.  Both addicts and pwBPD often use the excuse that "you made me mad" or "you made me drink/use".  The excuse is that outside forces are responsible for our thoughts and actions.  It's certainly not EASY, but one of the main takeaways from CBT is that we actually CAN direct our brain in positive ways, and change our thoughts at a physical, biological level.  It's really interesting science.  We can choose how we react to things, which eliminates 90% of the excuses ("I had no choice but to rage/drink").  That's not a fun idea for addicts and pwBPD to accept, because it means we are responsible for our own behavior.  This is also why treatment often fails at this point - it's just too difficult to accept for some people.

Anyway, sorry you're having to deal with this disordered stepmom.  I'm glad you have that NA support system - in some ways, a pwBPD is just someone who is addicted to conflict/chaos/rage. Hang in there and keep posting.