Increasing Support w/o Changing Custody

[scraps66]

Back in June me and exuBPDNPDw went to support court to remove S18 from the order.  We get in there, I have my L and mother is pro se.  As usual I am on edge leading up to the hearing.  The beginning goes smoothly. However, then ex produces some bills for activities that she wants me to help pay for.  50/50 legal and physical custody.

This was June, somewhere around April I had tried to enforce some rules with our S16 at my house.  At this point S16 has taken to lying and manipulating situations to his advantage.  He spent two unsuccessful weeks at a rehab facility at the beginning of March (vaping and smoking) and was discharged after two weeks for getting into a fight.  So I went and got him, four hour drive on short notice.  He comes back and eventually is back to his old ways.  On this night he flees to mothers and has been there ever since.  He doesn’t answer his phone when I call, and mother has my number blocked on her phone so I can’t reach him through her.  S16 is with mother because he can do whatever he wants, his grades plummeted, he’s still testing positive for cannabis, he’s quit football and mother is……..helping him get his driver’s license.  I objected to that to no avail.

In the last year I had learned, mother had been drinking in the evenings on a regular basis.  In many cases passing out and not keeping track of S16.  Several nights I found him late night at a park inside the city limits some 10 miles from home, bad neighborhood, and then caught him walking home after 11pm.  Mother knew nothing of his whereabouts.  Have photos of S16 smoking in mother’s house when she’s asleep.  Many other instances of mom not knowing where S16 is.  I have gone to child youth services for help but they are reluctant claiming this is a custody issue since there is an order in place.

Golf lessons at the June hearing.  Mother produces a bill for golf lessons and wants me to pay.  She indicated looking into lessons for S16, but never confirmed a time or the expense of the lessons.  This has been repeated many times.  Mother puts things in motion and then expects me to pay without giving me all the details.  So I don’t pay.  I also say during the hearing – I had already paid for a series of lessons just as mother had.  I didn’t ask for payment as at the time S16 was not getting along with mother.  So ex has to ask the hearing officer what to do with the activities, how to pay for them?  This is odd, it has always been known how activities are split – but mother always tries to maneuver to have me pay for all, or discuss with the children beyond the point of no return and then inform me of what’s going on.  Maybe activities scheduled in a way that I cannot attend.  Golf lessons is odd, when I was paying for the lessons, and I had lessons scheduled in advance on mother’s days, she would cancel the lessons.  Now she schedules the lessons and takes S16.  So she’s eliminated my satisfaction.

So I eventually give her money, some of which is for ambulance service for S16 when he tried to run from the rehab facility.  $960 is my portion.  I deduct expenses for therapy sessions for S16 where mother didn’t take him and I was charged $150 cancellation fee as my card is the method of payment.

Ex e-mails me saying she got the money, but highlights that I didn’t pay for the golf lessons.  I tell her why, she retorts that she’s filed an appeal.  I get the appeal, assume she’s just asking for the golf lessons, then I look at it, she’s asking for the support to be corrected as if she has 100% custody of S16.  I needed to be punished for what I did. 

I’ve asked my L and she claims domestic relations could give her that money based on the circumstances without her going to the custody master and amending custody.  She says either fight it at the hearing, or file for contempt of the custody order cuzz mother is keeping S16 from me.

I’m polling the BPD people if anybody has dealt with this and what was the outcome.  In my experience, the outcome has to do with the hearing officer.  In the past I have been denied legitimate credits in support for no other reason than “I can’t do that”.  In June the hearing officer seemed a little annoyed with ex as she had cut him off a number of times and she was corrected each time for not listening.   

[ForeverDad]

I can't vouch for what the court may do.  When I first filed contempt of court petitions court either looked as though "why can these two parents get along" or it went super-fair and bent over backwards for some way to let the mother off the hook.

I too filed a few "parking tickets" (contempt motions).  I was so surprised that what seemed clear to me got sidelined by my ex or the court used it's own version of common sense.

Example 1:  I filed for some issue.  Well, my cell phone had died the Friday before our court hearing because of dampness on a canoe outing, so I left a greeting on the cell phone to call my house number instead until I got it replaced on Wednesday, the day before my hearing.  Ex left angry messages she wanted to speak to her son yet never called the house phone.

I recall back in 2009 when the magistrate said, "No time is left for this hearing but I'll fix ex's complaint now {she couldn't reach son during prior weekend, my cell had died but my house phone worked fine}.  Phone calls must occur every 8:00-8:30 pm."  Well, that short circuited many group activities, movies at theaters, games at parks, etc. We lived with that for 4 years until another magistrate decided that was too easy to use as a control weapon.

Example 2:  I filed that ex had skipped town with son without any vacation notice.  They were states away before I found out.  Well, the final decree had just been issued.  Court ruled against me stating the order was too new to allow compliance by advance notice?  (Edit: It ruled ex had an "inabilty to comply".)  But ex hadn't given me any notice.  Court also ignored that she didn't comply with the ended divorce temp order, presumably court policy is to ignore any ended order?  Two orders without compliance yet I had no basis to complain?

The next time I filed for custody and majority time in a Change of Circumstances petition.  It was granted to move forward and a Guardian ad Litem (GAL - child's lawyer) was chosen.

Eventually though, as in my case after the first few years, the court should be able to see which parent is the problem and which parent is the one seeking solutions.  As if.

There are less than two years left where the court can order parenting solutions.  Equal time isn't working, she has enabled son to "vote with his feet".  Problem is, too often the courts are willing to let older teens do that.  You have documented teen problems that favor you getting parenting improved.  The clock (really, the calendar) is against you.

I tend to favor seeking temporary custody and majority parenting time schedule immediately, reduced if any child support for ex and then let the months-long case continue.  I fear that filing and then waiting for the case to play out over the next year will just enable the status quo to continue and then the case would be virtually moot since he will then be so close to adulthood and age out of the juvenile and domestic court system.

[kells76]

Do you think she is trying the "you owe me directly for half of golf lessons" angle because she is no longer receiving (at least, I assume) child support for S18?

[scraps66]

Do you think she is trying the "you owe me directly for half of golf lessons" angle because she is no longer receiving (at least, I assume) child support for S18?

I think, simply put, she had a premeditated plan.  She wanted to eliminate the satisfaction of me taking S16 to golf lessons, and on top of that have me pay for the lessons.  I didn't cooperate, she didn't get her way which to a narcissist is like death, and I needed to be punished.  She knows well that she wouldn't be able to survive a hearing in front of the custody master.  In June she was dressed in a hoodie and yoga pants - victimwear.

Also what she's been throwing at me, given her interference over the years with my parenting and parenting time with both kids,  S18 became "unparentable" and now S16 is following.  She now tells me, "it's time for you to get involved in their lives, you've 'abandoned your sons'."  Really what she's doing is trying to pawn S18 off on me as she realizes her enabling over the years has backfired and the "image" that it casts over her is just not palatable - for her.

[EyesUp]

Hello Scrapps.

Let's get technical.  What does your divorce agreement or decree say about parenting time, decision making, and financial responsibility for health, education, and extra curriculars?

I ask because it sounds like you need to set some boundaries, but in order to do it effectively, you need to do so within the context of your current obligations.

Trust me when I say that I fully sympathize with your situation, which becomes much harder when trying to navigate through FOG and/or any number of triggering behaviors. I can relate and it's what keeps me up at night, too.

So, let's focus on the facts:
Does the agreement state that you and your ex will share the cost of extra curriculars 50-50?
Does the agreement state who is responsible for the cost when there is no agreement?
Does the agreement state how you are to communicate about decisions that involve your child (email, other)?

I have an idea in mind, but before I write it out I'd like to know if it's relevant and potentially helpful to you based on what's in your agreement.

Hopefully this might be a helpful exercise.

[scraps66]

Let's get technical.  What does your divorce agreement or decree say about parenting time, decision making, and financial responsibility for health, education, and extra curriculars?

So, let's focus on the facts:
Does the agreement state that you and your ex will share the cost of extra curriculars 50-50?
Does the agreement state who is responsible for the cost when there is no agreement?
Does the agreement state how you are to communicate about decisions that involve your child (email, other)?

Pretty weak on all accounts. I do have an Order that states activities will be paid 65/35 between parties - because ex had been abusing this.

Order states mother pays for healthcare.

Order states parenting time on a 50/50 schedule.  Since 2010.

My biggest hurdle is S16 doesn't want to be here because I have rules.  Mother does not and enables his bad behaviors.

[ForeverDad]

I think I see where EyesUp is heading, in part.  I've never before heard of golf lessons being applicable in a custody/parenting order.  I mean I can understand soccer, swim lessons, music instrument lessons, drivers ed, etc ... but golf?

Hopefully mother isn't wanting you to pay for her lessons too.

[kells76]

Pretty weak on all accounts. I do have an Order that states activities will be paid 65/35 between parties - because ex had been abusing this.

Order states mother pays for healthcare.

Order states parenting time on a 50/50 schedule.  Since 2010.

My biggest hurdle is S16 doesn't want to be here because I have rules.  Mother does not and enables his bad behaviors.

Nothing says you have to pay your % to Mom, right?

You could call her bluff by asserting that you will pay your % directly to the Activity Group upon the Activity Group presenting you with a bill for lessons attended. Try calling any activity people ahead of time and see what their policy is -- you can't be the first co-parenter splitting lesson costs for whatever lessons (golf, dance, music, language, anything), and if you offer your plan to them politely, I could see them being like "sure, as long as the bill gets paid within X days of posting, do whatever works".

We ran into that with lessons for SD15 back in the day, where by email we'd agreed that Mom and Stepdad would pay one yearly registration fee plus monthly lesson costs, and Dad and Stepmom would pay for gear and any other special fees. Guess who wasn't paying lesson costs on time (Mom) and guess who got the call about it (me). The lesson providers didn't care who paid -- they cared that they got paid. In a way, that can be freeing, because you know that you did your part and it's documented, and if lessons fall through, it's not on you.

Anyway, it'd be on Mom to complain that... what, you're paying your percent to the indebted party? She's not going to look good if she stands up and is like "I demand that Mr Scraps66 pay me personally ahead of time for S16's limousine driving lessons that I signed him up for for next year, instead of paying the company directly".

While that doesn't solve everything going on, it's a start to showing any courtroom that you are a practical problem solver and aren't obstructing.

[EyesUp]

OK, thanks for the info. 

Here's what I think might be happening.

Your Ex is attempting to control you, or at least make you look bad. She's likely triggered by the fact that, by your own admission, you've ignored her requests to support S16's activities.  And I get why you might do that. But now you're dealing with this conflict in court - presumably in front of a judge or magistrate.

My advice:  Need to compartmentalize a bit. Forget about your Ex - now you need to focus on S16 as well as the judge.

Priority #1 should be S16.  You may or may not agree with how your Ex chooses to do things, but it sounds like you do have an agreement re: payment for activities that you need to honor.

Here's where it gets a little complicated.  If you don't need agree with your Ex's proposed activities, you need to manage your response in a way that makes sense to the court.  Here's the twist:  While it may be perfectly reasonable to ignore your Ex at certain times - and the experts here will remind us that sometimes the best response is no response - you cannot ignore the court.

You are now getting roped into a he-said/she-said dispute in court, where your kids' best interests are going to be the primary focus.

My $0.02.  Pay for the golf lessons.  In fact, pay in full.  Understand that no judge or magistrate is going to entertain lengthy testimony without documentation about simple disputes over small amounts of $.  But they are going to attempt to determine how the kids are doing, and how the parents are contributing.  So you can get back into the driver's seat a bit by actively participating.  Pay for golf, or whatever you feel is best for your son.

Now here's the part that matters for court - it's how you document your own behavior.  You need to send your Ex a Return Receipt Requested letter to document how you are solution focused.  This is key because the court recognizes the Return Receipt letter as admissible evidence.  It carries more weight than an email or a screen capture of a text. 

The letter might say...

Dear Ex,

I'm glad to support S16's participation in golf.
I've paid the full fee, you owe me $% (a copy of the receipt is attached).
Going forward, let's align on these activities in advance.

Thank you,

Scrapps


It's exactly that short, and to the point - this is to ensure that the court will read it and understand it.

It doesn't matter if your Ex accepts the letter or not - the Return Receipt either proves it was delivered, or if she rejects it - you get it back (do not open it - hand it to the court unopened, and it will be entered into your case file).

Next time you're in court for whatever reason, you produce either the return receipt or unopened letter. The court must accept it as evidence.  Unlike a stack of email print outs that cannot be validated without a forensic investigation, the judge will actually read the letter because it's short. This letter clearly documents that you are a solution-oriented person who is trying to cooperate with your Ex to act in your kid's best interest.

Bonus:  It also demonstrates to your Ex that you will enforce boundaries. And now she owes you a little bit of money, which is the side of this argument you want to be on when you're in court...

Yes, it's a nuisance to go to USPS every time you need to communicate with your Ex. It's a much bigger nuisance to appear in court when your Ex has tantrum because you ignored a request.

Consider this a prophylactic measure to document for the court how you behave toward your kids and your Ex.

If you find yourself in a custody dispute, or a support order dispute, a few admissible letters that document how your Ex takes unilateral action, or how she does x, y, or z (or doesn't do a, b, or c), will help the court determine who is the reasonable parent.

Summary:
Since your Ex is bringing you back to court, you need to focus on how to communicate with the court.  Using legally admissible communications with your Ex that also help to enforce boundaries should help to do that.

Does this make sense?  I hope it's helpful.

[scraps66]

I just gave my L the green light to file a motion for contempt of the custody Order.  I feel like I am sitting idle and should be in action - or show action.  I think it will be good for me to be able to say this in the support appeal hearing next Tuesday.  Coincidentally, mother is vacationing out of state with S16 - did not communicate this to me and this is a violation of the shared parenting agreement.

The documentation with receipts is something I had forgotten about.  With the $960 I paid, I never got verification that what I was paying for was actually being paid by ex, or wasn't partially reimbursed to ex.  Ambulance rides and hospital stay for S16 when he ran away from the rehab facility and some out-of-network therapy expenses. 

The support hearing office actually considered including the golf lesson expenses IN the revised support order monthly payment. Puzzling.