I've read a lot that people with bpd are incapable of having empathy.
when it comes to personality disorders, and BPD and NPD especially, the amount of misinformation on the internet is staggering.
people with bpd are, very generally speaking, as capable of empathy as you and i or anyone else is (depending on how capable "anyone else" is).
everyones ability to empathize may be compromised, or, for that matter, overrated.
having said that, people with personality disorders, as a general rule, do struggle with empathy skills, or their ability to empathize may be impaired (in general, or situationally).
for example, everyone struggles to empathize when they are distressed. but a personality disorder makes one more likely to experience distress, and also to have a
lower tolerance for it.
Why People with Personality Disorders Have Poor Empathy Skills
BPD sufferers, or anyone in emotional turmoil are often flooded with conflicted and painful emotions. During times of dysregulation, Borderline Personality sufferers can be so overwhelmed with emotion that they become internally focused, self centered and self absorbed. Often a person with BPD doesn’t have the emotional energy to consider the emotions of others.
Showing empathy isn't so easy when it's an experience we can't relate to.
People suffering from BPD have a problem with poor emotional vocabularies, meaning they find it hard to label and understand - their own feelings - let alone understand others. This inability to understand or accept their own feelings leads to feelings of confusion, shame and self hatred, one of the defining traits of a BPD sufferer. Additionally, a person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder is often not very kind to themselves. They often comfort themselves by dysfunctional means - cutting and self injury are a good examples of dysfunctional soothing.
Even worse, if a pwBPD perceives they are being attacked or criticized by our pain and suffering, or that there is even the possibility of being attacked, their defenses may go into over drive and the attack rather than empathize.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=130485.0For example, if she saw a homeless person on the street, she'd get upset for them and go out her way to give them food or money. One time, I had to stop her giving all the money she had on her to a homeless guy
this might be better thought of as sympathy or compassion, as opposed to empathy skills - the ability of a person to understand the perspective of another, and why they have it. its what most of us are referring to (a lack thereof it) when we describe the brutal breakups we went through.
regarding empathy and whether its situational, or self referential, or deep, or surface level, there are five levels of empathy impairment. people with bpd generally operate somewhere between 1-2 (3 or 4 when you get higher on the spectrum)
Healthy (0) Capable of accurately understanding others’ experiences and motivations in most situations. Comprehends and appreciates others’ perspectives, even if disagreeing. Is aware of the effect of own actions on others.
Mild impairment (1) Somewhat compromised in ability to appreciate and understand others’ experiences; may tend to see others as having unreasonable expectations or a wish for control. Although capable of considering and understanding different perspectives, resists doing so. Inconsistent awareness of effect of own behavior on others.
Impaired (2) Hyper-attuned to the experience of others, but only with respect to perceived relevance to self. Excessively self-referential; significantly compromised ability to appreciate and understand others’ experiences and to consider alternative perspectives. Generally unaware of or unconcerned about effect of own behavior on others, or unrealistic appraisal of own effect.
Very Impaired (3) Ability to consider and understand the thoughts, feelings and behavior of other people is significantly limited; may discern very specific aspects of others’ experience, particularly vulnerabilities and suffering. Generally unable to consider alternative perspectives; highly threatened by differences of opinion or alternative viewpoints. Confusion or unawareness of impact of own actions on others; often bewildered about peoples’ thoughts and actions, with destructive motivations frequently misattributed to others.
Extreme Impairment (4) Pronounced inability to consider and understand others’ experience and motivation. Attention to others' perspectives virtually absent (attention is hypervigilant, focused on need-fulfillment and harm avoidance). Social interactions can be confusing and disorienting.
