BIL the narc now has dementia oh joy...sigb

[Deb]

Haven't been here for a while.  So mucb has happened: first my husband passed, then covid shut down everything.  But that hasn't slowed uNPDBIL in the least. His longtime caregiver (he's disabled) left and no one wanted to step in and help except a few homeless drug addicts. Even is homeless drug addicted son said no. His daughter came from states away to help. And then she got covid which led to heart failure.  He was placed in a nursing home,  but he's now got dementia and he's not getting out. But has that stopped him? Not a chanced. His daughter just got told that he needs to be moved because he's inappropriately touched some of the staff.

[Kwamina]

Hi Deb,

Very sorry to hear about the passing of your husband. My condolences for your loss old friend How are you coping now with this loss?

A lot going on with your uNPDBIL. Do you still have contact with him? When was the last time you saw and/or spoke to him?

It is very concerning what you mention at the end of his daughter being told that he has inappropriately touched some of the staff. Does he have a history of this particular type of inappropriate behavior?

Take care

The Board Parrot

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Deb:
I'm so sorry about all the losses you have had.

It's common for elderly people to do inappropriate touching, especially those diagnosed with dementia.  I remember a few years ago that this topic was out in the open, when the elder ex-president Bush was doing some touching that was construed by some to be inappropriate.

I know that these days, everyone is ultra sensitive about inappropriate touching, comments, etc.  If a care facility that cares for the elderly, and anyone with dementia, doesn't understand that inappropriate touching is a common situation for those with dementia, I'd suspect that those in charge may be lacking in knowledge and training.

It might be necessary for someone to interview some alternate facilities that are well versed on issues for those with dementia and how to manage things like inappropriate touching.  An adequately trained and managed facility would train their staff on what to expect and how to handle patients.  It's not a normal situation, where a mentally sound person (or a competent person with NPD), sexually harasses someone.

The article at the link below may be helpful:
Treatment of Inappropriate Sexual Behavior in Dementia
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4980403/

[Deb]

Hi Kwamina,

I am 18 months out from losing my husband and family has been very helpful and supportive.  My husband was so loved by our families, that they have really surrounded me with love.

 Now his brother is another story. His narcissism really alienated people.  And he has a history of sexist and misogynistic behavior towards women.He has been accused of being inappropriate with women before. And he thinks so highly of himself that he thinks women should fall at his feet to be with him. I have not been to see him, nor have I spoken to him dince December.  I have tried to be very supportive to his daughter because she's such a good hearted person.  He did some awful things to me and my husband over the years so I choose not to speak to him.

Thank you Naughty Nibbler for the mind words and the link. I may share that with my niece.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for your loss of your husband. Take care of yourself.

I would think a nursing home would be able to manage this situation. I also think it isn't uncommon for people with dementia to have such types of behavior. While people are rightly sensitive to this, someone who is confused may not realize what they are doing. People with dementia may think someone else is their spouse if they are confused, or just have poor impulse control. I think it's common for people in nursing homes to accidentally walk into someone's room thinking it is their room. These behaviors would have a different meaning if done by mentally competent people, but in this case, it's due to confusion. I think the staff is able to manage this. They may need to move someone to a different area/space for their own protection and the protection of others, but I doubt this is new to the staff.

[Deb]

Hi Not Wendy,

I don't think his dementia is to the point he doesn't know what he's doing.  He's still able to manipulate people really well. His daughter  and her cousin (who has a master's in psychology) believe that some of what he's doing is to see if they will kick him out of the facility.  In his mind, they believe,  he thinks they will just send him home. That's not happening because he can't take care of himself and the state won't pay for 2 people to provide 24/7 in home care. They will pay for a nursing home. In fact, he's probably being moved to a smaller place that ONLY takes men and only has male attendants.  And his negative advocates are currently blocked from calling and visiting.  The current facility notice that after a call or visit from these two, his behavior is worse. They keep telling him they will work on getting him home so his daughter can care for him like she "promised." She did no such thing,  but he has convinced them she did and those two believe his lies. I'm just super glad that his social worker, his caseworker,  his elder advocate and the facility are all on the same page. I don't wish him ill, but I have zero sympathy because I know all the horrible things he's done to people.  Including me and my late husband. 

I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year and that was at my husband's memorial.  He had dementia then but was still at home. I don't answer his calls because I know he'll try and manipulate me. In one phone call he tried to get me to call the police on the facility he was in. He calls 911 when he's having a temper tantrum.  He used to run over his daughter's feet with his power wheelchair
 when he was angry and then call 911 and say she threatened him.  And he would admit to her that he deliberately ran over her. That chair was taken from him because  he harmed staff where he's at.

Ok, rant off. Sometimes I just get upset. His daughter is one of the best people you could meet. But he had no involvement in her upbringing.  He had no use for daughters.