It's all out of the bag.

[Couper]

My mother-in-law came to stay a few days.  I could have it worse, but we only get by in a tolerable fashion.  This morning my son was at the kitchen table with me doing his math and her sitting next to him reading her phone, yet I think observing.  I was being patient and helping him process (and witnessed something for the first time that I think may be a form of dyslexia) but he was starting to melt and I asked him to take a break go upstairs to get himself together.

Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but I used the episode as an opportunity to open my MIL's eyes (which she has witnessed the pure form of the math anger from her daughter during this visit already) and I told her that he needs help from the outside and that her daughter is the roadblock to this and that it is her daughter's narcissism with being more concerned about how she will be viewed for seeking help than she is her son failing.

It's wasn't adversarial and she did acknowledge "I know she has problems but as an adult all I can do is {fill in the blank}, so I figured what he hell, let's go beyond math because she is at the root of this whole thing.  See, I learned only a couple of years ago that what is likely the root of my uBPDw's issues is that as a child she was molested by her pot smoking uncle while sleeping over at her grandparent's house.  She did the exact right thing and went to the adults and they did what good catholics in the 1980's did... they dismissed the child and covered for the uncle.  Unless this whole thing is cooked up too (which the mother did not deny this morning when I brought it up), she has left voluminous writings on the topic that span decades.  I did not enter the equation until 20 years after this incident.

So, go for the gusto, right?  There is nothing left to lose here.  She was being reflective while at the same time starting to blame her daughter's problems partly on me for being "unloved".  I said, "and why do you think that is?  Might that be a response to her behavior?" and it was like a light went off and I laid out a couple of instances.  I told her that "she is abusive and the world only believes what they are told and they never see what goes on inside these walls".  I told her that I am nothing but a tool that she uses to garner victim status and cited the marriage counseling that I agreed to and she killed as soon as she could no longer use it as her "we're headed for divorce if you don't do it" victim card.  Interestingly enough, she used the excuse that my wife started handing out -- "but how will you pay for it?", told her that paying for it was never a problem, paying for it was never a concern until I agreed to it, and I said "how will anything ever improve so long as everybody stands around making excuses for her?"... and that was like another light bulb went off.

While it was being laid out there I just gave her everything.  Told her that there does need to be third-party outside help and the aid of a psychiatric professional and gave her the words that, "it is likely something called Borderline Personality Disorder" hoping that she will remember, go home, look up, and start connecting the dots.  She told me that she did get help from a counselor in college and I asked for how long, she had no idea, but I have good reason to believe it was about two visits.  I told her this can take years of treatment, if it's even fixable at all, and none of it is fixable until the person with the problem wants to do it.  

I touched on the topic of how the outside world is told awful things about me and she said, "She has only ever spoken to me about it.  Nobody else knows" and I said there's your example of another lie.  Friends know, church women know, and she assured me that she was told by her that she only ever told her.  Nope, quite the opposite.  She went to her mother last.  I told her mother, "You are spouting speculation -- I am spouting the truth.  How would you know?  I do know and I have proof. Many people have been told for the last dozen years.  The problem with all of this is that people only believe what they are told." and left her with that to go out and {work?}... well, come here, because now it's another morning where I can't concentrate on my work and all of my mental energy is going to this.  9am and I'm zapped.  At least now I do have a place to come because in the past I just sat her at my desk hammering it into a Word document and filing it away.

Now I don't know what's coming.  I don't fear it and I think her mother is reflective enough that she is probably quiet right now, not blabbing the whole thing to her daughter but, whatever the case, that is outside of my control.  Maybe something will come of it, or maybe she will simply file it away in their overstuffed closet of skeletons that you now have to lean into with your shoulder to get the door to latch.  
    

[LovelyRita50]

Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, but I used the episode as an opportunity to open my MIL's eyes (which she has witnessed the pure form of the math anger from her daughter during this visit already) and I told her that he needs help from the outside and that her daughter is the roadblock to this and that it is her daughter's narcissism with being more concerned about how she will be viewed for seeking help than she is her son failing.

(SNIP)

While it was being laid out there I just gave her everything.  Told her that there does need to be third-party outside help and the aid of a psychiatric professional and gave her the words that, "it is likely something called Borderline Personality Disorder" hoping that she will remember, go home, look up, and start connecting the dots.  She told me that she did get help from a counselor in college and I asked for how long, she had no idea, but I have good reason to believe it was about two visits.  I told her this can take years of treatment, if it's even fixable at all, and none of it is fixable until the person with the problem wants to do it.  

(SNIP)

Now I don't know what's coming.  I don't fear it and I think her mother is reflective enough that she is probably quiet right now, not blabbing the whole thing to her daughter but, whatever the case, that is outside of my control.  Maybe something will come of it, or maybe she will simply file it away in their overstuffed closet of skeletons that you now have to lean into with your shoulder to get the door to latch.  

First, fantastic job at laying your cards on the table! That was brave.

Often, abusive families of origin have unspoken rules that protect abusers and hide problems from outsiders, in order to prevent shame from falling on the family. It seems like your wife's family has such rules. Hell, she's internalized them to the point she'd rather see her son struggle than face the "shame" of seeking help.

Your actions have possibly formed a crack in the stories your MIL tells herself about her family in order to evade responsibility or shame. You probably won't see big changes overnight, but you've given her the first reason to doubt that her family is "OK," that they have problems just like every family, but why air one's dirty laundry?

If you feel comfortable, keep telling the truth in big and small ways. Refuse to adhere to the family rules that cover up the dysfunction. Be the "problem child." Often, it's when a family drags a younger member into therapy, insisting they behave as everyone else has agreed to behave, that true dysfunctions come to light.

Do you have your own therapist? They can be a huge help in identifying dysfunctional family-of-origin patterns and assisting you when you're gaslighted, or other family members try to shove skeletons back in the closet. It's not your job to fix your wife's family, but insight into their behavior could help you better help your son while retaining your own sanity and values about what's right.

[LovelyRita50]

Duplicate post

[ThanksForPlaying]

I'm glad you feel a little relief after that discussion.  I wouldn't expect too much change, and you might even get some blowback eventually, but I certainly don't think it made anything worse.  And if it helped relieve some of your stress, I'm all for it.

You're using a lot of logic and JADEing with MIL.  We all JADE with each other here on the board, because logic helps make sense of the craziness.  Just be aware that there may even be some BPD tendencies in the FOO, and you may not get the expected or desired response from MIL in the long run.  Continue to work on yourself and don't rely too much on bringing others in for help.  As rita noted, there's some FOG going on with the family cover-ups, and it's hard to know how the web of disorder has affected family members over the years.  It's entirely possible they will circle the wagons and push you away even further.

Having said that, looking on the positive side, maybe you have a new ally in your quest for ... truth?  recovery? what is your goal?  It's possible MIL will be a valuable helper for you.

[Couper]

No, I don't expect any genuine change on my uBPDw's part.  She is thoroughly damaged and until she is ready to help herself, she will go nowhere.  None of this was planned.  I didn't know my boy was going to have another meltdown over math this morning, but knowing what my MIL had witnessed earlier in the week and the comments she had made when intervening in some of my wife's outbursts, I knew that she could see a clear contrast that she could not deny and on a whim thought it may be my opportunity to get her to sit her daughter down and tell her that all of this is bigger than her.  Perhaps I should have stopped at that issue and left well enough alone.

In retrospect, knowing my MIL she probably turned around and blabbed the whole discussion to her.  They disappeared downstairs without the kids for a long time this morning.  That is not normal.  If she did, uBPDw will be scrambling to do damage control and later will try to circle her army of select gullible friends that she uses to prop herself up.  As was said, maybe at least it has provided a crack in my MIL's view of the whole situation because through all these years I have never said anything to her and, while her daughter can spoon feed her anything she wants about her relationship with me, she cannot whitewash her taking out her anger on my boy as her supposed form of "teaching".

As to the question earlier -- no, I don't have a therapist.  Probably should.  I don't necessarily feel the need for it.  My free time is little and it's hard for me to get away.  I don' t even know how to pay for something like that without her finding out about it.  It's not the expense, it's concealing it.  If she knew it would just be a whole new problem on my plate.  The money would probably be better spent on a divorce lawyer but I still haven't totally made it to that point yet, either.  Not for inability to detach.  That ship sailed long ago.  She could take off any time she wants so far as I'm concerned if I would get my kids 100%.  I would fear for them greatly if I were not there as a buffer.

As far as getting pushed further away... is that possible?  I don't care.  I'm not co-dependent and I don't need the approval people that cover for a child molester.  Maybe they are ashamed of me?  That's okay. I'm ashamed of them, too.