Seeking advice - Have you tried helping a uBPD loved one to get treatment?

[Koala323]

Hello - I’m curious if anyone here has tried to help a parent get treatment or diagnosed?

A family therapist we had an assessment with has advised that we shouldn’t do family therapy until each parent is individually treated, and my uBPD mom flew off the handle - it’s not the response she wanted.  The document from the therapist is very explicit around addressing anger and violence in the relationships.  My mom asked my opinion, and I said I completely agreed with the therapist’s recommendations and that she had to be willing to address the icky parts of her relationship with Dad before anything else could happen.

How explicit or direct have you been with your family members?  How did being explicit or direct go?  How do we encourage someone who might have BPD to get help? I get that boundary setting is a huge part of it, and I’m doing that.  But, what’s next? My mom is still in the dark about why my dad moved out.  How do we explain it to her?  If she has BPD and is in complete emotional torment, I’d like her to have some relief from the pain/get the answers she’s seeking - it’s almost too much for me to even think about the distress she’s in.

So, have you tried being direct with a loved one? What happened when you did? How long was the journey from you realizing a loved one might have BPD to them hearing you and then maybe, maybe accepting it/getting help?

(Side note - I try to be specific and connect the boundary with her behavior, for example, “when you called me [names] I felt flooded and needed to distance for a day.”)

[Oh Brother]

Hello Koala323,

Hello - I’m curious if anyone here has tried to help a parent get treatment or diagnosed?
...
How explicit or direct have you been with your family members?  How did being explicit or direct go?  How do we encourage someone who might have BPD to get help? I get that boundary setting is a huge part of it, and I’m doing that.  But, what’s next? My mom is still in the dark about why my dad moved out.  How do we explain it to her?
...
So, have you tried being direct with a loved one? What happened when you did? How long was the journey from you realizing a loved one might have BPD to them hearing you and then maybe, maybe accepting it/getting help?

I have suggested to my uBPDs, both lovingly and angrily, that she seek qualified professional treatment.  Obviously when I've suggested it in anger in response to raging behavior of hers, it hasn't worked.   She DARVOs on me (https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineDARVO.html).  But it also hasn't worked when I've suggested it in loving ways.  She doesn't recognize that she has the disorder.  She feels she's already in therapy for other issues - but her family doesn't think the therapist she's seeing is capable of treating such a difficult disorder.

There do appear to be a couple of videos on this topic (how to suggest therapy to a pwBPD) linked from the pinned "Lessons" topic in this discussion group - see https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108307.0.

[Notwendy]

I am not a professional, but to me, for therapy to work, the person has to be willing to do it, and be honest with the therapist.

As far as my BPD mother sees any family issues, she isn't at fault- others have "issues" and she's fine, in fact she's not to blame for any of them. She has had some individual therapy but to her, it's to talk about the problems everyone else has.

I think some people with BPD have been helped with therapy but I think they have been at least willing to work with a therapist.

While family therapy might not be an option, I think individual therapy for you would be helpful. This may not make sense if you are wondering why you and not her, but the family patterns affect everyone in a family and you can work on this part of it, and how to manage them better- it can be of great help to you.