This is a first...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well...this is my first time posting in this thread and not the "bettering a relationship or reversing a breakup" one..I was with my now ex-partner with untreated BP2 and BPD for a year and a half. If you've seen my posts in the other thread, you know that he ends our relationship every few months and does God knows what during the time that we are split. I told my therapist I've had gut feelings in the past that he's cheated and she told me to always trust my gut. He becomes extremely cold, distant, and detached. In fact, I think he's has found a replacement for me already...again, my gut telling me that. I have loved him relentlessly, started therapy, read all the books you can think of, and adjusted my behavior as to not trigger him with ZERO effort on his part. Last night, I decided to finally let him go. I am emotionally exhausted and until he gets help, the cycle will continue so I have to be the one to end it. I'm sure he will be back when it doesn't work out with my replacement. He is moving across the country from me in a few weeks, and with the way his condition is now, our relationship will never survive and my anxiety will be in constant overdrive. I have to do what's best for me (and him, because at this point I have become his enabler). I am trauma bonded to him, so I know I have a long road of healing ahead. I love him and my heart aches, but if it's meant to be, we will find each other again. If not, the Universe has something greater in store. I just keep cycling through periods of feeling free and relief, and then really low periods of missing him and wanting to reach out and for things to go back to normal. This will be hard.

[marv1995]

Well...this is my first time posting in this thread and not the "bettering a relationship or reversing a breakup" one..I was with my now ex-partner with untreated BP2 and BPD for a year and a half. If you've seen my posts in the other thread, you know that he ends our relationship every few months and does God knows what during the time that we are split. I told my therapist I've had gut feelings in the past that he's cheated and she told me to always trust my gut. He becomes extremely cold, distant, and detached. In fact, I think he's has found a replacement for me already...again, my gut telling me that. I have loved him relentlessly, started therapy, read all the books you can think of, and adjusted my behavior as to not trigger him with ZERO effort on his part. Last night, I decided to finally let him go. I am emotionally exhausted and until he gets help, the cycle will continue so I have to be the one to end it. I'm sure he will be back when it doesn't work out with my replacement. He is moving across the country from me in a few weeks, and with the way his condition is now, our relationship will never survive and my anxiety will be in constant overdrive. I have to do what's best for me (and him, because at this point I have become his enabler). I am trauma bonded to him, so I know I have a long road of healing ahead. I love him and my heart aches, but if it's meant to be, we will find each other again. If not, the Universe has something greater in store. I just keep cycling through periods of feeling free and relief, and then really low periods of missing him and wanting to reach out and for things to go back to normal. This will be hard.

[Sappho11]

Hi there! Sorry you're here now but I'm glad you've reached out.

You write that you're already experiencing "periods of feeling free and relief". Good news, these periods will become longer and longer over time. The "low periods of missing him" will also get shorter and less frequent. Eventually, the former, better state will make up virtually all of your reality.

My ex and I split up for the final time three months ago. Like you, I was aching initially, even hoping we'd get back together. Now I wouldn't even want him back, even if he told me everything I've always wanted to hear. I've seen through him. This would have been impossible right after the breakup.

No matter how strong your feelings feel now, positive or negative, they will fade. You will begin to see your ex the way he truly was, without the sugar coating of oxytocin. It will likely not be a pretty picture. But this, too, will help you detach and help you start building your new, better life. Because trust me when I say this: Even if it doesn't feel that way right now, you can have a better life than you'd have had with him.

 

[Lucky Jim]

Last night, I decided to finally let him go. I am emotionally exhausted and until he gets help, the cycle will continue so I have to be the one to end it.

Hey marv1995, Welcome!  I admire your courage to make a change.  Leaving a BPD r/s is hard, no doubt, yet it leads to greater happiness, as Sappho suggests.  Now is a good time to consider why you got into a BPD r/s in the first place.  Hint: usually it has something to do with one's FOO or other childhood trauma.  Does this ring a bell?

Feel free to pose any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[marv1995]

Yes! We (me, mom, sister, other family) have always suspected that my father has either BPD or NPD, or both.

[marv1995]

Hi there! Sorry you're here now but I'm glad you've reached out.

You write that you're already experiencing "periods of feeling free and relief". Good news, these periods will become longer and longer over time. The "low periods of missing him" will also get shorter and less frequent. Eventually, the former, better state will make up virtually all of your reality.

My ex and I split up for the final time three months ago. Like you, I was aching initially, even hoping we'd get back together. Now I wouldn't even want him back, even if he told me everything I've always wanted to hear. I've seen through him. This would have been impossible right after the breakup.

No matter how strong your feelings feel now, positive or negative, they will fade. You will begin to see your ex the way he truly was, without the sugar coating of oxytocin. It will likely not be a pretty picture. But this, too, will help you detach and help you start building your new, better life. Because trust me when I say this: Even if it doesn't feel that way right now, you can have a better life than you'd have had with him.

 

Hi Sappho! I actually went through this thread and read some of your previous posts, so glad to see you're doing better! That gives me hope.

[Lucky Jim]

Yes! We (me, mom, sister, other family) have always suspected that my father has either BPD or NPD, or both.

Hey Marv,  You nailed it!  Now that you recognize the pattern, you are in a position to change it going forwards.  I think the process involves pausing before reacting in knee-jerk fashion to old triggers, and taking time to respond, if at all, in thoughtful fashion.

LJ