Divorcing, co-parenting, treatment, and continued relationship

[Q98]

I'm here because I suspect my spouse may have BPD.

My spouse and I have been having a pretty hard time for a while now. A lot has happened to both of us, both individually and together, but rather than get lost trying to describe all of it I'll skip the background for now and focus on recent developments.

I went in-patient for SUD treatment a few months back. While I was there my spouse informed me in a family therapy session that they could no longer continue our relationship and that we would start working on divorcing. When I returned from residential I got myself an apartment and moved out. I have outfitted my apartment so that our kids can stay with me and we have been splitting their time 50%.

I have continued treatment through an IOP, attending groups multiple times a week and meeting with an SUD counselor and therapist. Based on what I have told them about my relationship with my spouse, both the counselor and therapist suggested that my spouse may have BPD. I started reading about BPD more (previously, I was aware of it but had never learned much about it) and I agree that the theory that my spouse suffers from it is not unfounded. I can relate to many of the things I have read from partners of individuals suffering from BPD and learning about it has been very illuminating.

My spouse has known for years that they are neurodivergent in some way but they have never had a formal diagnosis of any sort. They have struggled their entire life and have been in therapy for many years but have not had any specific cause identified for their difficulties. Recently they have been suffering from stress and burnout to a debilitating degree so they decided to go in-patient themself for mental health treatment. The primary thing they have identified as the reason they need treatment is trauma. As I mentioned, we've both been through a lot so that's definitely not unfounded. My hope is that the cause of their difficulties, whether it be BPD or something else, is identified in treatment and they can get some help dealing with it.

Since we have young children together, I am going to be involved with my spouse in some fashion for many years. I am hoping that the treatment helps and that they can improve but I'm not sure what my desires are as far as the nature of our future relationship -- whether I'd prefer to just be co-parents, non-primary romantic partners, or even to return to primary partnership. So far our trajectory is toward the first two but I don't know what my spouse will want once they return from treatment.

I'm not sure if I have any specific questions I want to ask right now. There's a lot going on and it seems like there is so much I don't know or understand that it's hard to put any single question together.

[pursuingJoy]

I'm not sure if I have any specific questions I want to ask right now. There's a lot going on and it seems like there is so much I don't know or understand that it's hard to put any single question together.

It's perfectly fine not to have a question. Thanks for introducing yourself and giving us a little window into your life. How long will your spouse be in treatment?
Are the kids staying with you for now?