Mother with BPD

[PurlTopia]

Hi, I am posting because I am looking for support. I have always known that my mother is a very difficult woman and I have issues as a result but it is only in the last couple of years that my brother and I have taken the view that she may have a mental health issue. We have spoken to professionals and whilst she is not going to be diagnosed or seek support we believe that she has BPD. The list of her behaviours and symptoms is endless but the main issues I have are as follows:
I have been criticised throughout my childhood. If I do one thing wrong then I am bad throughout or at least that is the way she treats you. Same with other people. She talks ALOT and never asks about you. Everything is worse for her. When you try and make her see that it isn't that bad you can't win because she is on her own and I have a family. She acts as though being in a relationship is a solution to everything. I find her very difficult to approach about anything but particularly when I need to tell her that we are going away, even for a weekend. She is very jealous and acts out. I stress for weeks and months to tell her something and then leave it til the last minute because I can't face the fall out. I could go on and on but suffice to say I am drained.
I am 36 and have two children but I feel like a child still because of the way in which i have tried to cope with her over the years. It is now becoming a problem with my 4 year old because she is saying inappropriate things to him and i won't let her do to them what she has done to us. I appreciate that she may well have a mental health issue but she won't accept help. My brother and i have just tried to get her to see the dr because she has been very down and she became very aggressive with us. Overall, I am looking for help and support. I am at a point where I can't see how to cope with this for the next 20 years. I have a very stressful job and I am feeling pulled in so many directions. Any help or guidance on how to deal with a parent with BPD or with issues like the above please let me know. I am so tired of never doing enough and yet I have no more to give. More than anything, I am so scared that I will become like it too. I have had similar traits in the past but i am praying it is because of learned behaviours rather than anything more fundamental and thankfully my brother and I are very open about it and talk it through and will keep an eye on each other to make sure that we do not perpetuate the issue. My mother believes that her mother had issues as well. Sorry for the rant but any advice would be so welcome. Thanks in advance.

[beatricex]

Hi PurlTopia,
Glad you found this site.

I don't know that there are many of us with BPD Mom's who haven't wondered the same, do I have BPD?  Rest assured, if you did have it, you wouldn't be here and you wouldn't have the clarity of mind to ask that question.

I have a BPD mom and a suspected BPD step daughter.  Some of the ways I cope are 1) going no or low contact 2) finding a support system, people who get me and who get this situation.  It is pointless talking to anyone without mentall illness in their family, or in denial about mental illness in their family, they will just glom on. 3) focusing on myself and finding out who I am and letting myself be a mother to myself.  I have also sought various types of therapy, including cognative behavioral for childhood trauma, and I also tried hypnotherapy.  Both were very helpful to me.  In the past I have taken anti anxiety/anti depressants, but was able to ween myself off those many years ago (they stop working, did you know?)

Please post more, and know that we care here and we understand you.

 

b

[Methuen]

Hi Purltopia,

So glad you found us and this site.  You will find a non-judgemental, very supportive community here.

My brother and i have just tried to get her to see the dr because she has been very down and she became very aggressive with us.

Can you tell us a little more about what happened here?  What was the situation, and how did she respond aggressively?  Has she done this in the past?