Hard day - emotions are rearing their head

[ILMBPDC]

Its been 3 weeks and 4 days since I've heard from my BPD ex. I've been feeling really good over the last week and a half or so... yesterday I finally deleted the last text message I sent him (I had deleted the whole text thread the day he split me, but I had sent an apology text he never responded to that I was keeping for some reason and I finally decided it was one more thing I needed to let go of).

But today...I'm anxious, depressed, lonely. Back to feeling like I will never find someone who was as close to a soulmate as he was (rolling my eyes). My brain KNOWS that I'm good, that I'm better off, but my emotions (also in my brain, I guess) are struggling. It's so f'n hard to be at odds with myself.

OK, I just checked my calendar and (TMI, sorry) I'm pretty sure this is PMS. It's nice to know that in a few days I will likely be back on my healing journey without my hormones wreaking havoc.

In the meantime, any advice on keeping my brain straight?  (walking, yoga, journaling are all already on my agenda)

[Scarredheart]

Its been 3 weeks and 4 days since I've heard from my BPD ex. I've been feeling really good over the last week and a half or so... yesterday I finally deleted the last text message I sent him (I had deleted the whole text thread the day he split me, but I had sent an apology text he never responded to that I was keeping for some reason and I finally decided it was one more thing I needed to let go of).

I hear that. It's always hard letting go. So much more so with someone with BPD. It can be so intense with them.

But today...I'm anxious, depressed, lonely. Back to feeling like I will never find someone who was as close to a soulmate as he was (rolling my eyes). My brain KNOWS that I'm good, that I'm better off, but my emotions (also in my brain, I guess) are struggling. It's so f'n hard to be at odds with myself.

I've had a lot of days like the one you're describing. You mind tells you one thing, your heart tells you something different. You know your mind is telling you the facts, but you still miss the idealized version of the person that you know never existed in the first place. How messed up is that? You're basically going through withdrawl. It's normal. It'll get easier.

OK, I just checked my calendar and (TMI, sorry) I'm pretty sure this is PMS. It's nice to know that in a few days I will likely be back on my healing journey without my hormones wreaking havoc.

That probably doesn't help things.  At least you have a good outlook on the future.

In the meantime, any advice on keeping my brain straight?  (walking, yoga, journaling are all already on my agenda)

Those are good options. I've found talking with people about anything other than the BPD and your relationship is very helpful. Find things that engage your mind, either through conversation, or problem solving and do it. That's what's helped with me. Plenty of healthy distractions are good. When it gets too hard to be distracted (I've had days like that too.) make sure you have reliable, understanding people who understand the difference between a normal relationship and the trauma bonding that occurs with BPDs to be there to listen. This place is very good for that too.

[ILMBPDC]

I've had a lot of days like the one you're describing. You mind tells you one thing, your heart tells you something different. You know your mind is telling you the facts, but you still miss the idealized version of the person that you know never existed in the first place. How messed up is that? You're basically going through withdrawl. It's normal. It'll get easier.

I've heard it described as going through withdrawal before. The human body is so weird - like, listen to your darn brain! LOL

I've found talking with people about anything other than the BPD and your relationship is very helpful. Find things that engage your mind, either through conversation, or problem solving and do it. That's what's helped with me. Plenty of healthy distractions are good.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Luckily I have a zoom social hour this evening so that will use up some time.

When it gets too hard to be distracted (I've had days like that too.) make sure you have reliable, understanding people who understand the difference between a normal relationship and the trauma bonding that occurs with BPDs to be there to listen.

Yeah, this is one of my biggest issues -I don't have many people that I'm close enough to to share this stuff, and those few I'm close to don't really get it. One person I'm close to and who understands is my adult daughter who has BPD herself (very high functioning, been through DBT)- she's been helpful in helping me understand a lot but her BPD makes her relatively unempathetic which I really do need. Sigh.

This place is very good for that too.

Yes, it is

[Scarredheart]

Yeah, this is one of my biggest issues -I don't have many people that I'm close enough to to share this stuff, and those few I'm close to don't really get it. One person I'm close to and who understands is my adult daughter who has BPD herself (very high functioning, been through DBT)- she's been helpful in helping me understand a lot but her BPD makes her relatively unempathetic which I really do need. Sigh.

If you ever need an ear, I'd be happy to listen. Sometimes it's good to just get it off your chest.

This place is also good for that.

[Selfishsally]

I think if you are able to go out enjoy yourself with some friends that would be very helpful!

And maybe some chocolate or another sugary favorite for lonely pms symptoms. Nothing overboard but just treat yourself a bit. 

[Scarredheart]

I think if you are able to go out enjoy yourself with some friends that would be very helpful!

And maybe some chocolate or another sugary favorite for lonely pms symptoms. Nothing overboard but just treat yourself a bit. 

Ooo chocolate! Maybe dark chocolate? 

[Selfishsally]

Ooo chocolate! Maybe dark chocolate? 

Obviously

[Scarredheart]

 

Obviously

           

[marv1995]

It's been a week and 3 days for me. I also have good days and bad days. I miss him, and feel like the longer we go without talking, the higher the chance is that we will never talk again. Which is probably for the best, but the finality of it all is scary. It ended so abruptly.

[ILMBPDC]

It's been a week and 3 days for me. I also have good days and bad days. I miss him, and feel like the longer we go without talking, the higher the chance is that we will never talk again. Which is probably for the best, but the finality of it all is scary. It ended so abruptly.

I feel that. The abruptness of it all is a shock to the system and a week+ isn't very long at all.
I did a lot of reading about BPD afterward and came to accept that I will never understand his brain or how he could do something like that. I stopped questioning what *I* did to make him do that because it wasn't ever about me, its how he treats everyone in his life which is pretty messed up. And I came to realize that is not the type of energy I want in my life.
But of course my heart and emotions have their own agenda, usually brought on my hormone swings or a bad day. I figure if I can make it through the day or two I'm feeling lonely or sad about it then I know I'll be stronger on the other end.

[ILMBPDC]

Ooo chocolate! Maybe dark chocolate? 

Yes there was definitely some dark chocolate (with sea salt and almonds) eaten yesterday

[ILMBPDC]

If you ever need an ear, I'd be happy to listen. Sometimes it's good to just get it off your chest.

Thank you, that's so kind of you

[Scarredheart]

Thank you, that's so kind of you

My pleasure. Feel free to reach out should the need arise.

[Scarredheart]

Yes there was definitely some dark chocolate (with sea salt and almonds) eaten yesterday

That sounds really good! I'll take my dark chocolate any way I can get it! (Ice cream being my favorite.) 

[Cr500rider]

The key here is idealization!  When we first met, she sucked me in hard and I fell even harder.  She used the soul mate BS and even said that she was the one my deceased grandma had been telling me about all my life…!

[Cr500rider]

The part that hurts the most for me is the thought of what she should have been or what she led to believe she was…

[ILMBPDC]

The part that hurts the most for me is the thought of what she should have been or what she led to believe she was…

Absolutely!  I still think he had a bright future (career-wise) ...not so much relationship-wise though  .