How to handle religion as a path to social isolation

[anchor]

Dear all,
I have been away for a couple of years after having had lots of very useful advice - thank you! It has been instrumental for nurturing my relationship with BPDw.
Now I have a slowly developing worry over the last 18 months, as she is getting more and more isolated (yes, covid-19 has not helped).
 
First, a short background: She is from another European country than where we live, with parents from North Africa. I was the first of her (numerous) cousins to marry a non-Muslim without it leading to a break-up with parents. So basically very tolerant parents. My wife has of course a strong personality and a tendency to rebel against injustice. That included a very critical attitude to religions in general. I, on the other hand, have always thought of myself as a deist - i.e. respectful of religion, but have never identified with one.

We now have two kids, D8 and S5, and have for the last 9 years lived in my country of origin (we first met and lived very close to where she grew up). She wanted that move even more than me.

Over the years, I feel she has given up on learning the language here properly, and when she has worked, it has mainly been at her country's embassy. For a variety of reasons, she is disgusted by that, which I understand well. I work a lot/am a local politician, so it has been helpful that she does not pursue a career.

When kids are at school/kindergarden, she of course has some spare time which to some extent is spent on digging into strong ideas, where YouTube easily offers a road down any rabbit hole you choose. 4 years ago she became almost vegan, then after about 1,5 years she got sick of that and became extremely carnivorous, and then just before covid-19 hit, she "re-discovered" Islam. It was for her a way to retrieve meaning and seek refuge from post-modern norm relativity. I sympathise a lot with that need, but I don't manage to believe in a specific religion. So I have been supportive in the sense of trying to facilitate things for her, but I have kept my integrity and not tried to adapt anything in our family life. And she has not tried either.
 
Her beliefs are very strong, of course, yet she is very afraid of not letting anyone in our surroundings now about how strong and "conservative" ideas she has. So she would never put on the veil here, for instance. In other words she feels a strong dissonance between what she believes is right and how she lives. I have encouraged her to follow her faith, but she has strong fears about what that would entail in terms of social ostracism for our kids etc. (and me as a politician). And even seeking fellow Muslims to talk with, whether through internet or in real life, is something she doesn't want to (her experience of that has been bad - she feels others have a polluted interpretation of Islam).

She is convinced that the end of the world is near, and that the test that God gave her, and the punishment for being anti-Islam when young, is to live here in this country with me and having to stay alive for our kids' sake. (At least she says that regularly. I should stress that we also have very happy moments, and it is only a month ago she told me "our life is just ideal".)

To the extent that she follows news locally or nationally, she only sees what confirms "the end-is-nigh" beliefs. She participates in social activities only when pressed by friends (typically in connection with our kids, and us as a family), but I see her social life is getting poorer and poorer. She feels she has no real friend her (though many would consider her a friend - she has a lot of charisma and is very very warm).

My basic strategy is to spend a lot of time listening to her and showing empathy, and gently pointing to signs in our society that things are not that bad.

I have of course quietly hoped that all of this would fade over after a while, like the veganism. But religion is different, it offers meaning at a completely different level, and her interpretation of religion is quite totalitarian.

So now, finally, to my question: Does anyone have experience with BPD partner going down rabbit holes in similar ways, leading to social isolation? How far can it go? Right now the best remedy I can see, is 6 months in a very conservative Muslim country (I think it would change her mind about Islam, though there is a risk she would just go further down the "end-is-nigh" path), but that of course is difficult to plan.

Any other advice? I feel it is limited what I can do, except for the basic advice about listening, empathy etc., but it would be helpful to know what others' experience is.

And thank you anyway for reading!

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[Notwendy]

I don't have expertise in Islam, but I think this can happen with any religion. First- there's the religion, then, there's the person's relationship to religion and their interpretation of it. If someone is disordered, and has disordered relationships- this will then play out in their relationships in general. You saw this with her diet, and now with her religion.

I also don't think her ideas are specific to Islam. Due to the isolation of Covid- I know people who have spent more time in the extreme side of the web. One can go to extremes with any religion. I also have friends who have gone to extremes with the pandemic, and politics.

I think you are correct that religion is so personal, and so it's hard to intervene in any way. However, look at the pattern, if she went to extremes with other things, and then lost interest, it may be that in time she does this too. PwBPD tend to project- and create identities thinking this will be the source of happiness, but if the feelings are a part of them, the external ideas eventually don't work well.

I don't know of any major religion that advocates social isolation for long, maybe some time in contemplation but all have communal spaces- religious holidays, commands to do good things for others. Consider that her interest in religion is her way of justifying her own uncomfortable feelings. It's a hard one to argue with, as it's an ultimate authority and you really can't argue with that kind of authority. It's really her path to explore. I am not sure there's much you can do to change that. I'd watch her for signs of depression or serious emotional issues, that's not religion, but her emotional relationship to it. If this happened, she would need professional help.

[formflier]

I would be very careful "gently pointing out" things that run counter to her beliefs.  Most likely that will inflame her...invalidate her.

Most likely best course is validation of emotion (very different than agreeing with conclusions) and then ask validating questions that might...might lead her to examine her beliefs/conclusions.

Best,

FF

[anchor]

Thanks Notwendy and formflier, it is good to have shared these thoughts and to have them basically confirmed, it makes me feel more confident.