Diagnosis + Treatment
The Big Picture
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? [ Video ]
Five Dimensions of Human Personality
Think It's BPD but How Can I Know?
DSM Criteria for Personality Disorders
Treatment of BPD [ Video ]
Getting a Loved One Into Therapy
Top 50 Questions Members Ask
Home page
Forum
List of discussion groups
Making a first post
Find last post
Discussion group guidelines
Tips
Romantic relationship in or near breakup
Child (adult or adolescent) with BPD
Sibling or Parent with BPD
Boyfriend/Girlfriend with BPD
Partner or Spouse with BPD
Surviving a Failed Romantic Relationship
Tools
Wisemind
Ending conflict (3 minute lesson)
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Setting boundaries
On-line CBT
Book reviews
Member workshops
About
Mission and Purpose
Website Policies
Membership Eligibility
Please Donate
March 16, 2025, 12:36:29 PM
Welcome,
Guest
. Please
login
or
register
.
1 Hour
5 Hours
1 Day
1 Week
Forever
Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins:
Kells76
,
Once Removed
,
Turkish
Senior Ambassadors:
EyesUp
,
SinisterComplex
Help!
Boards
Please Donate
Login to Post
New?--Click here to register
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Really need some advice
Pages: [
1
]
Go Down
« previous
next »
Print
Author
Topic: Really need some advice (Read 748 times)
Dogslistentome
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dating
Posts: 9
Really need some advice
«
on:
August 24, 2021, 12:27:18 PM »
To keep a long story short, my ex has BPD and has done everything she can to make my life a living hell after breaking up with her last year. She has stalked my partner and I and I’m just not learning of my own codependent issues that help create and continue the abuse. I’ve done my best to go no-contact but have recently failed after she threatened me and my partner.
We share a dog and she has visitation rights. I know it’s silly and if I could I would give her the dog, but she chose to live in a place that doesnt allow dogs so he has to live with me. How do you deal with not getting sucked back into the crazy vortex that is BPD? I feel crazy so much of the time because I try to set boundaries and I’ve blocked her off everything but she’s emailed me and then found my Snapchat to message me. I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m trying my absolute best to not get trapped again.
How do you deal with the pain and not get sucked into the drama when she’s dead set on drawing me in? I should mention she has her own girlfriend but still cyber stalks and will drive by my home occasionally to see if my partner’s car is there. Thank you in advance for any responses
Logged
Notwendy
Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 11346
Re: Really need some advice
«
Reply #1 on:
August 25, 2021, 06:59:49 AM »
Even if the relationship is over, there's still some emotional "baggage"- resentment, hurts, on your part. ( that would be expected- it's normal) and her behavior somehow manages to elicit these feelings for you.
The good part about this is that - the feelings are yours- and we are responsible for our own feelings. I think it's important to not judge them, they are what they are, but we can choose how to react to them.
I think working through co-dependency issues helps with this. I did a lot of work on that. It was a huge step when I realized I was less bothered emotionally by people saying or doing upsetting things. This doesn't mean I don't feel upset, but that I can manage it better.
You can't really control your ex- unless this gets to the level of if you need a restraining order. She's going to stalk on social media, drive by your house, whatever. As long as you respond to it, I think she knows she can get a response, so not responding will help. The emotional drama can be a habit- you don't have to be part of it.
If she is seriously threatening you, then law enforcement comes to mind.
I think working on the co-dependency will help- it may take time but it does help,
Logged
pursuingJoy
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1389
Re: Really need some advice
«
Reply #2 on:
August 25, 2021, 10:06:30 AM »
Welcome
Not getting sucked it starts with identifying points of contact and establishing really clear boundaries. What does visitation look like? The dog lives with you but I'm assuming she sees the dog? Do you stick to a schedule? Do you hand off at a park or at the house?
My H's ex-wife uses their kids to keep the door cracked and pushes boundaries all the time. If she's had a rough day, she'll call about kids then launch into a tirade about how hard her life is, how horrible he is, how her sister's cancer came back, you name it. He's learned to hang up the phone if she's yelling, or ask a question that brings it back to the kids.
Like NW said you can only control your responses. Changing the pattern will initially trigger more anger, so just expect it. Staying calm and staying firm helps when it's repeated after time.
Logged
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
ForeverDad
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
Posts: 18620
You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...
Re: Really need some advice
«
Reply #3 on:
August 25, 2021, 11:20:51 AM »
Quote from: pursuingJoy on August 25, 2021, 10:06:30 AM
Like NW said
you can only control your responses
. Changing the pattern will initially trigger more anger, so just expect it. Staying calm and staying firm helps when it's repeated after time.
This is also how we build better
Boundaries
. Over on our
Tools and Skills Workshops
board (linked here)
we have a couple topics focused on boundaries. Obviously, people with acting-out behaviors resist boundaries. So our alternative is to establish boundaries for ourselves. The key is that
our response
to poor behaviors is our boundary.
A very simplistic framework example I use to describe it is this way... "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___." Of course in real life it's not quite that simple but this approach does help turn the narrative around. Review those threads and become familiar with those suggestions and strategies. Over time it does help.
Logged
ThanksForPlaying
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 254
Re: Really need some advice
«
Reply #4 on:
August 26, 2021, 01:06:58 PM »
With non-PD people, boundaries can be kind of fuzzy, and we can work them out with some give and take, discussion of how we feel, etc.
Even things like "being late to drop off the dog" isn't a big deal with non-PD people. Tell them it was annoying to have to wait, they will apologize for being late, and it won't happen the next time. For pwBPD, being late this week turns into being super late next week, and then if you say anything about the lateness, it turns into rage. There's no give and take - it's just constantly pushing boundaries and constant confrontation.
Because of this dynamic, our boundaries can seem odd or strict to non-PD people. "She was late to drop off the dog so I left and went home" can seem like an "extreme" reaction for non-PD people (you should have waited a few minutes), and then we start questioning ourselves... did I really need to do that? Maybe that was too extreme...
It's good to have a place to bounce ideas around (here) and friends who can give you an idea of where "normal" boundaries should be set. Don't try to do it all alone. It's hard. Keep posting.
Logged
formflier
Retired Staff
Offline
Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 19076
Re: Really need some advice
«
Reply #5 on:
August 26, 2021, 01:07:55 PM »
Would help me if you can share an example or two of how you got "sucked back in"...from there we can help you sort out boundaries.
Best,
FF
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?
Pages: [
1
]
Go Up
Print
BPDFamily.com
>
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
>
Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
> Topic:
Really need some advice
« previous
next »
Jump to:
Please select a destination:
-----------------------------
Help Desk
-----------------------------
===> Open board
-----------------------------
Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+)
-----------------------------
=> Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
=> Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting
=> Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship
-----------------------------
Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD
-----------------------------
=> Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD
=> Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD
-----------------------------
Community Built Knowledge Base
-----------------------------
=> Library: Psychology questions and answers
=> Library: Tools and skills workshops
=> Library: Book Club, previews and discussions
=> Library: Video, audio, and pdfs
=> Library: Content to critique for possible feature articles
=> Library: BPDFamily research surveys
Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife
Loading...