Really need some advice

[Dogslistentome]

To keep a long story short, my ex has BPD and has done everything she can to make my life a living hell after breaking up with her last year. She has stalked my partner and I and I’m just not learning of my own codependent issues that help create and continue the abuse. I’ve done my best to go no-contact but have recently failed after she threatened me and my partner.

We share a dog and she has visitation rights. I know it’s silly and if I could I would give her the dog, but she chose to live in a place that doesnt allow dogs so he has to live with me. How do you deal with not getting sucked back into the crazy vortex that is BPD? I feel crazy so much of the time because I try to set boundaries and I’ve blocked her off everything but she’s emailed me and then found my Snapchat to message me. I’m hurt and I’m angry and I’m trying my absolute best to not get trapped again.

How do you deal with the pain and not get sucked into the drama when she’s dead set on drawing me in? I should mention she has her own girlfriend but still cyber stalks and will drive by my home occasionally to see if my partner’s car is there. Thank you in advance for any responses

[Notwendy]

Even if the relationship is over, there's still some emotional "baggage"- resentment, hurts, on your part. ( that would be expected- it's normal) and her behavior somehow manages to elicit these feelings for you.

The good part about this is that - the feelings are yours- and we are responsible for our own feelings. I think it's important to not judge them, they are what they are, but we can choose how to react to them.

I think working through co-dependency issues helps with this. I did a lot of work on that. It was a huge step when I realized I was less bothered emotionally by people saying or doing upsetting things. This doesn't mean I don't feel upset, but that I can manage it better.

You can't really control your ex- unless this gets to the level of if you need a restraining order. She's going to stalk on social media, drive by your house, whatever. As long as you respond to it, I think she knows she can get a response, so not responding will help. The emotional drama can be a habit- you don't have to be part of it.

If she is seriously threatening you, then law enforcement comes to mind.

I think working on the co-dependency will help- it may take time but it does help,

[pursuingJoy]

Welcome 

Not getting sucked it starts with identifying points of contact and establishing really clear boundaries. What does visitation look like? The dog lives with you but I'm assuming she sees the dog? Do you stick to a schedule? Do you hand off at a park or at the house?

My H's ex-wife uses their kids to keep the door cracked and pushes boundaries all the time. If she's had a rough day, she'll call about kids then launch into a tirade about how hard her life is, how horrible he is, how her sister's cancer came back, you name it. He's learned to hang up the phone if she's yelling, or ask a question that brings it back to the kids.

Like NW said you can only control your responses. Changing the pattern will initially trigger more anger, so just expect it. Staying calm and staying firm helps when it's repeated after time.

[ForeverDad]

Like NW said you can only control your responses. Changing the pattern will initially trigger more anger, so just expect it. Staying calm and staying firm helps when it's repeated after time.

This is also how we build better Boundaries.  Over on our Tools and Skills Workshops board (linked here) we have a couple topics focused on boundaries.  Obviously, people with acting-out behaviors resist boundaries.  So our alternative is to establish boundaries for ourselves.  The key is that our response to poor behaviors is our boundary.

A very simplistic framework example I use to describe it is this way... "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Of course in real life it's not quite that simple but this approach does help turn the narrative around.  Review those threads and become familiar with those suggestions and strategies.  Over time it does help.

[ThanksForPlaying]

With non-PD people, boundaries can be kind of fuzzy, and we can work them out with some give and take, discussion of how we feel, etc.

Even things like "being late to drop off the dog" isn't a big deal with non-PD people.  Tell them it was annoying to have to wait, they will apologize for being late, and it won't happen the next time.  For pwBPD, being late this week turns into being super late next week, and then if you say anything about the lateness, it turns into rage.  There's no give and take - it's just constantly pushing boundaries and constant confrontation.

Because of this dynamic, our boundaries can seem odd or strict to non-PD people.  "She was late to drop off the dog so I left and went home" can seem like an "extreme" reaction for non-PD people (you should have waited a few minutes), and then we start questioning ourselves... did I really need to do that?  Maybe that was too extreme...

It's good to have a place to bounce ideas around (here) and friends who can give you an idea of where "normal" boundaries should be set.  Don't try to do it all alone.  It's hard.  Keep posting.

[formflier]

Would help me if you can share an example or two of how you got "sucked back in"...from there we can help you sort out boundaries.

Best,

FF