Need for help

[Janie Starks]

Hi everyone, I'm writing here cause I really need some   and I don't know who I can talk to.
I recently broke up with my BPDboyfriend after almost 2 years. It was a really abusive relationship, I wrote another post about it, and I decided to go full no contact and blocked him everywhere.

Lost story short he kept finding ways to send me messages, though I never responded, and it was making me feel really miserable.
Tonight though I decided to reply to tell him really explicitely to stop trying to contact me, and that nothing is going to change my mind about the breakup.

He replied saying that he will respect my decision, he just wants to hear my voice one last time on the phone because this relationship meant so much to him and don't want to end it by text like it was nothing.

Should I give him this chance to get closure? Will it make it feel more at peace? Or is he just trying to manipulate and drag me back?
I really don't know what I'm supposed to do, he hurt me so many times, and yet I love him so much I cannot bear to hear he's suffering.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

That's really a tough one.

I think it depends how strong you feel.

I don't think I would do it without an agreement that talking about feelings and the relationship had to be off the table and the call should be a few minutes.

[Janie Starks]

I think it depends how strong you feel.

Honestly I don't feel strong at all, being with him is so painful, but not being with him feels like my soul is getting pulled out of my body.

[B53]

JS,

I understand how you feel. I have gone no contact for six months now. I blocked him from text or calling, I’m not on social media, but even if his emails go to junk, I still have to see them when I filter through my junk mail, to make sure I don’t delete something important. I haven’t read any of them(at least 10).

These are my thoughts and in no way am I telling you what you should do, that is a decision you need to make.

BPD emotions are the same as that of a young child. I taught preschool for almost thirty years and raised three children. When dealing with young children, you need to say what you mean and mean what you say. If you tell a young child no and they cry, throw a fit and then you give in, then the next time they want something they will continue to do it longer because they have just been rewarded for that behavior.  So if your relationship has been recycled enough, then any sort of communication tells them, that you still care and there is a chance. Also if you told him that it was over and you want to be left alone, you are setting a boundary. If he continues to try to reach out, he is not respecting that boundaries, which means he is not respecting you. Finally, if you notice, isn’t what he is saying all about him. They are not concerned that when we interact with them, it causes us pain. I don’t know about your situation, but sorries didn’t last very long with mine. Just long enough to suck me back in, just be abused all over again.

I no longer feel that guilt. Even  though someone has BPD, it doesn’t give them the right to abuse others.

Once your head clears out, you start to see things a lot differently. I am feeling pretty good these days and if I hadn’t gone NC, I don’t think I would be where I am.

I wish you the best.

B53

[NonnyMouse]

Perhaps you could schedule a call in, say, a week's time. Specify the exact time, and make it before something important that means you can hang up easily. Make it appear almost like it's going to be a business call.

[Duped_312]

People with BPD rely on face to face or whatever they can get that’s similar, in order to manipulate and convince. They are PLEASE READ over text but once they’ve got you with their voices or are face to face they’ve got you. I would not get on that call. My ex tried to do that over and over and over again. I stood my ground. It would never have ever resulted in anything healthy for me so I am glad I held strong.

[once removed]

Should I give him this chance to get closure?

its not always easy to give that to someone in a way that will ultimately satisfy them. you can be endlessly patient, say all the right things, answer inquiries to the best of your ability. that wont necessarily fill in the blanks that their psyche is trying to fill.

and thats far from a bpd thing. ive been in a position plenty of times where i thought that if i obtained something like that from someone, id be satisfied. ive also been on the other side of it and gotten fed up quickly.

its tricky. full no contact and blocking can cause an anxious attachment prone person to escalate. on the other hand, once you go that route, so can responding.

if you decide to have that conversation, and if your goal is to shut it down, get him to leave you alone afterward, your best bet might be to act in a way that totally turns him off, kills his interest. that can mean anything from being really boring, to acting in a way that is just unappealing in general or to him personally. you know him best, and you are in the best position to know what that might look like, but sometimes the best way to kill the flames of a scorned lover is to behave in a way they arent expecting.