I’m Free but I don’t feel that way…

[Home3]

My story starts almost 11yrs ago. I was coming out of a verbally abusive marriage and met this(I thought) great guy who said all the right things. After a year & 4 months we bought a house & moved in together and shortly after, although lots of red flags before locking back in hindsight, his true self came about…which never officially diagnosed to me but I’d guess has BPD.  After 4yrs of living together I got the strength and moved out figuring the relationship would end…nope!  He roped me back in, granted he did make many changes, but many BPD traits still would appear, but it was the “devil I knew”.  So this went on for 5yrs. and recently I’ve just been getting tired of it all. This past weekend he took me out and broke up with me in public while eating lunch, it seemed very thought out and planned and I would bet he had someone waiting in the wings to date.  I was upset and caught off guard.  I know this is a good thing and he’s not a healthy relationship, however I was still hurting and 2 days later I was doing a bit better and he’s texting me that evening telling/complaining at me about things I didn’t do in the relationship and then calls.  I called back and it turned into a 2hr conversation of “he made a mistake, he’s sorry” so then I just say okay we’re back together.  Well I didn’t do that. I held my ground and said we need space and time apart.  
I know this is a good, healthy thing for me. However, I don’t feel healthy.  I feel sad, unwanted, that I’ve wasted 11yrs.  Yes, we had some good times, BUT and there’s a lot of buts…

[khibomsis]

Hi Home3, and welcome to the family! I'm glad you found us, though sorry for the reasons that bring you here.  How are you doing now?
It wasnt clear if you've moved out ? You mentioned having bought a house together,  so who lives there now?
Tell us about the buts. That's what helped me through the first few months.
You are going to be ok. We got you.

[Home3]

Yes, I moved out 5yrs ago into my own home. But then he came around wanting to “date” and I gave in and exclusively dated him from then until now for those 5yrs.  He claimed he was going to counseling, which I tend to believe, However there were many lies so I never know the full actual truth unless I experience it for myself.  There were improvements, although he believed he was 90-95% fixed, that estimate was a bit over exaggerated.
The buts…continuous complaining that I didn’t do enough of……(whatever his need was) usually time.  I work full time and have a teenager that plays 3 sports and when I moved out I continually made the choice I wasn’t gonna compromise my parent time to fulfill his needs anymore and I did pretty much stick to that. For the 1st two years after moving out and dating him that was a battle of him understanding my child was gonna come 1st. Eventually he seemed to get that but still complained I didn’t have a lot of time.
Another but is the never knowing the true truth. There may be some truth in what he was saying but many times it was exaggerated.  The day after he “broke up” with me this week I drove by his house early and there was a car in his driveway I didn’t recognize. When he was apologizing and wanting me back, I questioned it saying you already have someone new and they were there. He said no there’s no one and I got some story how it’s the neighbors car. There’s been car break ins and they didn’t want to leave it in the street. Again I’ve been going there for 5yrs and not once did I see that car in his neighbors driveways, so again most likely a lie, but I don’t have the proof.
His claim I don’t appreciate him or what he would do for me or my daughter.  Anything he did like taking us to dinner or events or sometimes gifts, we always said thank you, we had fun or a good time. That was great, etc.  But to him that wasn’t enough or the right appreciation, I’m honestly not sure what the right is then, maybe fireworks?
His health is another but.  He claims he has these health problems, which again I haven’t met with doctors so don’t fully know. But he doesn’t make the effort to see the doctors and solve the problem.  Recently he claims he’s had burning in his stomach, it’s been happening for over a month, but his appointment for the doctor was a month away and I was like call them and complain you can’t take it, nope.  I asked if he was taking over the counter things like Tums or Omeprozole, etc. No he won’t take those things. Well my thought is suffer then.  He even made the comment about how I haven’t been there for some of his dr. appointments. Honestly, unless the doctor is gonna drug you & you can’t drive why do I need to go.  He doesn’t go to my dr. appointments. I’m an adult and can do it all on my own.
Another but is, if I was to ask for anything help in driving my daughter somewhere, mowing my lawn, cash for anything, I would “OWE” him. This has burned me a couple times with him so in the past 3-4yrs I never asked him for any help.