Need advice

[nervous mom]

Have no idea what I'm doing, but I need to know I'm not alone.  I love my daughter,   but I've been having conversations with a psychologist with my Kaiser health plan and she thinks my daughter may have BPD.  I'm 87 and live in a senior assisted living apartment with my sister, for the past 4 months.  My wonderful husband passed last June and all I have in this world is my daughter and my sister, who is also a widow.  My daughter and I just moved back to CA from NV.  She has had mental problems (of course she says I'm the one with mental problems).  We adopted her when she was 5 weeks old and always told her she was adopted...selected, not expected.  She didn't like hearing this and always wanted to find her birth parents.  I know she loved her adoptive father and believe that she does love me; however, she is very jealous of my 88 year old sister and just as she has always done, tries to pick fights on the phone with me. 
She is single and has a hard time keeping friends.  She has always been able to get jobs and is very intelligent and is a valued employee until something sets her off and she either quits or gets laid off.  She finally has a job here in CA and an apartment.  She is very unhappy and sad.  She not only lost her dad, her best friend (male) died of a heart attack 3 days after her dad died.  She had to re-home her 2 beloved dogs before the move.  She absolutely wanted to move so she could live near me, since I was moving in with my sister.   She is now located 30 miles from me and we have visited about once a month since the move.  I would like to know if anyone else has similar problems and if so, what their advice would be.  Last night I had to hang up the phone on her because she was again trying to get me to give advice that she could later blame me for.  Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[dredgie]

I feel for you - it's so impossible to reason with someone with borderline. The description of your daughter and her issues sounds very familiar to me as the mom of  a 30 year old  borderline daughter.

Can you suggest to her that she get a pet?  Taking care of her 2 cats is sometimes the only consistent thing that keeps my daughter alive. She doesn't keep friends, ever, and cannot hold down any job so she has stopped trying. She, too, is very lonely and sad.

I'm glad you were able to hang up on her  - it has taken me a long time to be able to do that. I'm so glad you have your sister living with you and can find some comfort in that relationship.

[Sancho]

I feel for you and the ongoing difficulties that you have lived with for so many years.

Has your daughter's blaming etc increased recently or the same as always. If so, I would not be surprised with all the things that have happened recently. She probably has little empathy with you for your loss, but putting that aside, she has lost important figures in her life as well as her beloved pets'

Feelings of abandonment and loss would be pretty strong at the moment and BPD folk always look to the one they can most rely on to BLAME. It seems to me to be part of the condition: when anything - even small things- they lash out at the one person who has always been there for them.

Not sure if a cat would be allowed in your daughter's new place, but that might be helpful to her - or she might not be ready to replace her dogs yet.

It is good to set boundaries such as hanging up at this stage. With this new beginning, it is the time to look at the boundaries that you need.

One thing I read here has helped me a great deal - to see a boundary in terms of what is needed for yourself to be able to cope and respect your needs.

I hope things get better over time. In the meantime, keep in touch and best wishes

[DEELO]

dredgie - agree with you about the pet. I'm absolutely convinced at times that the only reason my 27-year-old BPD son is still alive is because of his wonderful husky. That said, as I just said in my first post, we end up taking this sweet dog a lot - and we (me and his siblings - much guilt there) had to literally scrape the poop off of his apartment deck because he wouldn't/didn't clean it up. And my $$ was tied up with the apartment complex.

[nervous mom]

Dear Deelo, Sancho & Dredge,

Just read your kind & helpful words and want to say that I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner.  Things have been going well for me, my daughter & my sister. 

I think a pet would be very helpful, however, she is allergic to cats and it really is too soon for her to get another dog.  Also, since she works it wouldn't be fair to leave a pet alone all day in her small apartment. 

I think she realizes that she can't treat me the way she has in the past, because I'm now in control and don't depend on her like I did in our situation before our move 5 months ago. 

Don't think I mentioned that she had TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) under the care of a psychiatrist for 36 days in a row and he took her off all of her anti-depressants.  She thinks it worked magic for her but I had my doubts, because she seemed to pick more arguments with me after her treatment.

I'm happy to share that she has always worked, since she left home right after graduating from high school.  Like I said, she goes from job to job because there is always something or someone she can't accept.  She starts her 2nd job since the move next week!  However,  since she tells me everything that happens on the job, this time I kind of agree with her...the boss was impossible, even though it was a government job, which she has wanted for a long time. 

I feel much better when I hear agreement that hanging up when she picks fights with me is a good thing.  I always feel so guilty when I do this...so thank you for that support.

She visited me yesterday and all went very well, I do love her so and we have some really good times when she is in a good mood. 

I wish you all good times with your BPD sons and daughters.  It is not an easy life, but I know it is true that when she attacks me it is because I am the one who has always been there for her.