Another explosion after attempt to reach out

[Frankee]

I am not sure if the subject line accurately describes my topic.  As of the end of September, I will no longer being receiving housing assistance.  My plan on how to survive without it will be for another post.  I also still haven't been able to get assistance with legal aid due to resource people keep losing lawyers, which is another post as well.  Between these two large things, I lost hope.  I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I reached out to my ex husband.  I honestly thought that we could make an addendum to the current PO where it removed the boys (but kept everything else in place) and put a different visitation schedule in place.  Basically outlining to where he can see the without supervised visits and have them under certain rules (yes, not the brightest idea, but I had become desperate).  I became desperate because I wanted more flexibility to work weekends and evenings to make enough money so I don't lose my apartment.  Needless to say, it did not go well at all.

It became clear that when he saw I was putting it out there, the conversation started becoming overly emotional and out of control.  I suggested coming to an agreement where as I mentioned above about the boys, but I put restrictions on it.  I said communication would be limited to that (strictly about the kids and nothing else), our lives would be completely separate, the court monitored app would still be in place, and phone calls are limited.  He wanted to get rid of the court monitored app, he wanted to be able to call the boys whenever he wanted, and he refused to agree to the limited communication.  He said it is a free country and he can say what he wants, which I pointed out a section of the PO where he can't annoy, harass, embarrass, threaten, etc. me.  That made him angry.

What is all boiled down to at the end was him attacking me for breaking my vows to him, leaving and taking the boys, filing the PO, wanted to go to counseling (for the kids, not us as he said), told me that his hands were clean, this was my problem, if the boys grow up to be on drugs, he's holding me responsible, just everything.  His side of the story is that I manipulated, lied about loving him, knew he had issues and abandoned him, he's unloved.  We all know the old song and dance.

I did crack and list all of the physical violence he did and then I asked.. should a woman stay with a man after he has done all of that to her?  As he stated, it's too late.  He is planning to move out of state in 90 days.  He tells me I should of done this sooner and thinks I am playing a game.

What it came down to is that I put it out there that I was willing to revise the PO, so he could see the boys with more visits, but it didn't work out at all.  I don't know what else to say to him.  I was going to give him what he has been saying he wanted for months, but it was either "too late" in his eyes or because I would be his "friend" or "work it out with him", he just pooped all over it.

[formflier]

I'm sorry this happened and at the same time I hope that it clearly shows you the status of his change and informs you about his potential to change in the future.


Switching gears.

Has he been providing any financial assistance? 

Hang in there.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I'm sorry this happened and at the same time I hope that it clearly shows you the status of his change and informs you about his potential to change in the future.

Switching gears.

Has he been providing any financial assistance? 

He won't ever change.  He is so angry that I left the way I did, that I took the kids, that I broke my "vows", that I filed the PO, that I did everything the way I did.  In his mind, I did everything wrong and I let my ego and pride decide everything.

He once was, but he stopped leaving money for the kids.  I haven't received any money from him in months.  I talked to the legal aid people and they said there in an order regarding the child support already filed and I need to see about reversing it.  I filed child support a couple years ago and ended up going back to him and at that time in 2019 I agreed to drop the child support order.  It's a sticky situation and been causing problems trying to file again.  The legal aid people tell me they can help me, then they lose a lawyer, then they tell me that they can't help me.  I can't afford any lawyer, especially now.  My ex-husband told me that a friend has said he can stay in AZ and I also found sept 15th, I think the assault charge will be finalized.

In our state, they have been giving monthly child credits and unfortunately since he was able to file S5 on 2020 tax return before me, he is now getting the monthly child credit for S5 which is $300 a month.  I get the one for S10 which is $250.  I mentioned to him that since I am taking care of both boys 100% of the time, that both child credit should be for the boys.  He wont give me the $300, he is keeping it.

I have taken up with doing couponing and cash back apps to try to save money and earn side money.  It's not much, but I am getting better at couponing and saving money.

I have less than a month before I am completely on my own and the only resources I will be getting is food stamp assistance and that is my saving grace. 

[I Am Redeemed]

Have you already applied for food stamps?

In a lot of states, particularly the conservative ones, cooperation with the state in pursuing child support is a requirement for applying for benefits. The human services caseworker who handles your application for EBT may be able to help with this. I would consider filing for TANF benefits as well. In my state, they will file for child support for you when you apply for benefits.

Is your divorce final? When I went to legal services to file for my divorce, the legal aid lawyer included child support in the divorce papers.

[ForeverDad]

Have you investigated the IRS option to file for injured spouse relief?  Form 8379.  I believe that's if your spouse did something wrong with the tax filing such as forging your name, etc.

Is there a reason you didn't file for S5?  Did you agree to let him file?  If not, even if he had filed first, you could still file for S5, then it would be kicked out and you could contest his filing.  I am not a tax consultant but I believe whoever had the most overnights with the kids in 2020 would be the one to file, as long as there wasn't an order in place otherwise.

[formflier]

Hey Frankee

Given the severity of your situation, I would recommend checking all your assumptions...ALL to see if there is a quick path forward.

Such as what FD is suggesting.

1.  Can you contest the filing.
2.  Can you get a pro bono attorney through legal aid (maybe they can send you out in town)
3.  Are there parents/family that can help with attorney costs or paperwork or ?
4.  Did the prior support order really get cancelled..really?  Or is it an open question?  Might be easier to push for enforcement of old one..rather than get a new one.
5.  Is there an appeal for losing housing benefits?
6.  Food stamps?
7.  Local churches?  Might be source for pro bono work as well.
8.  Current employers?  Is it time for a sit down with bosses?  Hard working employees are hard to find these days...I bet they want to hang on to you.

Here is the challenge...take my 8 assumptions and find 8 more.  Someone else can come along and find 8 more.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I currently have foodstamps which has been a saving grace.  It has been one less stress item I have.  I tried applying for TANF, but it's so stupid.  They said since the value of my car puts me over the limit for qualification for assets or something.  I tried twice and have been denied both times.

I haven't even filed.  I am trying to get legal assistance through a DV crisis center program.  They said they could help me twice and both times called back and said they lost attorneys and have to wait.  I've pretty much given up.  I can't afford a lawyer and I can't get legal help.  Maybe soon they will be able to help.

I need to look into that spousal relief program.  He filed on S5 first, I didn't agree.  I thought about filing on S5 as well, but I was struggling hard at the time and I couldn't wait for the process of kicking it back and contesting it.  And it would be a fight because technically S5 did live with him 6 months in 2020, because I didn't leave until middle of June.  I fully intend to filing on both for 2021.

I have called around for pro bono help, other legal resources for divorce, but it's been all dead ends.  The housing program wasn't a regular state program.  It was a rapid rehousing and they only get allotted certain funds every year and this next year, they lost their funding.  I had filed for child support before, but agreed to do drop it because I ended up going back to him.  My parents already helped me through one divorce.  They can't help with a second one.  The only thing keeping him contained is the PO.

On top of all of that, he messaged me yesterday saying he "guess" he tried to kill himself because they had to pump his stomach.  I think he's lying.  I logged into his medical chart and there was no hospital visits or record of him having medical services.  And when I asked him how did they find him, he refused to answer. Then yesterday he tells me that he knows what I want him to do and he will try it again.  Then left a voicemail saying goodbye to the boys and text messages saying the pills are kicking in.  If this wasn't the millionth time he's done this, then I would be concerned.  I lost count of how many times over the years he has threatened to end it and it was always a manipulation attempt.

[formflier]

Have you applied for Section 8 assistance with housing or even a public housing option?

I've been on the landlord side of section 8 and notice they vary the amount (the split of rent...how much govt pays and person pays) based on income and other factors.

Best,

FF

[Frankee]

I have applied for rental relief that they offer through the state.  Hopefully something will come of it.

I am also filing for violation of the protective order due to his recent activity.  In the past week, he has tried to kill himself, which I think was an attempt at sympathy with his track record, ended up in the mental hospital, proceeded to make indirect threats, cuss me out, say F to everything and numerous other things.  I am talking with the police and other legal entities that are going to push for charges and get him arrested.