We dated for eight months, which I realise isn't long but I felt it to be a very intense connection. We said we loved each other within a month or so, spoke and messaged constantly and spent most of our time together.
Yes, that in tense connection seems to be a very common theme with BPD relationships. I felt like I met my soulmate - and I didn't even believe in soulmates but I felt that he was literally my other half.
Having read up on BPD fairly extensively during and following the end of the relationship, I now recognise the unconscious 'love bombing' that occurred at the start of the relationship from him towards me. Nobody had ever been so forthcoming about their feelings for me, spoke about a future with a home and children and seemed to see the good in me, calling me smart, kind and self-sacrificing.
Same - I never had anyone tell me how awesome I was, how he wanted to be part of my life, talk about children and the future.
For all the above, he was very loving and I thought a good person. We had a strong connection, made each other cry with laughter, sat on a similar plane with regard to politics and what we wanted in life and I had many happy times with him.
Again, that strong feeling of connection is common. In my case, though, a lot of the connection was him mirroring me. Projecting my own thoughts, feelings, desires back toward me. I realized this after he first split me and dated another woman then after they broke up we started talking more often again (we had never fully stopped speaking at that time) and I notices how his wants and desires had changed, and it had only been 4 months. After learning about mirroring I realized he was mirroring her at that point. It shook me a bit, he was so sincere with me and within a few months it had all changed.
He said he understood why I was pushing him away and I felt very seen for the first time and very loved, despite my insecurities. I felt that, finally, the right person had come along for me after so many years of waiting.
I had been single for nearly 10 years after a relationship with a con man psychopath who bankrupted me. He was the first person I had allowed myself to open up to and I felt exactly the same, that this was real, that he was my destiny. Ha.
As his episodes were fairly frequent and my behaviour was erratic, we would regularly be at the point of breaking up but I was convinced he was a victim of abuse and once he could the support he needed, he would be the loving, generous, kind, funny, intelligent and brilliant person I saw him to be over 50% of the time.
Yeah, I excused the red flags in the hopes that with my help I could help heal him as he was healing me. Ha, again.
As I still loved him and hadn’t wanted it to end, I spent the next few months grieving the loss of our close connection and future together.
I feel like this is one of my biggest pains- we were so close, had such deep, intimate conversations and somehow he was able to just throw it away.
I also know that he’s in a functioning relationship so it feels like the problem was with me and I missed out on what could have been a great love.
Is he though? They may still be in the idealization phase but it is unlikely it is a truly functioning relationship, even if it seems that way form the outside (and no one ever puts the bad parts on social media).
Sadly, if he is BPD and is not being treated it is pretty much inevitable that this relationship will implode eventually as well. Then again, she may have her own issues - I read that people with BPD and people with NPD often have long relationships because they feed off each other. Or She could be extremely codependent, trying to cater to his every need. I am completely speculating here. Obviously I don't know the woman but my point is that it may be "working" for them because they both have issues that feed the other.
I understand the desire to try and make sense of it, but the thing is it doesn't make sense. The BPD brain is wired differently. One of the first things I came to terms with was accepting that I will never understand it, which is not my personality at all
![Smiling (click to insert in post)](https://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/Smileys/default/smiley-01.gif)
. For me that was the first step in the process of letting go.
Also, stop checking his social media, you're just beating yourself up with it. I wonder about him, but I refuse to allow myself to "check in" and see how he is doing because I know it pulls at my heartstrings and throws me into a spiral. Ideally, unfriend him and block him and work to move on. Its so much easier when you aren't seeing his smiling face pop up on social media.
I wish you luck and healing.